Commitment really "IS" the Four Letter Word (for guys)?!!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  December 23,2009, 8:55am
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Ok, I am starting to think that Commitment is just a bad thing (for guys). Hey, I'm female, and don't date other females, so I don't have experience in that realm ! Now, I know this has been hammered and hashed out, but I am just trying to get a handle on whether or not I can ever expect anything different, dating at an older age versus when I was younger and guys were ready to marry you instantly!

So, especially for men who are almost or over 40 and never married, no children... not saying they are all "commitmentphobes!" No, it's even the one's who have been married that seem afraid of commitment. Is it because:

1) they really do like space and freedom, and don't want to be tied down
2) there's a chance if they keep shopping they'll discover something better
3) it's not you... it's me... really!

I have no problem getting dates, I have no problem keeping dates, but it seems the men I choose to date more regularly, are just deathly afraid of commitment. Granted, I'm not one to go 6+ months to see whether this is "going somewhere." If after 2 months we haven't decided to get to know each other and focus on getting to know each other more exclusively, then I think it's time to move on. If it's serious enough for me to hang on longer than 2 month, I want to get closer to you and would like to focus on you (and expect the same). Now, some might argue that 2 months is just not long enough. I'm not asking for marriage! Just for us to see if there is longer-term potential.

I never bring up the subject of exclusivity. I feel, if a guy is looking for commitment, he'll ask... funny, the subject doesn't come up much !!

So, my question is this: why are guys on sites like EH that tout marriage, etc. if they are not looking for commitment? I don't get it!
 
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richey is online now richey Post #2  December 23,2009, 10:18am
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I'm 40, never married (engaged once), no childeren. So i think I'm the "target" audience you are looking for. So I'll just talk about what's kept me single all this time and hopefully that answers some of your questions.

My 2nd ever relationship (when I was 20) lasted 7 years. We lived together 5-6 years. Got engaged on the 7th year. She broke off the engagement 1 month after getting engaged because "she was in love with a 17 yr old" she had been internet chatting with.

The next relationship after was terrific. Would've been very happy marrying her. But she was also much younger and had never been single. I felt she would regret that someday, and that it was important to her to experience single life, being on her own, and having a circle of gf's. How many times have we seen women 5 yrs, 10 yrs in feel the need to up-n-leave their relationships/marriages because of this? So I broke up with her. Turns out I was right as she has built a terrific, happy life for herself being single and on her own.

As for the rest, they seemed to always change after being together a while and became controlling, self-absorbed, "psychotic." They were looking for a "boy unit" to possess and control and it didn't matter who it was, what the "boy unit' ever wanted or thought, etc.

I've been ready to commit all the way through. But it seems women always want to change me, tell me what I'll be doing all the time on my free time ~ want me to give up all the things that are "me" and adopt all the things that are "her." Why is this? Why go out with me in the first place if she didnt' like the things that are "me"?

Then there are the other things guys worry about. Are they using us for a side agenda? (Are we there so they can upkeep a certain "image"? Are they with us because they just want to have a big wedding day and care only about that, and not the marriage itself? Are they using us for money?)

I know not all women are like that ~ but there are definitely ENOUGH of them that it's made guys real cautious these days. So we wait it out and see if a woman ends up being one of these type of women.

That's just my experience. Hope it helped.

Richey
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  December 23,2009, 10:40am
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It's just the nature of dating today. The grass is always greener and the Internet has opened up a whole new world of possibilities. Few want to go the distance if things aren't exactly perfect- according to their standards. You just have to keep plugging along as you are doing, and if after a couple of months things aren't progressing, then move along, or see them when it is convenient for you. What I've found is that after a few months of checking out the possibilities they always come back, then it's up to you whether you want to consider giving it a second shot. By then I have usually moved on. The flag has already waved. I just keep a positive outlook and continue to date. There are no shortage of men out there. The right one will eventually come along.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  December 23,2009, 10:43am
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Alli824 wrote :
There are no shortage of men out there. The right one will eventually come along.
Yes, yes, yes. Couldn't have said it better myself... but, me's starting to think that there might be a shortage of men who actually are looking for a ltr -- committed and all.
 
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activeteacher is offline activeteacher Post #5  December 23,2009, 11:12am
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Some of us are ready and willing to commit -- to the right person. Just like a woman wants a tall, dark, handsome, high income, no issues, great in bed, stay at home all around good guy ... and then goes home with the local drunk biker who beats the cr*p out of her.

Commitment, yes. Settle, no.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  December 23,2009, 12:37pm
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No reason to settle. Much better to move on quickly after you've figured out the person is passing time, unless you are of a similar mind. Unfortunately not everyone on dating sites is really even looking to date. Some are the walking wounded looking for validation they are still attractive to the opposite sex. It truly is a numbers game for those with the fortitude and stamina not to become jaded.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #7  December 23,2009, 12:41pm
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jussmile wrote :
Granted, I'm not one to go 6+ months to see whether this is "going somewhere." If after 2 months we haven't decided to get to know each other and focus on getting to know each other more exclusively, then I think it's time to move on.
I'm not sure what you're looking for here. If I've dated someone for 2 months (once a week or so), I "know" her. I've heard most of her stories and met a few of her friends. We're probably exclusive (because despite what you wrote in another thread, I don't believe anyone goes on 6+ dates a week) and we enjoy each other's company.

So what more is there? Is this about control?
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #8  December 23,2009, 12:42pm
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It varies from individual to individual. My own eH match, the Sweetie, asked for exclusivity after three weeks, and proposed after only six months. I'm the one who was hesitant.

Heck, we're planning the wedding now and I'm still scared to death. Not about him, but about the commitment. So it's not all guys, and it's not just guys.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  December 23,2009, 12:50pm
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Depends on what you mean by "commitment."

I have only ever had exclusive relationships, and usually from pretty soon. I don't believe there is any additional benefit to be had from trying to date more than one woman.

I usually use the word commitment to mean any shared or split economic obligation continuing into the future, like jointly owning a documented asset (one with a recorded title or lien), borrowing money, or renting.

In that case, my willingness to "commit" is primarily based on my assessment of the impact of this decision on my financial standing.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  December 23,2009, 12:52pm
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melman wrote :
I'm not sure what you're looking for here. If I've dated someone for 2 months (once a week or so), I "know" her. I've heard most of her stories and met a few of her friends. We're probably exclusive (because despite what you wrote in another thread, I don't believe anyone goes on 6+ dates a week) and we enjoy each other's company.

So what more is there? Is this about control?
When did I ever say I go on 6 dates per week? I said in 3 months that I've started dating again, I've met about 20 guys... now, that is the truth. I have gone on 6 dates a week, but that's not the norm. I typically have plans Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes, both for lunch and dinner. But that was more when I was going through the initial "matches" to see if any were worth getting to know better. I most definitely go on at least 3 dates per week. That seems about right for me. Maybe too much in your opinion, but right for me.

Definitely not about control. I don't "assume" commitment. "probably exclusive" would not be good enough for me. I would not stop dating Guy #2 or #3 until I knew that we "are" committed and that he is also not dating. When I say, getting to know better, I am saying just that. Getting to know better, and whether or not this is leading somewhere... marriage or if he does not believe in marriage (have run into those to) then the permanent bf/gf label. If we don't establish that connection, I feel I am wasting my time.

also, what is the big deal about me dating (or exploring) 20 guys in 3 months? not believable... really? what is the average. this is just my experience, maybe others have a lot less... more?
 
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