sissa is offline sissa Post #1  January 1,2010, 4:13pm
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My current beau revealed to me recently that his doctor has diagnosed him with clinical depression. We have a past together and are just starting to discuss being together again...but he has changed. He does not say sweet things anymore, and avoids almost all serious conversation because he says its "emotionally stressful". I understand that, but I don't like the feeling of tip-toeing around certain issues just because its overwhelming for him. Especially with so much history together, everything is at a very..."fragile" state, you might say. I need to talk things out, is it too much to ask to have some reassurance once in a while?
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #2  January 1,2010, 4:40pm

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It must might be too much for him right now.

Clinical depression is not something that a person can just 'snap out of' or 'pull yourself up out of it'. It's a serious and deeply upsetting physical condition that might require you to take care of your own needs for a while, Including the need for hearing 'sweet things'. It sounds like he has been up front with you and told you what he is able to give you right now.

Consider accepting that he's giving you all he has at this time.

Additionally, if your friend and you have arguments about his inability to express himself or give you the kind of emotional support you need, his depression might deepen.

If you are seriously interested in helping your friend through this period, I suggest you research Clinical Depression. I just did a quick Google and Amazon check for depression and relationships and there are articles and books on the subject.

If you want to be a supportive partner, pick one of the books up, read the articles and see if there is a support group for partners of people with depression.

Good luck.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  January 1,2010, 5:42pm
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If he used this as a rationalization for problematic behavior, I would be inclined to leave (especially at a "talking about getting back together" stage.)

No matter what, I think you can expect honesty and fidelity to promises. There's no acceptable alternative to that.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  January 1,2010, 6:47pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
It must might be too much for him right now.

Clinical depression is not something that a person can just 'snap out of' or 'pull yourself up out of it'. It's a serious and deeply upsetting physical condition that might require you to take care of your own needs for a while, Including the need for hearing 'sweet things'. It sounds like he has been up front with you and told you what he is able to give you right now.

Consider accepting that he's giving you all he has at this time.

Additionally, if your friend and you have arguments about his inability to express himself or give you the kind of emotional support you need, his depression might deepen.

If you are seriously interested in helping your friend through this period, I suggest you research Clinical Depression. I just did a quick Google and Amazon check for depression and relationships and there are articles and books on the subject.

If you want to be a supportive partner, pick one of the books up, read the articles and see if there is a support group for partners of people with depression.

Good luck.
I would agree with you if the OP and the guy had a solid ongoing LTR. In this case they split at some point in the past and are just starting to talk about getting back together.

Clinical depression may not be something that you "just snap out of" but it is also not something that you just catch like a cold. See D_Lion's post as I suspect that he has the best suggestion.
 
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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #5  January 1,2010, 10:05pm
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Is he a "BTN", a "Better Than Nothing", or do you love, like, and care about this man?
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #6  January 1,2010, 11:59pm
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i have to second roxyredhead.

also, considering y'all have past history, i'd be inclined to examine "talking things out" and "reassurance." these were things your relationship had before and it didn't work out? one of the things i've found with depressed people - unless you're their therapist - talks often resolve nothing and can feed into the depressive cycle. there's a neurological rat hole people can get trapped in, one tied up with the neurology of talking.
 
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wowapsalon is offline wowapsalon Post #7  January 2,2010, 12:54am
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As a person who suffers from depression, I can tell you that it helps to have a good support system, especially when adjusting to new medicine.

I also agree with roxyredhead, to try and learn about depression. Not everyone can deal with someone who is depressed, this was one of the reasons my marriage fell apart. My husband didn't know who to help me and was too afraid to ask for or find it.

Everyone's experience with depressed people is different. Despite suffering from depression I can still resolve issues because I personally choose to. I know that there are several people in the world who will use an illness as a crutch. I know I did until I got a handle on things and now I'm paying for it because I'm really behind at work.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for reassurances. Also he needs to realize, like I did--he needs to take one day at a time and yes some things maybe more difficult to deal with at this time; however it isn't an excuse.
Last edited by wowapsalon; January 2,2010 at 12:57am. Reason: I didn't want to make it seem like I was attacking anyone personally for their comments.
 
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relationshipqs is offline relationshipqs Post #8  January 2,2010, 7:53am
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This is a really tough spot to be in because you have feelings for him.

I have history with a lot of mental health issues in my immediate and extended families, as well as a past friendship, and I suggest the following from experience.

Do not get involved romantically at the point.
He is need of significant and long-term psychological or psychiatric therapy along with medication. Clinical depression is extremely deep, severe and encompassing and it is not possible for him to engage in anything outside himself and what he's going through.

It's not a question of love, priorities, or wanting you - it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and an emotional/psychological condition whereby he is simply unable.

There can be no mutuality - if you choose to get involved, you must accept that you will receive very little if anything from him for a very long time, possibly years. You run the risk of becoming his therapist and caretaker, roles that will, in the end, drain you. If you were already in a relationship, that'd be different; this is no time to start something.

Do be his friend and provide detached support.
This means you can listen and be there for him as you can, which does not mean whenever he needs. Create healthy boundaries and stick to them. Your interaction with him for the next months/years will be all about him, which it needs to be for his healing. It is important you remain detached so that you aren't hurt or surprised by his inability to be concerned for or about you and your life.

Don't take anything personally.
During this time and during his therapy/healing process, like most depressed people, he may say things he doesn't mean to get a reaction or to seek attention. They often threaten suicide, attempt guilt trips, and give the cold shoulder/silent treatment. If he chooses to battle his depression with therapy and medication, he can find his way out with your detached support.

Do let him know that you care about him
Let him know that you will support him as a good friend with your shared history, but at this time you simply are unable to be with him in a relationship. Don't explain why, because he will only try to engage and change your mind. There is nothing healthy about him or his approach to relationships at this time, but he may not understand or agree. It's not never; just not right now.

Don't take him on as a project.
Don't fall into the trap of becoming his caretaker, or as his therapist. There is no possible way for your relationship to grow positively and become mutual starting this way. There is no way for either of you to become healthy, and you cannot save or cure him. He needs professional help.

Get your own therapist.
Whether you do get involved romantically or are involved significantly as his friend, having your own therapist who can help you along the way will help you to stay clear, focused and detached, to get objective support without losing yourself.

Remember that whatever he's going through is his stuff, not your stuff.
Love him and support him, but remember that you cannot heal him, and you cannot do his healing for him. No one can walk his path but him, and if the best thing for you emotionally and mentally is to say goodbye, as hard as it will be, you have to take care of you.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #9  January 2,2010, 11:44am
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Depression is a serious thing. I have been around people who suffered deep depression and it is very difficult at times to communicate with them as they tend to shut down about things that they see as too much for them. I was in a nearly year long relationship with a woman who suffered from bi-polar disorder and I cared deeply about her and stuck it out until many other circumstances changed and we broke up.

My point, it is tough dealing with but can be done. The reason that the girl I was with and I broke up had little to do with her being bi-polar and more to do with me than her and I was the one responsible for that relationship ending. I would have been willing to stick out her problems because I cared deeply for her.

Take a step back, tell this guy that you are there for him and let him decide if he also cares about you.
 
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