jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #1  January 2,2010, 7:41am
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In thinking about why---and at what point---I reach the conclusion during a first date that I am not interested in seeing the person again, I believe it has a lot to do with how I perceive their EQ, emotional intelligence.

Most recent example: met a man (from eH) for a first date yesterday. He is a smart, articulate, well-groomed, educated, successful professional and appeared confident and relaxed. When I saw him I knew I could be physically attracted to him, but the more he talked, the less attractive he became.

I asked him questions (nothing too personal), showed interest and asked follow up questions; he did none of those things. He dominated the conversation and when I said something about myself or responded to one of his statements he rarely commented on what I said.

Example: I am a high school counselor and have two teenage sons---and he knew this---but he expounded at length in a know-it-all manner about the proper way to deal with teenagers, without ever once asking about my opinion or experience with it, or even acknowledging I might know something about the topic, personally or professionally.

As this continued I could see my interest meter falling, falling, falling....until: clunk. I was done. I continued being polite and courteous, but it should have been obvious I was no longer enjoying myself.

At the end of the evening he enthusiastically said he was glad we had had such a wonderful evening and wanted to know where I would like to have dinner tomorrow night. It wasn't even a question if I would like to have dinner---we hadn't even discussed the possibility of another date yet. He was shocked and slightly offended when I politely declined a second date. To me, the indication of his low EQ was that he was clueless that I had not had a great evening.

I know some will say that we had just met, that he can't read my mind and if I was responsive and pleasant, how could he possibly know I wasn't enjoying myself. But in my opinion he wasn't even trying to get a read on me, in any way.

I'm curious what the rest of you think and what other examples you might have (or different interpretations of EQ)?
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #2  January 2,2010, 8:16am
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jayhawkgirl wrote :
He was shocked and slightly offended when I politely declined a second date. To me, the indication of his low EQ was that he was clueless that I had not had a great evening.

I know some will say that we had just met, that he can't read my mind and if I was responsive and pleasant, how could he possibly know I wasn't enjoying myself. But in my opinion he wasn't even trying to get a read on me, in any way.

I'm curious what the rest of you think and what other examples you might have (or different interpretations of EQ)?
Agreed he probably wasn't trying to get a read on you. So many people are all about themselves they don't even consider the other person in the situation. Which is a really bizarre way to approach a relationship if you think about it. It makes more sense that people like this guy just don't think at all.

I've gotten pretty good at reading people's reactions on first eH dates. Probably about 90% I know by the end if they are interested in going out again. If we both are interested in going out again I'll tell them I enjoyed myself and would hope to see them again at some undetermined future point. Otherwise I'll wish them luck in their search.
 
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CJF is offline CJF Post #3  January 2,2010, 8:28am
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I had a first date like this. We were only supposed to meet for coffee by my community pool, but he dragged the meeting out to 4 straight hours, almost all of which he totally dominated the conversation. He had no idea that after 2 hours I was trying to think of an excuse to get him to walk around the pool so I could shove him in it.

I understand nervousness but your date needs to show that they are interested in you, that they care about what you think, feel and how you perceive life.

He even stated that he knew he talked too much and I could tell he didn't expect a second date. Some people just kill their dating opportunities with bad behavior.

If your date is glancing at their watch, looking over your shoulder or nodding politely at everything you say, chances are they are looking for a chance to bolt.
Last edited by CJF; January 2,2010 at 8:33am.
 
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atrueromantic is offline atrueromantic Post #4  January 2,2010, 8:35am
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Your insight to EQ, as you call it, is refreshing. Intelligence has to include emotional intelligence and not just being typically smart. I have gone on several dates through EH and found that all the women I have gone out with to be polite and curtious. I spend the first date talking about general things while paying attention in great detail to the clues as to interest. And as shoopthedoop says I can tell whether or not I want to go out again by the end of the first date and will ask my date if they would like to as well. Leaving the decision up to them.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  January 2,2010, 8:58am
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Your personalities didn't mesh. Or you didn't hit it off. That's fine. Happens all the time.

But putting all the blame on him - dragging the "emotional intelligence" blather out of Cosmo or wherever it comes from, to tar and feather him with it? No, no. That won't fly.

You got all the way through GC and OC and whatever else, and you wanted to meet him. But it wasn't a Love Connection, and eH won't pay for a second date. Or whatever. Be mature and move on. Don't come here and give us the sermon you really wanted to give him.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  January 2,2010, 9:20am
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Controlling a conversation and displaying his own knowledge is part of why he is successful in the first place. Appreciating his success and then knocking the skills isn't great.

He also may be accumstomed to success with women, and / or and long time out of experience.

For a mismatch of conversational tone on a first meeting, where good objective characteristics are present, I would definitely go forward and continue with the person.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  January 2,2010, 9:30am
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D_Lion wrote :
Controlling a conversation and displaying his own knowledge is part of why he is successful in the first place.
The same skills needed to be successful at business are not necessarily the same skills needed to be successful in a personal relationship.

Just sayin'.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  January 2,2010, 9:38am
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So he has a controlling personality. May even have an ego and be a bit self centered. I don't see this as any indication of a low Emotional Quotient. Simply that you don't like his personality and that your personality and his did not mesh.

And, well, what melman said!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  January 2,2010, 9:52am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
The same skills needed to be successful at business are not necessarily the same skills needed to be successful in a personal relationship.

I don't contest this claim.

I point out the OP lauded her date for a number of attributes, including his professional standing. I can easily see myself speaking that way, many times, at work and in interviews.

Now, I think (hope?) I would have done a better job on a date, but I'm sure I've done the same as this fellow a number of times. For me, it depends a lot on how intelligent (the old-fashioned kind) she is, and the topics which come up.

Still, I like to give more time than one meeting when the issue is subjective like this.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #10  January 2,2010, 9:57am
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"But putting all the blame on him - dragging the "emotional intelligence" blather out of Cosmo or wherever it comes from, to tar and feather him with it? No, no. That won't fly."

Wow, Melman. For your information, I haven't read Cosmo in 30 years and the EQ theory that you call "blather" is a recognized psychological theory that's been around for a long time.

I wasn't complaining that eH failed me or that this man wasted my time or that he was a loser just because our personalities didn't match. I'm sure there's a woman or women out there who will find his expertise on everything in the world to be wonderful.

My point was that I was wondering how he had reached such a completely different perception of how our meeting had gone. That's all. Not feeling sorry for myself and have already moved on. Thanks!
 
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