"The Talk"... How do you stop seeing others?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  December 26,2009, 10:54am
jussmile's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

Seattle

Posts: 3,837

See profile

Below I've put my own definitions on dating, to help clarify my question. not asking for you to agree, just thinking it might provide some context as to the scenario I've outlined.

Definition dating: Seeing someone regularly for dinner, lunch drinks or other activities. No sex or serious intimate behavior.
Dating stages: 1) communication exchanges - email, IM, text, phone 2) first/second date - f2f meeting 3) exploration - regular dating 1+ times per week and regular communication exchanges 4) the talk... moving to exclusivity 5) ltr

So, admittedly, during the "exploration" stage, I date up to 3 guys. Yes, before the talk, I will continue to date another guy that I would also be open to having the talk with as well. This is because, from experience, I've put all of my eggs in one basket before, stopped seeing other people that I really like as well, because I was dating this guy nonstop for a month (2-3 dates per week, daily email or phone). So, I thought we were definitely going to become exclusive... didn't happen, and after two months, he wanted to continue to see 3 times per week, daily talks, etc. but also continued to date other people. Again, lesson learned. Don't ASS[U]ME anything. Until you have the talk... you and he should continue to see other people that you might also have an interest in...

Ok, so back to my question... Yes, exploring with up to 3 guys has worked for me. I have gotten closer to a couple, and have also determined that others just aren't right. Now, there are two guys that I am seeing, and I have a feeling that one of them will want to have "the talk" very soon... very soon, probably early January. I like him a lot. And would be very interested as well in going exclusive. If this does happen, I'm not quite sure how to tell the other guy, that I've decided to be exclusive with the first. I was thinking about breaking it off with him now in preparation for Guy #1 to have "the talk" but think I'm again jumping the gun.

I know... if you think that after three dates you are automatically exclusive, I know you will have a different take on this... I am more so looking from advice for people who believe that you're not exclusive until you both agree that you are. once that happens, how have you had "the talk" in the past?!

Help appreciated !!
 
  Reply With Quote
richey is online now richey Post #2  December 30,2009, 1:52am
richey's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

san francisco, ca

Posts: 2,765

See profile

This subject has always amused me because everybody is trying to come up with these definitions and "strategies" and "procedures" to follow. i don't get why everybody has to make things so complicated. MOST ESPECIALLY whn they make their OWN system up ~ because that mens THEY ARE THE ONLY PERSON that knows their system .. and while everybody else has a different system... and no two systems are going to be alike and........

Do we get the idea now why communications seems to be a difficult piece of dating today? Everybody is only talking to themselves rather than just assessing the situation for what it is, and going with how the interaction is going.... rather than developing their own "system". So my response to this is ~ keep it simple. Forget rules, strategies, procedures, and all these formalities (quit runing your dating life like the DMV!) Because see what you got yourself into because of your "system?"

firstly, I don't necessarily believe a "talk" is a requirement or necessity. When you KNOW, you KNOW! Anything short of that, it probably means it's not the right person. Think about that for a sec. When you speak to grandparents or other couples yo konw who obviously are perfect for each other and have been together forever ~ do you ever hear them talk about when they "had the talk"? No.... they just KNEW!

Secondly, of course ~ it should go without saying that "couples aren't exclusive until they both agree they are." How do you "have the talk" then? Honestly, it really doens't matter HOW you have the talk. All it really requires is that both people agree they aren't interested in seeing other people but each other ~ and again, I am of the school that it shouldn't take a talk to know that. And if you have to have a talk about it because you aren't sure and don't know.... then you're forcing somethign that isn't there.

Lastly, if both people agree they want to be exclusive, then the talk should be no problem. It most likely should be quick, and not require a lot of talking. Just a look, or a "so?", and a nod/wink back as if to say, "yes...".

