AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  December 31,2009, 12:50am
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Not long after I broke it off with my most recent boyfriend, I had an urge to find some lost ones. Not to rekindle old flames, just to see how they were doing. These were men I could have dated 20 years ago, 10 years ago, even just a couple of years ago. Point being that any attempt for me to reach them wasn't to do anything but find out if the years had been good to them. I tend to be sentimental at times and like to hear the good things someone has done, even when our breakups were bad.

I made contact with a couple. One is actually quite famous in the extreme fighting world and I now exchange e-mails with his wife. One wouldn't respond, just like his snub at McDonald's a couple of years ago.

But a third man I thought was blowing off my e-mail suddenly replies. It was a very nice, short e-mail about how he thought about us, the good and bad times, the awesome sex (his words). This is a guy I hadn't given much thought in almost 16 years. He was a good boyfriend (now that I can look back on it clearly) and if we (I) were more grown up about it, the relationship wouldn't have ended with so much heartbreak.

I hurt him first by ending our relationship because I was stupid. I think I wanted to see another guy and didn't want to cheat on him. I don't think I told him this directly, but I'm sure one of my "good" friends said something. At any rate, the reason made sense at the time. Then, when we had a very short back together time. He broke it off that time. I'm not sure if he did it to get back at me or if he thought I would do the same thing twice. I very well may have, I was 20 and needed to grow up.

So, this e-mail comes across my desktop and I was in shock! I sent my original months ago! I really was surprised at how sweet the e-mail was and that he was happy to hear from me. This was pretty early yesterday morning, he lives in Georgia and I'm in California. I replied immediately with an equally short e-mail and just went on with my day. All day today this e-mail didn't cross my mind except when I mentioned it to my mom (she didn't remember him). But now I'm all in tears about this and I'm not quite sure why.

These can't be real feelings, can they? I never considered him a "great love", just a great ex boyfriend.

I'm not sure what to think about how I'm reacting to this. I would have thought 16 years would have put this in a different spot in my mind and heart.

I wonder if this is just silly hormones.
 
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voteoften is offline voteoften Post #2  December 31,2009, 3:04am
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I urge caution in this. Could be hormones. Could be time of year coupled with your breakup. Give yourself a month to think on it before any action. He waited a long time, so can you.
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #3  December 31,2009, 4:12am
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I agree with 'voteoften' this is a tough time if your heart is aching... try to find some distractions.
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richey is online now richey Post #4  January 6,2010, 10:55pm
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Agreed. You shoudln't take anything too literally or seriously during the REBOUND period. And you are definitely in REBOUND.

I agree with the other two that the time of year should also be seen as a factor in this.

You JUST broke up with somebody ~ it is far too early to be thinking of another one right now. Let the mourning period happen and make sure you are out of the REBOUND stage before oyu even start thinking of being with another man or go looking for one.

Good luck. Sorry to hear about your break up.

Richey
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  January 7,2010, 6:42am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Not long after I broke it off with my most recent boyfriend, I had an urge to find some lost ones. Not to rekindle old flames, just to see how they were doing. These were men I could have dated 20 years ago, 10 years ago, even just a couple of years ago. Point being that any attempt for me to reach them wasn't to do anything but find out if the years had been good to them. I tend to be sentimental at times and like to hear the good things someone has done, even when our breakups were bad.

I made contact with a couple. One is actually quite famous in the extreme fighting world and I now exchange e-mails with his wife. One wouldn't respond, just like his snub at McDonald's a couple of years ago.

But a third man I thought was blowing off my e-mail suddenly replies. It was a very nice, short e-mail about how he thought about us, the good and bad times, the awesome sex (his words). This is a guy I hadn't given much thought in almost 16 years. He was a good boyfriend (now that I can look back on it clearly) and if we (I) were more grown up about it, the relationship wouldn't have ended with so much heartbreak.

I hurt him first by ending our relationship because I was stupid. I think I wanted to see another guy and didn't want to cheat on him. I don't think I told him this directly, but I'm sure one of my "good" friends said something. At any rate, the reason made sense at the time. Then, when we had a very short back together time. He broke it off that time. I'm not sure if he did it to get back at me or if he thought I would do the same thing twice. I very well may have, I was 20 and needed to grow up.

