You are so HOT! - when they just want your bod...

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jussmile Post #1 December 27,2009, 9:11am

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Ok, so I have been hanging out with a guy friend. Really, we are just friends and have known each other for years, but only started hanging out within the last 6 months. Started out as going out buddies... He wanted someone to go out with and have fun with, and so did I.

Things progressed recently (within the last month), where I really could see myself in a relationship with this guy. He is very smart, has a lot of the same passions that I do, and just all around a caring and good guy.

The problem...

So, we've gotten a little friendly within the last month. Nothing serious, heavy petting. I do not have sex outside of a committed relationship, and he loves having me around, takes me out and treats me like a princess, and is deathly afraid of commitment. He says all the time that if he could just commit, he thinks he's crazy for not just jumping on the chance to be with me. But, he was married for a long time, as was I, and wants to live the bachelor life for the next 20 years (or so he says

). I'm completely okay with that, and totally understand where he is coming from (my ex and I decided to divorce for the same reason...). But, although I do not need to get married, I would like an exclusive relationship.

now, back to the problem at hand...

He wants to take me out continuously... 1-2 times per week when he is in town. We do not have sex or anything like that, and he emails me or texts at least 4 times per week. but, the majority of the emails just talk about how "hot" I am and how much he can't stop thinking about how "hot" I am. Isn't that a problem. I'm sure "hot" could translate into fun, love been around you, you're so intelligent, etc. But, I think it is just translating into, "I want to have sex with you."

Am I right, should I put my friend out of his misery and just stop seeing him? I am not having sex outside of a committed relationship, and I do not want to pressure him to think he needs to make a committment with me.

Last edited by jussmile; December 27,2009 at 9:19am.

trixie1868 Post #2 December 27,2009, 9:20am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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I think "you're so hot" can be interpreted as

"Why do you make an abitrary decision about what actually constitutes sex, and go along with the "heavy petting" till I'm so sexually frustrated I can barely see and then keep saying no, no, no. Put out for god's sake, you're being really inconsistent."

But I've got this kind of thing all wrong before ..........................

Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3 December 27,2009, 9:34am

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Your friend is looking for a "Friends with Benefits". In your post you make it abundantly clear that you are not looking for a FWB relationship and won't be involved in one. That you are looking for a relationship with exclusivity and commitment.

Bottom line is that you and your friend are looking for two entirely and incompatible things from a relationship. While I do not have a problem with people of the opposite sex being friends and sharing in activities together I see problems with your situation. The way I read your post you and he are "dating" because he is taking you out. Also with the frequency of communication and going out together neither one of you are seriously looking for the match that fits what each of you want in a relationship. To continue on with this relationship the way it is going is doing him a disservice and also doing yourself a disservice. I also have a $1 that says that sooner or later you sleep with him without the commitment that you desire.

jussmile Post #4 December 27,2009, 9:35am

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trixie1868 wrote :

LOL!! OMG!! This is SO funny, and probably spot on! Too much! He was raised heavy Mormon, so tells me that is not an issue. But too funny!!

Also, I do not consider my boundaries arbitrary... everyone has theirs, and I respect mine as my own, and do not judge other's who are different.

Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5 December 27,2009, 9:39am

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trixie1868 wrote :

I think "you're so hot" can be interpreted as

"Why do you make an arbitrary decision about what actually constitutes sex, and go along with the "heavy petting" till I'm so sexually frustrated I can barely see and then keep saying no, no, no. Put out for god's sake, you're being really inconsistent."

But I've got this kind of thing all wrong before ..........................

You are headed partly in the right direction. How about if she was to just stick to her requirements and values for a relationship.

grlnxtdr Post #6 December 27,2009, 9:44am

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This guy is waiting you out. He is spending enough time with you that you start to let down your guard, get all hot and bothered for him and then give in to sex. The way things are going it is just a matter of time. What you might think of as dating, he might think of as "hanging out" meaning when you tell him we have been dating for a month or more , he is gonna tell you "what are you talking about dating? I was just having fun hanging out, we aren't dating."

Does he take you to a lot of bars when you go out? If so, he is just trying to get you drunk enough so you forget all your rules and give in to sex. But the thing is, that if you do have sex with him at this point and then tell him you want more than friendship, he will tell you he told you what he wanted before you had sex, no relationship and "didn't you know that before you had sex with me?"

I would say unless you want to have a booty call with this guy, tell him what you want, a commited relationship, if he can't give you that then you should stop hanging out with him. I don't heavy pet my male friends and then call it "just friends" that is a set up that gives him what he wants and leaves you wanting more.

jussmile Post #7 December 27,2009, 10:23am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :

You are headed partly in the right direction. How about if she was to just stick to her requirements and values for a relationship.

I absolutely intend to stick to my requirements...

It just all seems so extreme… either I mentally prepare that a slip up will happen, and I will eventually have sex with him w/o commitment and HORRIBLY regret it… or, I can no longer be friends with him. When I say, “just” friends, I really mean that we had been acquaintances for six years, and 6-7 months ago started hanging out, dating… whatever definition you use. I hate thinking of him, "waiting" me out, for the quick screw. He just isn't that kind of person, although sex can get in the way of friendship...

There is no way to take it back to friendship?

grlnxtdr Post #8 December 27,2009, 10:52am

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jussmile wrote :

ffice" />
There is no way to take it back to friendship?

Well if he is as great a guy as you say he is, then talk to him about it. Tell him you are uncomfortable with the direction the friendship is heading in. I don't think he is going to change and become commited to you. So you either stop heavy petting and go back to no touching or you keep up the heavy petting and it could possibly lead to sex, without a commitment. Really the choice is yours. A guy will take it as far as you let him. Do not think that he has not thought about having sex with you at least a million times. He may wait you out and hope that it turns into a friends with benifits situiation, but you still won't have the commitment you want, so either way you are in a jam.

I just think that a man who is involved with a female friend in which heavy petting has occured, is waiting for her to give into sex. Most guys do not want to toture themselves like that if they never want to have sex with a woman. He may genuinly care about you and be confused about his feelings. He probably likes you, thinks you are sexy and wants to have sex with you, but he does not want a relationship. For whatever reason he is afraid of relationships, and you are not going to change that.

He may be a great friend, but I think you are setting yourself up for heartache.

DennisWisconsin Post #9 December 27,2009, 11:00am

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jussmile wrote :

Your boundries are your boundries... we all have them... What has me laughing is that your avatar is a squirl searching for nuts...

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Wonderwoman402 Post #10 December 27,2009, 11:24am

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If ALL this guy wanted was sex he wouldn't be going out with you a couple times a week for the past 6 months.

Tell him what you've said here, and that his "your so hot" comments are bothering you... and why. Perhaps he just has a stunted list of compliments that come to mind and he needs to expand it.

You yourself said you don't need marriage, just an exclusive relationship. If you two have the "exclusive" talk, would you be more relaxed with his form of compliment and willing to take things further? It sounds so.

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