Richey
 
  Reply With Quote
Andrea8823 is offline Andrea8823 Post #3  December 30,2009, 2:00am
Andrea8823's Avatar

hates working all weekend

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 128

See profile

richey wrote :
This subject has always amused me because everybody is trying to come up with these definitions and "strategies" and "procedures" to follow. i don't get why everybody has to make things so complicated. MOST ESPECIALLY whn they make their OWN system up ~ because that mens THEY ARE THE ONLY PERSON that knows their system .. and while everybody else has a different system... and no two systems are going to be alike and........

Do we get the idea now why communications seems to be a difficult piece of dating today? Everybody is only talking to themselves rather than just assessing the situation for what it is, and going with how the interaction is going.... rather than developing their own "system". So my response to this is ~ keep it simple. Forget rules, strategies, procedures, and all these formalities (quit runing your dating life like the DMV!) Because see what you got yourself into because of your "system?"

firstly, I don't necessarily believe a "talk" is a requirement or necessity. When you KNOW, you KNOW! Anything short of that, it probably means it's not the right person. Think about that for a sec. When you speak to grandparents or other couples yo konw who obviously are perfect for each other and have been together forever ~ do you ever hear them talk about when they "had the talk"? No.... they just KNEW!

Secondly, of course ~ it should go without saying that "couples aren't exclusive until they both agree they are." How do you "have the talk" then? Honestly, it really doens't matter HOW you have the talk. All it really requires is that both people agree they aren't interested in seeing other people but each other ~ and again, I am of the school that it shouldn't take a talk to know that. And if you have to have a talk about it because you aren't sure and don't know.... then you're forcing somethign that isn't there.

Lastly, if both people agree they want to be exclusive, then the talk should be no problem. It most likely should be quick, and not require a lot of talking. Just a look, or a "so?", and a nod/wink back as if to say, "yes...".

Richey
i totally agree
 
  Reply With Quote
DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #4  December 30,2009, 3:20am
DennisWiscons…'s Avatar

Milwaukee

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Milwaukee

Posts: 5,720

See profile

jussmile, after reading many of your threads my perception of you is that you are a thoughtful person. Those people who are thoughtful usually have difficulty with these questions.

In the past I just tell the other person that - while I like them - I have also been dating someone else and I would like to see where it goes with this other person and that it is no reflection on them or how I feel about them. People appreciate the truth.

I have actually restarted the dating process with some of these other people when the first one didn't turn out. This was only possible because I was honest with them. Honesty is rare and it is difficult... but worth it.
.
.
.
_____________________________________________
Come and join the conversation in eHa Groups:
Avatar, Sherlock Holmes, and Other Movies
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  December 30,2009, 6:02am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

I think this might be different for men and women...along the lines of how men are generally the ones to 'initiate' things (e.g. asking a woman out). For me 'the talk' has happened in different ways in the past. The next time I decide I want to be exclusive with a woman I might simply say 'I want you to be my girlfriend'. A lot of women might not be comfortable being that direct.
 
  Reply With Quote
Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #6  December 30,2009, 6:19am
Fleuellen's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 785

See profile

You’ve a formulae. Wowwe.

My “dating” “relationships” and even “marriages” were too chaotic to conform to such if I tried.

Maybe, I never had to worry about “the talk” ... more allowed natural selection work its course. There is only so much time, so the more you hang with one, the less interest others have in you.

And by your definition of “dating” I recon i do that all the time, whether in a “relationship” or not. Maybe wok on that definition some more.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #7  December 30,2009, 6:44am
Sawyer76's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 382

See profile

I would not break it off with the 2nd guy because you think guy #1 might be having "the talk" with you soon unless of course you just aren't interested in guy #2. Based on a previous thread you had, it sounded like you were interested in guy #2 as well. If guy #1 doesn't want to be exclusive, will you continue to see him? Will you also continue seeing guy #2? I usually just go with how I feel about the person regardless if we've had the talk or not. If I am interested in him, I won't talk to others but that's just my dating style.

I'm a little confused about whether you would be exclusive with this guy because this is what you want or simply because he just had the talk with you sooner than guy #2. Basically, I would just look at both guys and evaluate both situations and see if you're at that point that you'd want to talk exclusively to one over the other and there's your answer. I don't think the answer should come mainly because the talk came sooner with one of them because that doesn't necessarily mean this is the guy for you.
 
