THE EX STILL IN THE FAMILY AFTER 5 YRS


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kattsuebee is offline kattsuebee Post #1  December 27,2007, 2:30pm
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I have a problem with my boyfriend's family now of 5 years that at Christmas and the holidays his ex calls and invites herself over for Christmas eve and other occassions,His mom and all the family are scared to tell her no even thou she has moved on. My boyfriend has told his family two years ago that she should not be still in the family she has two older kids that my boyfriend raised that are not his, but they still include the kids I dont have a problem with the kids during the holidays but she insist on her being there as well She has now been married to a new guy since Aug. 2007 She also tried to bring him to her ex's family house. I am now to the point where I am giving up on this relationship because nothing has changed. His family still treats her like she's still in the family and that's not fair to me after 5 years. I feel they dont have respect for my feelings. I do not get along with his ex. I told him I am breaking up with him over this and he says I should'nt be mad at him but it's his family so I think I should. Please give me some advice on what to do Thanks.
 
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beloved0000 is offline beloved0000 Post #2  December 28,2007, 3:01pm
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I think you're right on. This is a boundary issue, and Miss Ex doesn't respect any. Like an episode of Reba...I hate that show for that reason alone. My ex would never be allowed to just come hang out, let alone bring his new squeeze. Naw, girl, if you ask me, it would be painful, especially after 5 yrs, but look at it this way. If his family and him neither one respect your feelings or see the dysfunction in this, there's bound to be more junk where that all came from. I wouldn't tolerate it either.
 
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BlueEyes98409 is offline BlueEyes98409 Post #3  December 29,2007, 11:48am
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What's next? She's going to show up to your wedding also? Get out while you can, what makes you think things are going to change if they haven't after 5 years??? It's not worth the frustration, headache & heartache that's sure to come.
 
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supergirl is offline supergirl Post #4  December 30,2007, 7:09pm
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Why are you so threatened by this woman? Maybe she has no other family and this is it for her. If the family has taken her and her children in, maybe you could try to get over it. She is not after your guy; she's married to someone else. This world is lonely enough, especially if she doesn't have an extended family of her own. I have been subjected to family dinners where my ex continues to show up to see our child. My son invites him!! I know that your situation involves kids. Blood relatives or not, how would the kids feel if the family accepted them and not their mother? It would break their hearts and be even more dysfunctional and damaging than it is now. So, if you can't get over it, then you should leave. Every one else seems to be okay with her. The situation will make you miserable, and you will make your man miserable nagging him about her. He is obviously into you, but you can't just be happy with that. Sorry to sound all Tough Love, but I hope that another perspective on things will help you to find happiness.
 
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hljmac is offline hljmac Post #5  December 31,2007, 9:07am
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I was also in a relationship that had an 'ex' involved. The woman I dated had been divorced for eight years, but her ex still had dinner at her house at least two nights a week.He also did yard work for her, bought groceries, etc. Her excuse for keeping him around was that he was still the father to her daughters. One day I was repairing her dryer in the basement while he was constructing a fence in her yard for the dogs. The dealbreaker was when she joined him and his family for a "traditional family Easter morning breakfast". I wasn't invited, of course, even though we had been in a committed relationship for almost a year. I guess 'past' trumps 'present'. She sent me a break-up e-mail two days later, saying that maybe she wasn't really over him after all. No, really?
 
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Kristines_from_Tronders is offline Kristines_from_Tronders Post #6  January 2,2008, 8:40am
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His family has stated they don't want her (the ex) there, that they just don't have the gumption to say no. That tells me that they are just as uncomfortable with this situation as Kattsuebee is. Exes can be tricky ground. Clearly this woman is not as committed to her marriage as she claims. Her husband must have family, they should be with them on Christmas, or building their life together instead of hanging out at her exes place. Her behaviour is grossly inappropriate and distasteful. If your boyfriend will not talk to her about it then perhaps he is not as over the relationship either. Move on as best you can. It will hurt but you will be stronger for it. 5 years is more time than necessary to resolve this. If he were 100% committed to you then he would be more concerned with your feelings, clearly he is not. You have stuck it out far longer than you should have. Breaking up with him might just wake him up and get him to do the right thing. I wouldn't be too hopeful of that. Be strong though and stick to your guns no matter what your decision.
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #7  January 4,2008, 12:00pm
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As my brother-in-law once said, "A has been hanging around is a still is". This man is in a committed relationship with you not his ex and as such should respect your feelings period! As Beloved said, if he nor his family can see the dysfunction in allowing an ex to come around a present girlfriend, then be glad you're not in that family situation because there is no telling what other dysfunction they will fail to see. When you expressed your concern and he failed to take notice and to take action that was a deal breaker. This isn't "big love on HBO' here
 
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wallydog is offline wallydog Post #8  January 24,2008, 10:05am
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If you are getting divorced be careful with these "nesting arrangements" which allow the ex to stay in the house one or two days a week. The "politically correct" idea was a stable environment for the child. That's fine if everyone is normalbut the man is a classic abuser. He steals her car keys so she can't got to work, changed the locks on the door, has his girlfriend come over and stay, and leaves the place a mess. BTW if my girlfriend has me stay over this is forbidden by the agreement and she can loose her primary custodian status!This jerk tried to confront me once when I pulled up to the house but people from her Church intervened. I think once it is over it is over and everyone should cut all ties; it is just cleaner that way and good for the child also.
 
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alphakid42 is offline alphakid42 Post #9  March 3,2008, 8:15pm
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man, this is a tough one.

i was going to bow out and have my ex take our daughter to her mom's house for new year's dinner, then she flaked out and my daughter would have missed seeing her cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents. i took her and stayed. everyone had a wonderful time. no one even mentioned that she wasn't there, as if they were my flesh & blood.

i think sometimes you've gotta wing it, and in your case, you have to ask yourself two questions:

1. why does it bother meshe's there & is there something i can do with myself to reduceupset?

2. is the unpleasantness so bad and so frequent that it is worth ending the relationship?

goodluck in this difficult situation.
 
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163lisa is offline 163lisa Post #10  March 3,2008, 10:29pm
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I realize I am posting on this thread late, but whenever children are involved (whether biological or not) this can become a very difficult issue.

My ex and I were married for 7 years. We have a 7 year old daughter (obviously she came along at the tail end of the marriage). We split up before she was a year old. I have worked HARD over the years to make my relationship with my ex and his family one that is comfortable for my daughter. I lost my dad 8 years ago and my mother just last summer, and if it weren't for the closeness I still enjoy with my ex-in-laws I'm not sure how I would have had the strength to get through. I am on good terms with my ex's girlfriend, and he's always gotten along well with the men I've dated for any substantial amount of time.

I am clear and upfront with potential dates that although we have been divorced for 7 years, my ex and I are still involved somewhat in eachothers lives - we have to be. We share the responsibility of raising a child together, and that means that we might attend the same school plays, shows, etc. I am always welcome at my ex-in-laws house, and for that matter so was the last person I was involved in a long term relationship with. Yes, it can be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but ultimately, as a parent, I have a responsibility to my child and that means encouraging an ongoing relationship with her Dad and HIS family (particularly since my own parents are gone - his parents are the only real extended family she has left, other than my sister). Unless there are issues of abuse, there is no reason people can't be adults about these situations.

In the case of the OP, however, I will concede that if the family does not want her there for Christmas dinner, than she shouldn't BE there. That is a boundary issue that his parents should be expected to resolve, not the partner (although her partner should tell his parents how uncomfortable it makes BOTH of them that his ex is involved in family holidays).

YMMV, of course.

 
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