atrueromantic is offline atrueromantic Post #1  January 2,2010, 6:19am
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I recently started dating an EH match who is about my age (mid 40s) yet has only recently had a child (2 years old) and her parents live with her to assist her in raising her child. I have been on three dates including a visit to her home last night. She is some what attractive, financially independent, intellectual and vulnerable all at the same time. I enjoy her company and can have very in depth conversations with her which I enjoy. There is not an instant connection on my part and I have mixed emotions about dating someone who has a 2 year old. (My kids are teenagers) and lives with the parents. Now, the reason my emotions are mixed is because I am wondering how long it takes for the "chemistry" to kick in and I am a believer that chemistry goes far beyond physical attraction. So, should I continue the dating relationship in hopes that the chemistry kicks in and will help me look past the young son and parents or should I continue my search for the perfect EH match?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 2,2010, 6:38am
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I was fine with women living with parents (about half my partners did.)

If by "chemistry," you mean attraction, I have not found that it works to wait and hope - but a bunch of people have written "at first I was not attracted, but I became so once I got to know them." Since you anyway said you find her attractive, this seems a stronger case to wait.

In terms of the age of her child, should you find that something does work out, are you inclined to spend another 20 years dealing with it, keeping in mind that that would mean an alteration in your projected lifestyle (i.e., as your own children would be gone)?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  January 2,2010, 10:00am
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I wish I knew what "chemistry" is

You have indicated that you are attracted to the woman but not some of the stuff that surrounds her. Her child is going to be a part of her for the rest of her life. A two year old is going to be the center point in her life for another 18 years.

Her parents are going to be part of her life for years to come. If she was living WITH her parents for convenience or to help with the child then there could be the assumption that in the future she would move out of their house. It could be much different since they live with her. It may be that they are living with her because she is helping them out. This would make it more unlikely that she is going to be telling her parents to leave.

Seems to me that you really are not doing her or yourself any favors by continuing this relationship.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #4  January 2,2010, 10:13am
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If she didn't have a kid, would your feelings be different? I can't tell if the problem is the kid, the parents, her, or you.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #5  January 2,2010, 10:22am
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I agree with what the other two people have said. If you're having doubts now about the chemistry, what will you do two or three years from now when you're more involved in the relationship (possibly even married)? It's not fair to her or to the child if you continue with the relationship and are having doubts about it at the same time.

You say you're in your mid forties - that means that retirement is close at hand (20 years away or less depending on your financial situation). This child has to make it to school and possibly to university or college. How much of the education will you be expected to pay for if you decide to stay? There are going to be all kinds of other expenses before that - involvement in sports, piano lessons, new cloths, etc.

She's still living with her parents. How easy is it going to be for her to separate herself from them, especially if she has a two year old child to look after? Do you know the circumstances around this situation? Who's the father and why isn't he helping with child care? Does she have other children or is this her only one?

Chemistry is hard to define - it takes longer for some people than for others to develop. If you're having doubts about it now, it's not going to get easier in the future.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  January 2,2010, 10:24am
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atrueromantic wrote :
...So, should I continue the dating relationship in hopes that the chemistry kicks in and will help me look past the young son and parents or should I continue my search for the perfect EH match?
Chemistry usually starts to kick in by the 3rd date, but only you can know what that means to you.

You should not "look past" the young son! She is a package deal. If you should hit it off and you and she (down the road, of course) get married, her son would surely live with you and you would (by definition) become a step dad.

The fact that you are even asking if you should 'look past' the son makes me think you find that aspect of her to be 'baggage' and undesirable. I would never want to be with someone who thought he had to 'look past' the fact that I have two teenagers in order to decide if he wanted to be with me!

I'm going to presume that her parents would not be part of the deal if you two married and would not be moving in with you also, but you should make sure of that before you progress too far if that would be a deal breaker.

As far as "the perfect eH match," there is no such thing.
Last edited by Wonderwoman402; January 2,2010 at 8:33pm. Reason: typo
 
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