I'm one of those women...


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cherrypeach is offline cherrypeach Post #1  December 21,2009, 2:17pm
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You know...the women that feel helpless and worthless because they're in their late twenties or beyond and can't find a partner even if their life counted on it.

I'm 29, beautiful, intelligent, going to school to be a lawyer...completely self-sufficient and independent. I have plenty of friends and loved ones...tons to offer, but I'm like a gift that nobody wants...so sad, but so true.

I'm constantly seeking to self-improve, to better myself and seek different perspectives in life to help myself be an asset to both myself and my relationships, yet every man I encounter treats my like I am a useless inconvenience...

E-harmony was my futile attempt at finding someone special.

Why oh why should one continue to try? How can hope sprout when jaded love eradicates every sprouting bud within my soul?

Ugh, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself...I know this. But it's so easy to lose hope after each failed relationship continues to increase my bottom line.

Any words of wisdom? Hope?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  December 21,2009, 2:22pm

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you are still young. don't give up. getting a little older just means...be more efficient, spend less time feeling bad, getting over failed relationships and start dating again, often.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #3  December 21,2009, 2:29pm

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cherrypeach wrote :
You know...the women that feel helpless and worthless because they're in their late twenties or beyond and can't find a partner even if their life counted on it.

I'm 29, beautiful, intelligent, going to school to be a lawyer...completely self-sufficient and independent. I have plenty of friends and loved ones...tons to offer, but I'm like a gift that nobody wants...so sad, but so true.

I'm constantly seeking to self-improve, to better myself and seek different perspectives in life to help myself be an asset to both myself and my relationships, yet every man I encounter treats my like I am a useless inconvenience...

E-harmony was my futile attempt at finding someone special.

Why oh why should one continue to try? How can hope sprout when jaded love eradicates every sprouting bud within my soul?

Ugh, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself...I know this. But it's so easy to lose hope after each failed relationship continues to increase my bottom line.

Any words of wisdom? Hope?
Looks like from how you've described yourself, you're an awesome catch. But for balance, what kind of things do you think you need to improve on? Unless a man is crazy or stupid (no..some of y'all men hater not neceesary to respond to this last statement ) no man would ever treat a beautiful and intelligent (assuming personality also match) as an inconvenience.

Let's start with what kind of man you're looking for...spill the details please.

When you say men treat you like useless inconvenience, what does that mean? Please provide a scenario.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #4  December 21,2009, 2:37pm
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cherrypeach wrote :
You know...the women that feel helpless and worthless because they're in their late twenties or beyond and can't find a partner even if their life counted on it.

I'm 29, beautiful, intelligent, going to school to be a lawyer...completely self-sufficient and independent. I have plenty of friends and loved ones...tons to offer, but I'm like a gift that nobody wants...so sad, but so true.

I'm constantly seeking to self-improve, to better myself and seek different perspectives in life to help myself be an asset to both myself and my relationships, yet every man I encounter treats my like I am a useless inconvenience...

E-harmony was my futile attempt at finding someone special.

Why oh why should one continue to try? How can hope sprout when jaded love eradicates every sprouting bud within my soul?

Ugh, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself...I know this. But it's so easy to lose hope after each failed relationship continues to increase my bottom line.

Any words of wisdom? Hope?
Here's some hope. I'm 29. My girl is 29. I spent a year dating, and I found her.

And don't give up on eHarmony. I met my girl on there.

So being 29 doesn't mean it's hopeless.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #5  December 21,2009, 2:39pm
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If you feel like you are a worthless inconvenience, you will allow men into your life who treat you like a worthless inconvenience. If you did not feel this way about yourself, you would not allow anyone to treat you that way.

If you are sitting around telling yourself "I am a worthless inconvenience" or any of the things that you said in this post, then of course you are having trouble finding a good man. Healthy people are not attracted to depressing people.

What specifically is the problem you are having? No one getting to open communication? Can't get past a first date? Something else? If you can isolate the place where you are having the most trouble, you can work on a plan to fix it. Being proactive always makes me feel better when I am having a down moment. Consistent action leads to results.
 
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cherrypeach is offline cherrypeach Post #6  December 21,2009, 2:52pm
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PY_2 wrote :
Looks like from how you've described yourself, you're an awesome catch. But for balance, what kind of things do you think you need to improve on? Unless a man is crazy or stupid (no..some of y'all men hater not neceesary to respond to this last statement ) no man would ever treat a beautiful and intelligent (assuming personality also match) as an inconvenience.

Let's start with what kind of man you're looking for...spill the details please.

When you say men treat you like useless inconvenience, what does that mean? Please provide a scenario.
Haha...thanks for asking for elaboration. I was pretty broad in my original post...