So, this e-mail comes across my desktop and I was in shock! I sent my original months ago! I really was surprised at how sweet the e-mail was and that he was happy to hear from me. This was pretty early yesterday morning, he lives in Georgia and I'm in California. I replied immediately with an equally short e-mail and just went on with my day. All day today this e-mail didn't cross my mind except when I mentioned it to my mom (she didn't remember him). But now I'm all in tears about this and I'm not quite sure why.

These can't be real feelings, can they? I never considered him a "great love", just a great ex boyfriend.

I'm not sure what to think about how I'm reacting to this. I would have thought 16 years would have put this in a different spot in my mind and heart.

I wonder if this is just silly hormones.
Maybe 16 years has put this into a different spot in your heart and mind. Maybe he was (is) "the one" and 16 years ago you just were to blind to see it.

However on something that you did not ask about. If I had strong feelings for you and YOU broke up with me I don't want you contacting me a month, year or 16 years later. When YOU broke it off you tore a hole in my heart and because I don't view relationships casually (even though maybe you do) it took a long time to mend but probably has never fully healed.

To contact an ex after a year or two or more in quite inappropriate IMO. I would expect that there is a new significant other in their life. I would consider it to be a close cousin to an invitation to cheat.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #6  January 7,2010, 8:11am
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I think you are mending a broken heart and this guy writes you this sweet email and you are remembering how great he was 16 years ago and wishing that you felt the same today as you did when you first dated the guy. It is a confusing and upsetting time as you question why things didn't work out in the first place and wether or not it would be possible to start all over again.

I suggest taking a step back, reflecting on things and thinking about reality. Maybe you should continue talking to the guy, maybe you two can become good friends, maybe more again. But I think you should be careful not to let emotions cloud your judgement.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #7  January 7,2010, 9:05am
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When lonely or feeling reflective, often we turn to old memories.

I don't think it's a good idea to act on them by needlessly stirring up old ashes or felationships long gone.

My best sexual relationship was long long ago, and simply mindblowing, endless, at the time... back in 1979-80, I think, as a hard charging Title Insurance Div Manager, and I met her at work, she was older than me. I lived in SF back then, and still had that Blue Buick Skylark back then.

She told me that "My dog is first in my life, guys that can't accept that, have to go."

So of course, I left. I guess she must be about 70 if she is still around..

I am sure the smelly, mangy cocker spainiel died years ago, maybe she has another one now.

I think old memories are best remembered quietly, and not acted upon....
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  January 7,2010, 9:55am
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I reread his e-mail a couple of times. And listening to his voice say those words (yes, i can still remember the sound of his voice) and knowing "how" he would say it, I know where he was coming from. And being several thousand mile away he is "safe" in saying things like this to me. No, he does not have a SO.

I think my emotions really got to me after two fairly bad dates and then not getting a call back from the one I really did like. Time of year, maybe, he and I did exchange gifts one time.

Richey - I truly thought I was over my last bf. I guess the rebound thing may be lingering a bit.

6dle899 - I told a good friend of mine that I wanted him to stay a memory. A good one. I can push the other stuff aside and see him for the great person he was/is.

Work as a distraction from my love life is great!
 
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richey is online now richey Post #9  January 7,2010, 2:10pm
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Andiels,

I believe so too. Rebound is a sneaky thing. I especially think rebound is lingering because you started dating right away after the break up. (Or at the very least, starting dating again before you ever got out of rebound in the first place).

We've all read it over and over ~ after a break up we need to lose our baggage and deal with it, take some time away from dating before we can successfully date again. yet it's so hard because we have this void we need to fill and thus often fill it with the quickest, most convenient option accessible (why many ex's keep getting back together again and breaking up again), or why you always hear somebody ask, "why is it that my ex- can SO EASILY start dating again so soon after our break up?"

It's all the same thing.... REBOUND tugging at our heart strings. It's not such a huge mystery when you sit back and remember everything we always tell others, but forget to tell ourselves.

Best thing right now is to kick back, relax, and take time off from men (atleast in a romantic way) and let that heart mend. it isn't the easiest thing to do, but it is the right thing to do. A little pain and perserverence now means far fewer compliations down the road (like the one you just experienced).

Good luck....

Richey
 
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