Jasmine83 is offline Jasmine83 Post #1  December 27,2009, 6:36pm
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My date made me feel uncomfortable. It was a first date from eHarmony. He asked me the following questions:

1)When was your last boyfriend? How long did you date him for? Why did that end?
2)Have you been in many relationships? Why did they not work out?
3)How long have you been on eHarmony?
4)Have you meet many guys from eHarmony? What were they like?

I don’t want to discuss my past with a guy I am meeting for the first time. I open up more when I get to know a person. There is not going to be a second date. I want to know, how do you feel discussing this on a first date?

Also, these guys are showing up looking a little different then the pictures. Like the photos are not always updated.

I did just retake the eHarmony test today. I hope it will help me find a better match.

-Jasmine
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  December 27,2009, 6:51pm
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I sometimes asked about my match's experience with online dating - this was to gather data in a general sense to maximize my outcome with the service, and has nothing to do with invasive questioning at a woman per se.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #3  December 27,2009, 6:58pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I sometimes asked about my match's experience with online dating - this was to gather data in a general sense to maximize my outcome with the service, and has nothing to do with invasive questioning at a woman per se.
I agree with this (though not in such impassioned interest as D_Lion exhibits! ).

I don't see anything wrong with the questions the date asked, unless they came at her in a rapid fire, interview/inquisition manner. These are all topics that have come up with new matches I've had... either on the phone or in the first date or two. As part of casual get-to-know-you conversation there's nothing wrong here.

The online/eHarmony experience is one thing you have in common, so a natural conversation starter I'd think.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  December 27,2009, 7:01pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
I agree with this (though not in such impassioned interest as D_Lion exhibits! ).

How would you like my interest?
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #5  December 27,2009, 7:01pm
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D_Lion wrote :
How would you like my interest?
Compounded.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  December 27,2009, 7:05pm
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I usually don't have rules on my dates in terms of off-limit topics. I did have to break my own "no rule" rule, when I told a guy after he asked me out on the second date, that he would have to promise not to mention his ex-wife... that she is OFF limits for our conversation. That's all he wanted to talk about.

So, barring that... nope, it's all fair game!!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #7  December 27,2009, 7:06pm
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I believe those are fair questions to ask. Do I go out of my way to ask those questions...not necessarily but if they fit with the conversation then yes. Part of the conversation is talking about you background and past life...why are you here now. Where did you grow up. If you are in your 30s and single then the question naturally would be have you been married before ..if not what about the length of the relationships...any kids....

Someone who is a comittment phobe may be someone who has really had any long term relationships.

I ask those questions with eharmony prior to even meeting to find out are they afraid of eharmony..how serious are they...what do they expect..are they looking to find a relationship or looking for a friend or casual sex. Generally if they havent met anyone yet from online they are likely to be fearful of meeting in person. which will make them more likely to not want to meet by cancelling or declining dating but still want to talk claiming they are not ready.

To make a decision in the course of 3 dates you need to know this type of information.

A red flag for me would be someone in their late 30s who never had a serious relationship.

If they just ended their relationship or marriage that last since they were 18 they likely havent dated many people before so they will also be very hesitiant.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #8  December 27,2009, 7:06pm
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Jasmine83 wrote :
My date made me feel uncomfortable. It was a first date from eHarmony. He asked me the following questions:

1)When was your last boyfriend? How long did you date him for? Why did that end?
2)Have you been in many relationships? Why did they not work out?
3)How long have you been on eHarmony?
4)Have you meet many guys from eHarmony? What were they like?

I don’t want to discuss my past with a guy I am meeting for the first time. I open up more when I get to know a person. There is not going to be a second date. I want to know, how do you feel discussing this on a first date?

Also, these guys are showing up looking a little different then the pictures. Like the photos are not always updated.

I did just retake the eHarmony test today. I hope it will help me find a better match.

-Jasmine
I think many of these - especially the last two - are fairly natural. I`ve actually found that people who are newer to online dating are quite likely to ask how long I`ve been on the site and what my experiences were like.

That said, we all have a right to set boundaries that we are comfortable with. If you`re not ready to discuss certain things, just let him know that you`d prefer to get to know him better before talking about that, or answer only in very general terms. If he doesn;t respect those boundaries and pushes, that`s when I would end things. But he can`t know what your boundaries are unless you tell him.
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #9  December 27,2009, 7:07pm
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Wow, there is nothing really wrong with those questions, unless of course, like Wonderwoman suggests, they came rapid fire... I guess I would have had to been there to know if it was just too "weird" or not...

Keep in mind, its the first meeting between you two, and really, the only REAL shared thing you guys have is EHarmony.

It is only natural that both sides would be interested in how EHarmony is working for them...

ESPECIALLY since we only know how it works on the "guys" side...
Of course the guy would be interested in how EHarmony works for the other gender too!

I know for myself, I tend to ask a few of those questions, especially since I am on EHA, and like to compare the stuff that is posted here, versus what my Matches are experiencing.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #10  December 27,2009, 7:32pm
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well, you know, i don't think the first two questions are the best to ask on a first date. the first date sets the precedent, and you want to be about "the two of you, now and in future" not "you and lots of other people in the past."
 
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