Does it Hurt to be Friends with an Ex?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  December 30,2009, 3:43pm
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I'm curious, do men see it as a turn off or a turn on when a woman is still "friendly" with her ex?

For most of my girlfriends, they say they would definitely not want a man still friendly with their ex. I'm just curious if guys feel the same way.

Now, if you're wondering how friendly... I'm not talking about people with ex's that still have some benefits... know what I mean ! I'm really talking about on good terms, may have the occassional phone conversation or go out for coffee. Especially in the case where kids are involved, does that make a difference?

Also, should you be willing to give up that friendship if it makes a new partner uncomfortable?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  December 30,2009, 3:50pm
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I had one, early on, dating partner still friends with a prior boyfriend.

I thought nothing of it, at the time.

I am focused enough on measuring how I am treated, that I do not think I would worry about this.

Though, I do think people - men or women - need to treat the partner as clearly above any friends.
 
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gcoleman99 is offline gcoleman99 Post #3  December 30,2009, 4:04pm
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jussmile wrote :
I'm curious, do men see it as a turn off or a turn on when a woman is still "friendly" with her ex?

For most of my girlfriends, they say they would definitely not want a man still friendly with their ex. I'm just curious if guys feel the same way.

Now, if you're wondering how friendly... I'm not talking about people with ex's that still have some benefits... know what I mean ! I'm really talking about on good terms, may have the occasional phone conversation or go out for coffee. Especially in the case where kids are involved, does that make a difference?

Also, should you be willing to give up that friendship if it makes a new partner uncomfortable?
I'm friends with my last GF still. She's moving to Austria in about 6 weeks, though, to live with the guy she broke up with me for, so I doubt any future partner of mine would have much problem with us still remaining friends. Though, if she did, I would give up the friendship if she were really uncomfortable about it.
Last edited by gcoleman99; December 30,2009 at 4:06pm.
 
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TravelBarbie is offline TravelBarbie Post #4  December 30,2009, 4:20pm
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To quote an old friend of mine named John Mayer:

"Friends, lovers or nothing...there'll never be an 'in between' so give it up."

If you were ever "lovers"....then I think backtracking to "friends" is a hoax. One or the other will most likely still have feelings. I personally think you should be "nothing"...post-break-up.

It gets all muddled and mucky when people try to be friends after dating. Because true friends invest time and emotion into a relationship, and thats precarious with an ex (unless your "lover" relationship was extremely lacking in depth and emotion). And yes, I realize that my opinion is not considered favorable, popular or "PC" by most people who have "frex's"....but I'd put money that those follks are likely delusional about the reality lurking beneath their so called "friendships" with ex's.... Pleasant aquaitances is fine...but TRUE friends....somebody is kidding themseleves. Aloha!
Last edited by TravelBarbie; December 30,2009 at 4:23pm.
 
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misswright is offline misswright Post #5  December 30,2009, 5:06pm

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Yes most men do find it not good to them better yet can't even think of such if your friends with your ex's as to some women do too; ..but it ok if you didnot part on "very bad terms".it healthy to go out for coffee or lunch or what ever have you even just to chat.{this is only for the ones that know how to have friendship with out the benfits }....but if your partner has some second guess to it ,......it is best to find out why an if needed you might have to limit your self to growth of dealing with ex's out side of a new realationship or current, if you cannot find a common ground.it can only bring on darma so leaveing you to give up a friendship...
Last edited by misswright; December 30,2009 at 5:09pm.
 
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misswright is offline misswright Post #6  December 30,2009, 5:21pm

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Yes most men do find it not good to them better yet can't even think of such if your friends with your ex's as to some women do too; ..but it ok if you didnot part on "very bad terms".it healthy to go out for coffee or lunch or what ever have you even just to chat.{this is only for the ones that know how to have friendship with out the benfits }....but if your partner has some second guess to it ,......it is best to find out why an if needed you might have to limit your self to growth of dealing with ex's out side of a new realationship or current, if you cannot find a common ground.it can only bring on darma so leaveing you to give up a friendship
 
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fjp5 is offline fjp5 Post #7  December 30,2009, 6:43pm
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I like to say that sometimes it is better when a relationship ends on bad terms so you have to stop communication for a period of time. Then after some time you can try to be on good terms but by no means best friends.
But every situation is different.
 
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charlie990 is offline charlie990 Post #8  December 30,2009, 7:05pm
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More importantly:- does it hurt to be enemies ? definately yes.. I see no reason NOT to be friends with an ex and personally I'm on very good terms with all ex's...except one.. that is her choice and i accept it ..
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  December 30,2009, 7:07pm
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When children are involved with shared custody there is going to be interaction between the parents. It is best for all involved if there is a high level of civility.

If I was in a LTR with a girl whose child had a significant event in their life, graduated for example, I would expect that I would be there with her and I would also expect that the child's father would be there also. I best be able to deal with it.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #10  December 30,2009, 7:25pm
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Great questions Jus. Just my .02.

1. It doesn't have to hurt to be friends with an ex-. The key is that you both are well over your relationship past and are truly friends (which most people havne't done it that way). The way I like to put it you must UN-LEARN your relationship before you can RE-LEARN a new friendship

2. I think somebody should be willing to give up their ex- for the sake of their new relationship if the new relationship is that important to them. You know that whole "sacrifice" thing we're supposed to be able to do for our partners? This would fall into the "sacrifice" category. At the same time though, if that person is the right one, and they know this ex- friendship is that meaningful to you, it should probably never come to that.

Just my .02.

Richey
 
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