Being shallow vs. desiring physical attraction


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
stevex is offline stevex Post #1  December 31,2009, 11:42am
stevex's Avatar

Life is a blessing, it's a delicatessen.

Veteran

Joined: May 2009

Austin, TX

Posts: 1,297

See profile

There is a thread posing the question that if a woman isn't pretty can she find love or not. The simple answer to that question as discussed in the thread is that pretty is such a subjective term. Everyone has different tastes though I imagine there are a lot of guys and women out there who are rather shallow. This brings up the interesting question of the differences between between shallow and understanding the importance of dating someone who you are physically attracted to.

I have gone back and forth on this in the past. The first girl I ever dated I don't remember being attracted to her. Mind you this was high school and I was silly and immature. After her I dated a girl that I thought was very attractive but after her I dated a girl whom I wasn't attracted to again. After that I swore I would not engage in a relationship with a woman that I wasn't attracted to, that physical attractiveness is a very important thing to have. Sure enough I met a lovely girl and we dated for nearly a year and I was very attracted to her physically but in reality we weren't a good match.

After her I met my most recent ex-girlfriend. Before we started talking I had not seen any photos of her and I became really attracted to her personality and her humor and she seemed to really get me. I then saw some photos but not full body shots and I wasn't initially attracted. We went out and in person I wasn't all that attracted to her. I kept telling myself that if I stopped seeing her it was because I was being too shallow and we dated for two months and had a good time despite the fact that in reality I wasn't attracted to her. At that point I realized that physical attractiveness is a rather important thing and that it doesn't make me shallow to decline dating a woman because she doesn't match what I find attractive.

I am lucky that I have met a woman who I am very attracted to and she is to me. She also happens to have the other qualities that I desire. All around I am very happy.

But this thread isn't about me. Do you think that there is a difference in between shallow and simply desiring physical attractiveness? Have you turned down dates because you were not physically attracted to someone before you got to know them? Have you turned people down after you knew them and thought they were great but they didn't tickle your fancy on a physical level?

Discuss.
 
  Reply With Quote
Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #2  December 31,2009, 11:52am
Mokkesofie's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 8,463

See profile

Do you think that there is a difference in between shallow and simply desiring physical attractiveness?

Yes


Have you turned down dates because you were not physically attracted to someone before you got to know them?

Yes, and I've been turned down as well due to that.


Have you turned people down after you knew them and thought they were great but they didn't tickle your fancy on a physical level?

Yes, it was mutual and we are now friends instead.
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #3  December 31,2009, 11:54am

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

I have a preference as much as others do. Truthfully speaking I'd rather stay single rather than to marry somebody who I am not physically attracted to..how's that for having a preference?

I don't buy that BS when people say looks (or other things) don't matter, etc and cheat 1-2-3+ years into their marriage.

Now....the difference between shallow and having a preference is how specific you are with your preference, how trivial and how rigid you are with your standard....anywhere from 1-2 inch difference in height...to 10-25 lbs overweight, etc.

and no...not all men are looking for the most petite or the tallest-super model height women out there. Trust me...there are plenty of those in the middle that look absolutely fine...
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  December 31,2009, 12:00pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,660

See profile

Do you think that there is a difference in between shallow and simply desiring physical attractiveness?

I don't find it "shallow" at all to want to desire your romantic partner - otherwise I think you are likely to just end up friends, until someone leaves.


Have you turned down dates because you were not physically attracted to someone before you got to know them?

Yes. This was one of the most common reasons to close a match. The few times I tried to approach a woman in real life, it was always based on attraction.


Have you turned people down after you knew them and thought they were great but they didn't tickle your fancy on a physical level?

Yes. Just being friends is insufficient to warrant a committed romantic relationship status; too unfulfilling, in my view.

It is also important to share values around such issues as the effort expended in appearance-care, comfort level with being looked at or desired generally by strangers, etc.
 
  Reply With Quote
suzyque is offline suzyque Post #5  December 31,2009, 12:03pm
suzyque's Avatar

.

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Minnesota

Posts: 1,145

See profile

I think you have to have some spark, even if it's just a small one. If there's a small one than it can grow with the right circumstances. My current boyfriend, bless his heart, looks like a skinny Bill Gates, but balder. But even though he isn't much of a looker, there was a spark right away. I've dated better looking men than him with no spark. I don't think it is always based on attractiveness. Chemistry is pretty elusive.
 
  Reply With Quote
jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  December 31,2009, 12:39pm
jussmile's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

Seattle

Posts: 3,837

See profile

I don't buy into the whole "shallow" thing myself... Totally over-rated. People have preferences, they have priorities in what they are looking for in a date. I think the term shallow comes from people who do not necessarily agree with your priorities or preferences. If they as well have preferences, and not "open" to meeting anyone that comes along, does that make them shallow too?

I'm also a female who does not mind the term "Arm Candy." It doesn't bother me at all. Some guys really like to be with women whom they think are very attractive. That makes them feel happy. What's wrong with that? In my opinion, happiness comes first. Whatever makes you happy, as long as it is not encroaching on someone else's happy space, so be it. A guy once told me he feels like he "looks" better and more attractive when he takes me out... I thought that was a huge compliment. But, then again, I believe I have a lot more to offer as well, and when I actual settle down with someone, my priority will be to settle with someone who enjoys my keen intellect as well :-)! But, until he gets to know me better, what the hay!
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  December 31,2009, 1:27pm
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

Lets look at it from a different angle here. Attraction as we all know, is something we can't quite define, but know it when we see it. Physical attraction, is just one aspect of the entire attractiveness spectrum, in my opinion.

I think you are being shallow if you are attracted to someone in every other way, but you find yourself not wanting to be with someone, because you think you'll look bad for being with this person. That is shallow.