So let's see...well, In the beginning men are pretty smitten...always calling, asking for dates (which I love)...then about a month or two into the relationship they change. It's not because I sleep with them...I take my time before I allow that to happen.

I've been trampled on soooooo many times and I think I'm very sensitive to the treatment I receive from men. For example, if a man calls me for an impromptu date, I turn him down, feeling that he doesn't think I'm worth making dates in advance. Or if he doesn't make dates with me and only wants to hang out at my place...and he does this often...I point it out. But I don't do it in a negative tone...just simply state, we should go out every once in a while in addition to hanging out at home. The last thing I want at this age is to be a booty call, ya know?

So when I point this out to men, it seems like they get offended. As though, my wanting them to invest a decent amount of effort is asking too much of them.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Or I miscontrue their actions as a indicator of them taking me for granted. I don't know...

All I know is that the moment I begin to communicate my needs and expectations, which are reasonable ones, they seem to "flip the switch". I feel like I have to lower my standards and ignore my needs in order to keep a man and that's not what I feel should be necessary.

I'm always willing to compromise and am always open to hearing a man's perspective on what his needs are. Why can't I find a man willing to do the same for me?
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  December 21,2009, 2:57pm
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cherrypeach wrote :
I feel like I have to lower my standards and ignore my needs in order to keep a man and that's not what I feel should be necessary.
That's a good question. What are your standards and needs?

Conversely, what would you say you bring to the table as well? (in order to get a great catch, you need to be a great catch )
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  December 21,2009, 2:57pm

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cherrypeach wrote :
Haha...thanks for asking for elaboration. I was pretty broad in my original post...

So let's see...well, In the beginning men are pretty smitten...always calling, asking for dates (which I love)...then about a month or two into the relationship they change. It's not because I sleep with them...I take my time before I allow that to happen.

I've been trampled on soooooo many times and I think I'm very sensitive to the treatment I receive from men. For example, if a man calls me for an impromptu date, I turn him down, feeling that he doesn't think I'm worth making dates in advance. Or if he doesn't make dates with me and only wants to hang out at my place...and he does this often...I point it out. But I don't do it in a negative tone...just simply state, we should go out every once in a while in addition to hanging out at home. The last thing I want at this age is to be a booty call, ya know?

So when I point this out to men, it seems like they get offended. As though, my wanting them to invest a decent amount of effort is asking too much of them.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Or I miscontrue their actions as a indicator of them taking me for granted. I don't know...

All I know is that the moment I begin to communicate my needs and expectations, which are reasonable ones, they seem to "flip the switch". I feel like I have to lower my standards and ignore my needs in order to keep a man and that's not what I feel should be necessary.

I'm always willing to compromise and am always open to hearing a man's perspective on what his needs are. Why can't I find a man willing to do the same for me?
to be honest, I feel similarly. Yes, a certain amount of 'settling' seems to have to take place.

I'm dealing with this now. I don't feel totally 'valued' and I know if I communicate that feeling it could cause a fight or other negativity that would cause a problem. It doesn't need to be that way. But no one is perfect...I know he thinks he is doing everything right...I guess that is some consolation. But, I'm also learning to pick my battles and wait for the right moment to make my needs known....and how.

Sometimes we feel like we compromise too much. You have to find a way to keep yourself feeling like it's somewhat equal, if he is not meeting your needs find other ways to do so (including continuing to date until he does, if need be).

and maybe only then can you apprecaite the man and situation for what it is at the time.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #9  December 21,2009, 3:05pm
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cherrypeach wrote :
All I know is that the moment I begin to communicate my needs and expectations, which are reasonable ones, they seem to "flip the switch". I feel like I have to lower my standards and ignore my needs in order to keep a man and that's not what I feel should be necessary.
Maybe you need to start communicating your needs and expectations from the beginning. You have every right to do just that. If you feel that you need to lower your standards to keep a man, he is probably not worth keeping (unless your standards are impossibly high but that does not sound like the case here).
Last edited by suzyblueeyes; December 21,2009 at 3:07pm.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #10  December 21,2009, 3:06pm
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cherrypeach wrote :
Any words of wisdom? Hope?
For what it is worth -- your blank Advice profile suggests (accurately or not) a person who is either insincere, undecided or fearful; any or all of which can be a turn-off in real life or in this venue. I, for one, am not willing to wade through swamps of anyone's personal insecurities or problems (and suspect I am not alone in this).

An observation: you seem to be very age-conscious. Be assured that aging happens to all of us -- some faster than others, perhaps influenced by attitude and genetics. Satchel Page once said, "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"

I have encountered women who thought that being young, beautiful and intelligent was all they needed to succeed in relationships. There is a bit more than that involved. However, we as a society, do not teach young people relationship skills -- one of the most important things they could learn.

Perhaps you could find a mentor to help???
 
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