It works out better when he is in a more advanced stage than you...


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dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #1  December 28,2009, 10:31pm
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So in a BLINK, I figured that my best and most meaningful relationships has always been when he led and I followed.

When ex #1 wanted marriage, and I was just learning how to spell marriage....then when ex #2 wanted his girlfriend to be his absolute best friend, and I was just starting to colllect guy friends... then when ex #3 wanted to show me the world, and I was just beginning to explore the world for myself.

Even tho the relationships ultimately did not work out, they worked out better because the guy was ready before he met me.

Thoughts?
Last edited by dietpepsi; December 29,2009 at 6:39am.
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #2  December 29,2009, 6:21am
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Sounds like that has been a recipe for disaster... but I then I'm not sure I completely follow you here...
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #3  December 29,2009, 6:42am
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I'm a little confused too, Dennis.

OP, it sounds like you weren't quite ready when these guys were. Could that be the reason they didn't work out? I think both parties should be open to the idea of a relationship equally for it to work.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  December 29,2009, 7:28am
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I am confused too. I have to agree with sabete2002 that if you are not both at the same point then things are not going to work out.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  December 29,2009, 7:54am
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It sounds like you picked men who were in the direction you wanted to go at the time.

Not sure why you experience that as "he led and I followed"?
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #6  December 29,2009, 8:16am
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I am going to second what the others said, perhaps the reasons things didn't work out is the fact that he was ready for something that you were not. If you what you mean by him leading and you following is that he decided the direction the relationship would go, I don't think that is ever a good idea. Both of you must be certain that you are going where you want to go in the relationship and it is never good for one person to lead the relationship to a place the other doesn't feel comfortable venturing yet.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #7  December 29,2009, 9:46am
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Echoing what the others have said, it sounds a bit like the "advice" I hear for time to time of "always be less into him than he is into you".

If you always have lower expectations for the relationship than he does then sure, you're not likely to be disappointed, but you're not likely to be in a relationship that's going anywhere either.

Perhaps it's time to ponder what you bring to a relationship instead of just what guys have to bring to you.
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  December 29,2009, 9:56am
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I think I "kinda" understand what you are saying. I am one that likes the guy to take the lead. I am at a point where I want to be in an exclusive relationship, but I will also not be the one to ask the guy for exclusivity, he will be the one asking me for it. I just find, for me personally, that if the guy takes the lead, that the relationship is that much more rewarding. Otherwise, you may feel that you are pressuring him into something, and my experience there as well, is that guys are easily pressured!
 
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dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #9  December 29,2009, 4:20pm
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jussmile wrote :
I think I "kinda" understand what you are saying. I am one that likes the guy to take the lead. I am at a point where I want to be in an exclusive relationship, but I will also not be the one to ask the guy for exclusivity, he will be the one asking me for it. I just find, for me personally, that if the guy takes the lead, that the relationship is that much more rewarding. Otherwise, you may feel that you are pressuring him into something, and my experience there as well, is that guys are easily pressured!
Exactly! I have always been happier in relationships where he was leading, because I wasn't pressuring for more. I guess it depends on what shoes you're in. I suppose, on his end, he was really frustrated because he's pressuring me for more!

Anyway, the reason I bring this vague observation up is that I'm starting to figure out what works and doesn't in trying to build a lasting relationship with someone. With every question, I get a little closer. Thanks for everyone's input
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #10  December 29,2009, 4:30pm
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dietpepsi wrote :
Exactly! I have always been happier in relationships where he was leading, because I wasn't pressuring for more. I guess it depends on what shoes you're in. I suppose, on his end, he was really frustrated because he's pressuring me for more!
That's exactly what I was referring to earlier. Having him be "give, give, give" while all you do is take as you please may make you feel like a princess for a while, but it wears on the one who's doing all of the investing in the relationship and is sure to result in him giving up in frustration if you won't step up and contribute as well.

In order to be successful over the long haul, both people need to step up and invest in the relationship, not just one. You're not likely to get hurt with your approach, but you're not likely to succeed either.
 
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