Seuss is offline Seuss Post #1  December 22,2009, 5:11am
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Well, I suppose it is for real, since I've seen people write about it here before. But what's the deal with people freaking out and bailing when things are starting to get good? That just boggles my mind.

So I was seeing this lady for about 6 weeks and we were starting to really click. We started slow, but there was good chemistry and we really enjoyed each other's company. We talked often and flirted and did all those other great things, really trying to get to know each other. I didn't fall for her quickly as I'm wont to do, but I could feel it building into something, which I felt was healthier than the instant WHAM! of infatuation.

She seemed to feel the same way. She was affectionate, we touched and held hands a lot, kissed, had flirty, intimate conversations. She called me "sweetie" and other nicknames and it felt great all around. We talked about exclusivity and plans for the future.

So Saturday we're supposed to get together and she gets sick. No big deal, but she stops returning texts and simply says, "We'll talk next week." Uh oh.

We talk yesterday, and apparently she says she's just not ready to do "this." She freaked out, pulled back, and said she didn't want to see me any more. No reason, just that she had this headache all weekend and anxiety attacks and that she didn't know what she was feeling anymore.

Can someone please explain this to me? When I'm starting out with someone, it's intoxicating, fun, exciting and there's nothing I look forward to more than spending time with that person. I would never, ever think of pulling back because it was getting too good, and I can't see how I would freak out over something like this. I know it happens because I've seen it here before, but it is the most puzzling phenomenon.

And that's not to mention the shock to one's confidence that comes with it. What the heck did I do wrong?

Can anyone offer any insight? I'm totally confused.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  December 22,2009, 5:34am
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It's just another variation of "it's not you it's me" line or any other break up line. The real problem is not that it's too good but that it's not good enough.

I think it happens in a rare situation where the yes or no answer is not really black and white and it is actually a very hard decission to make. It's when so many things about the relationship are great, but at the same time deep down in your gut something really important is missing and you can't even put your finger on what it is. The bottom line is that the relationship is just not good enough to last a lifetime and at some point you have to face it and let the other person go.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #3  December 22,2009, 5:43am
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You did not do anything wrong IMHO.

Leave the door open, be clear about that, and if you still want to go there should she decide to walk through it, great. If not, also great. Make your decision when there is something to decide, or sooner if you need to.

You can't explain it, people have issues that you know nothing about, all relationships start out great, heaven only knows what button you pushed there, but sounds like you pushed one but good.

It's probably not you, it's her. But if you were being yourself there, and I am assuming you were, don't drive yourself crazy wondering what YOU did wrong.

Meet other people, you'll find a well enough adjusted one eventually.....

JMHO

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richey is online now richey Post #4  December 22,2009, 3:46pm
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Seuss...

Boy can I relate! lol. i went through quite a number of years like that. And as much as this may seem .... ridiculous.... it really isn't you ~ you did nothing wrong. honestly.

Are there things you might be able to do to improve things or to have made it last longer? Well .. probably ~ there's always something. But in the end my guess is that those things would only prolong the inevitable, that she was going to dump n run anyway. honestly, people do this because they have issues and haven't dealt with them, weren't ready, thougth they were ready, and ...... *sigh* It's really frustrating. You'd like to think being of adult age means we're all adults... i'm finding in this day in age, there aren't very many adults anymore lol.

There is a great article somewhere on this website related to the ways women sabotage their own relationships and why. Give that one a read. it'll help you understand and cope and realize there isn't much you can do.

But in general ~ when girls are intrested, then bail, it's because we were either too accomodating, or too smothering. Realizing the fact that "accomodating" and "smothering" are very subjective terms. In reality we might be doing just fine and not rushing at all, but that doesn't matter as long as SHE FELT you were smothering (again, pointing to HER issues, not yours).

Hang in there. A lot of times thins don't work out because they just aren't the right person and it's not the right match (no matter how well it goes). When it's the right one ~ things do actually just click, even when you think you screwed up. (That's what I've learned since meeting my, now, gf on EH).

Richey
 
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Seuss is offline Seuss Post #5  December 23,2009, 4:49am
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richey wrote :
people do this because they have issues and haven't dealt with them, weren't ready, thougth they were ready, and ...... *sigh* It's really frustrating. You'd like to think being of adult age means we're all adults... i'm finding in this day in age, there aren't very many adults anymore lol.
Thanks for the comments, everyone. Richey, you're dead-on; this is almost EXACTLY what she said: "I'm not ready for this, I thought I was, but I don't think I am." No idea what that really means, but there it is. Puzzling as hell to go from "I can't wait to see you, Sweetie!" on Friday to "We need to talk," on Saturday. Gah!

I'm sad, but not crushed. I was fond of her, and could easily have fallen for her, but it was still early. I'm sure there are other great ladies out there with her same qualities that I found so appealing.

But it does shake one's confidence. Was I smothering (don't think so--took it very easy)? Was I distant (nope, we talked exactly as often as she wanted because she initiated almost every conversation)? No idea.

Next!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  December 23,2009, 5:01am
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wrote :
nope, we talked exactly as often as she wanted because she initiated almost every conversation)?
there ya go!
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #7  December 23,2009, 5:28am
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I would have to agree with the Lilycat . . . leave the door open and start dating again. No doubt it is her issues, not yours. Who knows if she will deal with it appropriately in her head . . .
 
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Fixter is offline Fixter Post #8  December 23,2009, 5:58am
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Seuss,
This is almost the same thing tha happened to me. I went to bed one night and everything was perfect. I woke up the next morning in a parallel universe. I have spent the last six weeks, including a 10 day span where we tried to put it back together again, trying to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, or why this happened.

I have found no answers other than if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Some people hide those issues well enough from us and themselves that when they bubble up the only resulting action is that they exercise the nuclear option on the relationship.

I have no choice but to get myself back out there, maybe a little wiser, but I must admit that I am fearful of holding back or not being myself as a result of what just happened. I know that is not 100% rational, as each woman is different, but that's reality. I guess maybe I will know the next one that feels right because I won't want to hold back, who knows.

Anyway, I feel for you. It sucks when tings just don't make sense.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #9  December 23,2009, 10:31am
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Seuss wrote :
this is almost EXACTLY what she said: "I'm not ready for this, I thought I was, but I don't think I am." No idea what that really means, but there it is. Puzzling as hell to go from "I can't wait to see you, Sweetie!" on Friday to "We need to talk," on Saturday. Gah!

But it does shake one's confidence. Was I smothering (don't think so--took it very easy)? Was I distant (nope, we talked exactly as often as she wanted because she initiated almost every conversation)? No idea.
I know Seuss.. I know hahahahaa... It definitely is frustrating and really. Just comes down to the fact that a lot of people nowadays "convince themselves" what reality is instead of actually looking at the reality of things. Us humans are reallly goood at fooling ourselves into thinking things we shouldn't lol.

But let me say this. Why let a screwed up person like that who can't even get their own s**t together shake your confidence? Doesn't make any sense to do so does it? That's one of the best things I learned for myself in recent years. I will not let the opinions/judgements of others affect me who don't deserve to judge me. Let them figure themselves out before they judge me.

Damn right my friend ~ NEXT!!!! Good luck to you.


Richey
Last edited by richey; December 23,2009 at 10:37am.
 
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