Top 5 Reasons to Avoid the Older Man!!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  December 23,2009, 10:54am
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Ok, I'm dating a couple of people right now, and have an open spot for guy #3 (I will date regularly 3 guys at a time and I have recently just let go of one). But, I'm not sure if I want to fill spot #3... Things seem to be progressing really well with Guy #1 (the older guy -- that's my nickname for him -- not to him )! I'm starting to think, though, I really like him, but am I setting myself up for trouble !! This guy is almost 20 years older than I am! I went through the board discussions, and tried to read everything I could on why to or not to date an older guy. Everything I read seemed to drip positive! Not saying that's a bad thing, and that the advice isn't good... but, I'm just trying to be realistic here. There has to be a number of reasons NOT to date someone that old. What are they?? Here's what I've come up with:

1) do we have enough in common?
2) I will have to take care of him the same time I will also have to take care of my parents
3) set in his ways, won't be up for new adventure and experiences
4) things will slow down really quickly. he won't be able to get up and go.
5) sexual prime... I'm reaching mine while he is getting (or has gotten) out of his


What am I missing? There has to be more than this? Or, did I pretty much capture them all? I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat.
Last edited by jussmile; December 23,2009 at 10:56am.
 
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activeteacher is offline activeteacher Post #2  December 23,2009, 11:15am
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Many will find it bad that older guys

6) are ready to settle down and start a family.

7) know how to treat the special people in his life.

8) may have lots in common with your parents.

9) you can buy diapers in bulk -- just use the same ones for him as the kids!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  December 23,2009, 11:40am
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If you are mid 30s and he is mod 50s....he is likely not going to want to have children....how important are kids to you? Do you want to be a mother?

My younger sister was in a similar relation with a man who is about 20 yrs older than her. He is a great guy, and she said its better just to be friends because the age difference was a little too much.


Some other things to write to the list:

1. make sure is life insurance is fully paid and vested. what is the risk your sexual peak will cause him to have a heart attack?

2. hes getting older so he wont be able to do things that you can do.

3. There will be places he may want to go to before he dies.

4. deside which home to put him into.



I will be honest ...I am very skeptical of the age difference long term.....I believe the limit is around 10 years...any more than that their are just two many differences. Sure it be grat for me to go with some young 20s woman but the reality is we are at very different points in our lies.
 
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Diann1950 is online now Diann1950 Post #4  December 23,2009, 11:52am
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BTDT. I was 23 when I married a guy who was 40, for the first 10 years or so things were great, then the next were OK, the last weren't all that good and his age was only partially the reason for that.
1 If you have children, you will more than likely have more responsibility for them in that his earnings will decrease just about the time they hit college.
2. Your career will be in full speed ahead mode while his is winding down.
3. Generational differences, you don't come from the same set of experiences. Either you will have to adjust to his older friends, he will have to adjust to your younger friends, or you may find yourself isolated with few common friends.
4. You will more than likely find yourself a widow in you 50's, not the prime time to be finding a new relationship.
5. Your children (if you have any) will also have to deal with significant issues of a parent from a generation different from most of their peers.
Now all that can be overcome, but not easily or without major compromises on someone's part.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  December 23,2009, 12:14pm
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You're 35 ... I'm 55. I am very unlikely to date a man who's 35, because:

- unlikely he's mature enough emotionally for me
- I'd feel kind of parental towards him
- I'd be ready for assisted living right around the time he's ready to kick back and travel the world
- Men my age are far more interesting to me: if they're dealing with life well they have experience, wisdom, context, emotional openness and stability, etc. that take time to achieve.

Generally I'd be skeptical about a man who wants a much younger woman. That said I have a good friend who at 23 married a 45-year-old man: they're now married 20 years and are extremely well-matched and happy. She's unusually mature though and probably always has been.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  December 23,2009, 12:23pm
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So, I have kids, he does not and has never been married. I have a feeling he'll want marriage and more kids... Not necessarily an issue for me, but I guess another thing to think about.

I also like the fact that of the "friends" thing. Never really thought about the fact that his friends are much older, mine, much younger. Not sure how that might have a negative affect, but something to consider as well. Thanks!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  December 23,2009, 12:35pm
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jussmile wrote :
1) do we have enough in common?
2) I will have to take care of him the same time I will also have to take care of my parents
3) set in his ways, won't be up for new adventure and experiences
4) things will slow down really quickly. he won't be able to get up and go.
5) sexual prime... I'm reaching mine while he is getting (or has gotten) out of his

Questions like this can usually be measured directly, so why make assumptions?
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  December 23,2009, 12:56pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Questions like this can usually be measured directly, so why make assumptions?
not making any assumptions. These are the ones that I am aware of, and have "almost" gotten past. I just wanted to make sure there were none that I was not thinking about that I should. The friends thing was very interesting because I think people can grow apart if they do not have enough things in common. Not being able to have a mutual set of friends, friends that you hang out with and do things together, and just plain socialize with (we are both the social type) can have an impact on a relationshp.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  December 23,2009, 1:25pm
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jussmile wrote :
I think people can grow apart if they do not have enough things in common.

No dispute to that.

It's just that, in my experience, age has very little bearing on "having things in common." Also, this can be checked with each partner.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  December 23,2009, 1:35pm
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jussmile wrote :
1) do we have enough in common?
2) I will have to take care of him the same time I will also have to take care of my parents
3) set in his ways, won't be up for new adventure and experiences
4) things will slow down really quickly. he won't be able to get up and go.
5) sexual prime... I'm reaching mine while he is getting (or has gotten) out of his

Ok, so I'm mad at eH - I had this great post all set and then somehow I got unlogged-in and lost it all! Maybe it was the Advice Gods?

I'm going to try to remember what I had written before.

1) Do you have enough in common now? Are you two able to agree on music, tv, activities, etc already?

2) Does he seem as old as the calendar says he is? My dad is 79, no one ever thinks he is this old. Sometimes age is just a number but your health is the real factor. Look at how his parents aged. This can be a good sign of how he will be in a few dozen or so years.

3) Does he seem set in his ways now? Does he refuse to do things your way or even consider another option? Good question, but very individualized.

4) Again, this goes to his health.

5) I find the older the man the better the bedroom. Sexual peaks aren't all they are made hype about. And, again, health, has a lot to do with this.

My parents have 19 years difference between them. They are a perfect match. The only complaint I hear from my mom is that people assume she is older than she is when she is with him, but they also assume my father is younger. She is also one of those people who matured at a very early age. My grandmother would always tell me that she was 3 going on 30 while growing up.
 
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