But, if someone really doesn't do it for you, then no, its not shallow. However, i think it takes more than just a quick look to decide.

I also think that physical attractiveness, is solely up to you and what you think is attractive. What is hard, is keeping an open mind about what YOU find attractive, as oppose to what society finds attractive. It can be confusing.

I've said many times, that if i had gone with my gut reaction, I would not be engaged. My fiancee when i first met her, was not my ideal person. Physically, she was heavier than anyone i've ever dated before. In my head, i wanted to just finish the date, and be done with it. This was before we sat down and talked face to face. This is in the first moment that i laid eyes on her. Conversationally, we were compatible, and we had talked for several hours before meeting for the first time, but she did not have a picture posted.

Afterward, i went home. I really thought about my reaction. Then, I thought about the time I spent with her. My main thought here was "Am I telling myself not to be attracted to her, because she's not what is conventionally attractive?" This really irked me, because I really was torn. So i decided, if she would want to meet up again, I would give her a true shot. I focused more on her and me, instead of what I imagined, I should be attracted to. It turns out that once i overcame some stereotypes in my head, I realized that I DID find her attractive. From there, it just snowballed into a relationship. Not what I would call a whirlwind intense relationship. It was more of a slow boil.

Personally, I like to think of it this way. Give both, you and the other person a chance. If you label someone in your head "attractive" or "not attractive", then you will not change easily. Therefore, I will usually give myself a chance to feel things out mentally and physically before making the decision that someone is or isn't attractive to me.

Sometimes, the hot one, turns out to be the unattractive one, and the homey looking one, becomes the raging inferno. I had that happen to me too.
 
  Reply With Quote
mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  December 31,2009, 2:12pm
mrflyer's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

my computer

Posts: 2,948

See profile

stevex wrote :
Do you think that there is a difference in between shallow and simply desiring physical attractiveness?
Of course there is. How could you have a romantic relationship with someone if you didn't find each other attractive?
 
  Reply With Quote
rswgoforit is offline rswgoforit Post #9  December 31,2009, 2:17pm
rswgoforit's Avatar

is at home.

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2008

San Francisco

Posts: 20

See profile

I definitely believe that beauty and attractiveness on the physical level is in the eye of the beholder. Anyone who says that physical attraction or physical chemistry is not a factor, or shouldn't be a factor is lying or bitter. There's nothing wrong with desiring physical attraction whether it was Abraham & Sarah, Isaac & Rebekah, Boaz & Ruth, or David & Bathsheba.

To some women, I'm physically attractive and to others, I'm far from being their type. I'm hard to label in one group of guys like a "pretty boy," metrosexual, sensitive, urbane, sporty rugged, or macho.

The bottom line for me is that I'm more likely going to be drawn toward a woman that I'm physically attracted to, but I WOULD BE SHALLOW if that's the only quality I'm drawn to. I can meet a physically attractive woman and she's wonderful. Or she can be the most insecure human being dealing with issues ranging from her looks and body to emotional, psychological, and spiritual matters. Or she has that Hollywood "all that" attitude that can quickly go from turning me on to turning me off. (And I'm sure women have found attractive men in the same vein.)

If it's all about ego fulfillment by having sex with the most attractive women I can find or experiencing a sexual whirlwind, I would say that such sex gets old REAL FAST. King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines and he became miserable real fast. That's shallow.

Physical attraction draws us together. It motivates us to go forward. But it doesn't guarantee me a long-lasting enduring relationship that leads to a happy marriage. I believe physical attraction is not something that takes place only in our 20's and 30's, but also can be seen in older couples. But older wiser folks know it's not the only thing that matters.
 
  Reply With Quote
yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #10  December 31,2009, 2:25pm
yoga_gal's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 4,782

See profile

PY_2 wrote :
Now....the difference between shallow and having a preference is how specific you are with your preference, how trivial and how rigid you are with your standard....anywhere from 1-2 inch difference in height...to 10-25 lbs overweight, etc.
I agree with this. I also think Dafearon had a point that it is shallow to allow what you think others will think of who you date and their attractiveness to decide who you go out with.

For instance if you asked me if I preferred a guy with a beard versus clean shaven I would say clean shaven. Yet I have gone out with two guys with beards. Yes I was attracted to them but didn't allow my preference to over rule how I felt.

And yes I do think physical attraction has to play a part. It may happen up front or as you get to know someone but at some point there has to be that desire.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Go grease lightning? Getting inside his head... | Dating | New Rule of Dating #3: Assumptions »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How Eharmony matches and physical attraction? OrBarbie Using eHarmony 26 January 19,2011 1:45pm
Will the physical attraction come? b_sunshyne Relationships 30 November 4,2010 7:05pm
Would you date someone if there was absolutely no physical attraction whatsoever? GEF2 Dating 68 July 4,2010 10:47pm
Dating people that you have no emotional or physical attraction to questioning Dating 41 November 10,2009 11:29am
Folly of minimizing attraction and chemistry waltercl Dating 224 September 23,2009 4:21pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“but isnt' "comedy" subjective?” –  richey

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion

“"So, at what point did you decide I was only going to be a one-date kind of guy?" Hi Carole, I am late to this thread. Thanks for such an interesting topic! My initial reaction was to think ... ” –  SearchingHoping

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“A little tough love... The lesson here: date married men at your own peril. The man was married when YOU began a relationship with him! You keep calling him divorced. Not when you were with him. Once ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“Thanks, DancingFool!!!!! I deleted all but 2 pics. I kept the 2 most recent pics. I will work on updating pics soon, hopefully this weekend. Thanks! Suzanne” –  SuzanneScorpio

Join the “Photo Review” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:45pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0