  Reply With Quote
FairOne is offline FairOne Post #8  December 30,2009, 7:22am
FairOne's Avatar

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 1,548

See profile

Jussmile, I really appreciate your definitions- trying to head off confusion at the pass with a thread like this is always a good thing (um..even if it doesn't always work!)

I don't think you should break up with Guy #2 in anticipation of the talk with Guy 1. I'd wait till it actually happens.

As to what to say to Guy #2, does he know/think you are dating other folks? That piece of info will determine how he is likey to react- if he knows he may just be disappointed and hurt but if he doesn't he may be surprised, disappointed and hurt.

As far as what to say, I'd say that there is another guy and you are interested in seeing where things go with him and/or that there is another guy and he wants to be serious. If he expresses surprise that you are dating others, I'd explain your position to him the way you've explained it here. But steel yourself, because surprise tends to make people more emotional.

Hopefully he will be gracious and appreciate your honesty.

Best of luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  December 30,2009, 9:08am
jussmile's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

Seattle

Posts: 3,837

See profile

Thanks all for the responses!! I am not confused on how to have "the talk" but appreciate your feedback on that area as well, it more had to do with how to let guy #2 know that Guy #1 wants to go exclusive...

and by the way, my numbering system (yes, I know... system), is priority order of who I like more. But, none would have a number if I was not interested in the potential of exclusivity with them... if that makes sense.

I agree, and was leaning towards not breaking it off with G2 until G1 is ready to have the talk. I like G2, but like G1 better. I would not consider myself settling for G2 if G1 did not work out. Again, it's all in my head, so totally understand how someone could disagree with this logic or if it just doesn't make sense!
 
  Reply With Quote
HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #10  December 30,2009, 9:54am
HappyandLight's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 527

See profile

First I want to commend you on allowing yourself to date several men at once. I think this is healthy and the more you date the more you determine what you need and want.

I wish I did this when I was a young woman. I really didn't date much at all...mostly serial monogamy. If I had dated more, I probably would've learned a lot.

Okay, back to your questions. You simply tell the truth in a nice way. If you have to break it off with one to explore a relationship with another just tell him. You can say those exact words "I've decided to explore a relationship with another. Thank you for your time."

As for bringing up the past. There is no law saying you have to go into your past relationships when you are in a new one. If you want to, by all means, do so but keep in mind a man doesn't want to know all about your past loves really. He wants to think he is the *best*. Also, it really isn't necessary. I noticed the healthier I got the less I felt the need to talk about the past...and the more I just wanted to be in the present. My bf and I have been together over a year and we just have started talking a little bit about our pasts...to get a rough idea of where we've been, etc but not extensive details. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to know too many details. The only relevant things to know are the length of the longest relationships, any marriages, maybe why you broke up (but briefly only).

It sounds like things are going well for you.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Compromise or settling? | Dating | Tempted »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Not Talk in the Tub? Skyking6976 Dating 27 January 28,2010 1:51pm
Talk to Religious Philosophy students today RoxyRedhead Atheists, Humorists, and Science 10 December 3,2009 5:31pm
International Talk Like a Pirate Day livingdeadguy Chit Chat 13 September 20,2009 10:10pm
Should I just stop trying? jaydub114 Ask a Dating Expert 10 July 21,2009 5:24am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“but isnt' "comedy" subjective?” –  richey

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion

“"So, at what point did you decide I was only going to be a one-date kind of guy?" Hi Carole, I am late to this thread. Thanks for such an interesting topic! My initial reaction was to think ... ” –  SearchingHoping

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“A little tough love... The lesson here: date married men at your own peril. The man was married when YOU began a relationship with him! You keep calling him divorced. Not when you were with him. Once ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“Thanks, DancingFool!!!!! I deleted all but 2 pics. I kept the 2 most recent pics. I will work on updating pics soon, hopefully this weekend. Thanks! Suzanne” –  SuzanneScorpio

Join the “Photo Review” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:13pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0