"treating" considered desperate? Clingy?


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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  December 24,2009, 12:46pm
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I was exchanging IMs with a friend in Hawaii. He is 40, married and old fashioned. I always complain to him about my dates and he tries to "translate" what my dates say or do, as he puts it.

I said I was thinking about asking a guy to go out and making it clear that it would be "my treat" or "I'll even treat", something like that.

He said to NEVER say anything like that because it would appear desperate or clingy. Funny, he and I have never discussed those issues before!

So, what does everyone think about that? Is the offering to "treat" really a desperate sign to guys?
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #2  December 24,2009, 1:00pm
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This is a tricky one. In the modern age, with the sexes having equality, it should be fine for the woman to treat the man in this way. As a guy, I'm all for it.

I don't see it as clingy or desperate, but a nice gesture. However I'm eager to hear other opinions on it. My only advice would be don't do it for something really expensive.

Since men were traditionally expected to pay, anything that goes against that could be seen as subversive.

For instance I've taken women to lunch or dinner and had them ask what their share of the bill was when the check arrived. I wasn't sure how to handle that- if we each pay our way, does that mean it's not really a date? Is that her way of saying she's not romantically interested? Is it a trick question where I'm supposed to insist on paying?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  December 24,2009, 1:58pm
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I will pay all of a first meeting only because professionals often do not carry cash, and splitting one bill is lame.

She will get the second, or it's over on the spot.

Ask your friend if he thinks women should be permitted to vote?

I suggest not "making it clear." The fact of having extended an inviation makes it inherently clear you are a host, and this man a guest ... though he may not have the requisite social skills, and will thus try to pay anyway.

Asking someone out is not desperate, it's what people do.
Last edited by D_Lion; December 24,2009 at 2:02pm.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #4  December 24,2009, 3:40pm
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Treating is far from desperate or clingy. I'm not sure why someone would think that really.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #5  December 24,2009, 3:42pm
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You may be better to seek advice from someone who is not "old fashioned."
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  December 24,2009, 5:18pm
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I believe in equality so I wouldnt be offended at all if she treated.

I also can handle it if she made more money than me which many guys cant handle,,,,
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #7  December 24,2009, 7:25pm
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I often times say at the end of the date, that went especially well, (speaking of the first one,) "I got this one, maybe next time it's yours?"


That always seems to work, as it takes the pressure off, is done lightheartedly, but clearly seriously too, and lets them know you are kind of hoping for a next date and you like them..

Never had a problem with it.


We are delighted if you treat once in a while, as we "get" you expect equal pay for equal work, and think many/most of you "DO", so what is the problem here?


I have had problems on dates now and then, but "WHO PAYS ?" was *never* one of them..

To answer your question, you should think about trying that yourself, sometime. Maybe *THIS* time.

We'd be surprised and adore a gesture from a female that suggested you are not stingy, a gold digger or adhere to a double standard ( want/get equal pay but closed wallet permanently)



The difference is clearly seen when a bunch of guys together had a meal and the single check for it come, contrasted to what women do.

The men usually each throw a twenty on the pile, over the bill, and then we just leave.

The women, though, almost invariably break out a pocket calculator and painsteakingly work out who owes what --- right down to the penny ~~~ men tend to think that is kind of disgusting and laughable, -------> "Let's see, I had the chicken salad and the ice tea, so my share is".... to behold, usually when they see it, even if we don't discuss it often.
Last edited by 6dle899; December 24,2009 at 7:29pm.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  December 24,2009, 8:05pm
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Just to play devil's advocate (hey, why not... it's always good to see the other side too!!) I can understand how you friend may find that a little desparate...

I don't think the guy would take offense to this, but it would definitely send the signal that you are a little more than interested. If you're okay sending that message, then go right ahead. If he is old-fashioned, and interested, he'll go anyway and pay for the date. If he is not old fashioned and interested, then you'll pay, but have a good date. If he is not interested, it doesn't matter who pays!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #9  December 24,2009, 8:31pm

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Ya know, I have offered-no insisted - I share the expense of dating since I began to date again. And it was something I did a couple of decades ago before I got married.

I really doubt that it was ever perceived as desperate.

I think that in this era of equality of so amny things, dating costs should also be equally absorbed by the datees.
 
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Dinoxx99x is offline Dinoxx99x Post #10  December 24,2009, 9:10pm
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I'd be flattered- then accept the invitation.
 
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