Father with legal ccustody equal dealbreaker?


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Dinoxx99x is offline Dinoxx99x Post #1  December 21,2009, 1:51pm
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Everyone,

I have a question about my situation that appears to be a dealbreaker for a good portion of my matches:

I got out of the Marines in '97 and my (now) ex-wife left in about 3 months. At the time, my son was 10-months-old.

Shortly thereafter, I was able to start attending college through a VA program (Vocational Rehabilitation). I was a single dad (receiving child support) and living with my parents at the time. After 3 semesters of school, I had to transfer from the satellite campus to the main campus (1.25 hours away) in order to finish my undergraduate degree. My parents and I disccusses the situation and felt it was in my son's best interest for him to continue living with them.

Immediately after finishing my degree, I got a job working long hours. One semester later, I started graduate school (mostly weekend hours). During that time, I got my job as a probation officer (which includes some night time and weekend shifts).

I attended graduate school again and am still a probation officer. I have gone into too many of the schools in my county in order to arrest juveniles on probation for varying offenses. In NO way would I want my son to attend the schools in this area.

My son and parents are happy with the situation. I visit him on my weekends off, call him 1-2x weekly, and text him often throughout the week.

When I explain the situation above, I feel that I'm judged. Several times, open communication and/or telephone calls closed. What are your thoughts?
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  December 21,2009, 2:02pm
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Your situation seems very complicated. It is unique and understandable.

Their impression of this is making them turn away because they dont want to deal with these complexities. end it now rather than invest the time. Some may pass judgement on you for the way you have raised your child without truely seeing how you are.

My advice...dont explain it up front. Get past the meet you phase before explaining them this. On the surface just say you have a son and that weekend you have to see him...nothing more to explain. Their assumption would be mom has custody and all.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  December 21,2009, 3:58pm
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What about private school?

I don't know, you have to realize that your situation is probably somewhat confusing to your son. Maybe you have a good relationship, but on some level I wonder if he wonders why you don't have him full time. What about his mom? Does she see him?

I wouldn't date someone with kids, but I can see why your situation might put someone off.

I'll tell you this: my ex had a son that he had full custody of when he was going to college (for 5 bachelors degrees) and working full time and he had him at home with him with the ex having visitation. It's possible.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  December 21,2009, 4:14pm
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You don't just have legal custody, you have a huge background that sounds strangely familiar to my own. I won't go into details, but suffice to say, my son lives with my parents for the moment.

I feel for you.

Don't think that a good woman would ever make a harsh judgement on you based on your situation. Not everyone is set up to care for their child all the time. I'm not for sure.

I just tell men that my son is living with my parents for the time being, but he will be back with me soon. Sometimes they ask why, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they run.

I would be happy to share my story with you sometime, but it is so long and so involved. It is just way too much for anyone to take in at once. Feel free to send me a message via my profile on here. I'm sure you and I can tell each other some whoppers about our unique situations.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #5  December 21,2009, 4:26pm

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Welcome to the boards, Dino and thanks for your service.

Yes - it will hurt you that you have custody and your child does not live with you. Most women when they hear that are going to start wondering some things.

I would not disclose this right away unless you are asked specifically. Once you met them (or you are asked specifically), I would just keep it short and sweet and sincere.

I can not judge if what you are doing is in the best of interest of your child, only you know that. I assume this is why you made this choice and that is what I would let your answer be about...." When I got out of the service and my marriage ended, my child and I moved back home with my parents so I could go to school. My child still lives with my parents since I could not provide what he could get from them at this time and I did not want him to be put through another disruption in his life." or something like.

But yes, it will be frowned on. I would frown on it. It would make me wonder. So have a good answer - it could be important.
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #6  December 21,2009, 6:29pm
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If you don't have time to spend with your son how are you going to have time to spend dating a woman?
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #7  December 21,2009, 7:32pm
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Honestly it is hard for me to understand how any parent willingly gives up custody of their child. You may have legal custody but you gave up real custody for your job and schooling. Yes we do make judgments about people based on their values and life decisions.

I'm not saying you don't love your son. Clearly you do.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #8  December 21,2009, 7:34pm

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mikeinor wrote :
If you don't have time to spend with your son how are you going to have time to spend dating a woman?
sqg123 wrote :
Honestly it is hard for me to understand how any parent willingly gives up custody of their child. You may have legal custody but you gave up real custody for your job and schooling. Yes we do make judgments about people based on their values and life decisions.

I'm not saying you don't love your son. Clearly you do.
Yep, these are the questions that start going through a potential match's head when they hear of your situation.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #9  December 21,2009, 7:45pm
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I would be thinking that you loved your son so much that you wanted him to grow up in a stable environment with people you know would take great care of him and love him like they loved their own son.

And if you used that time to go to school and be a responsible working adult, that would also win points with me! But I would wonder how our relationship would fit into your life if your weekends are spent with your son, and if I would be ready to become a stepmom. That could be an issue for many young women.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  December 21,2009, 7:59pm

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Perhaps you are relating your story too soon. Be careful of over sharing personal information when just talking about meeting. It's not necessary.

Your situation is complicated, and without knowing you and the kind of person you are, a woman might make incorrect assumptions about your motivations-as you have seen here in your thread.

We all come from a place of different experiences and what you have shared in OC is pretty personal and might be hard for a woman with children at home to understand. Pretty frequently, women have to work through similar situations caring for their children also. They might form early resentment, unfairly, of your situation.

Personally speaking, I find it admirable that you have allowed your family to care for your child, knowing they are in a better position than you to do so. Thinking of the child first shows maturity IMHO.

I'd find a way to say less, perhaps saying you share custody of your child-a common occurrence, and if you actually start dating someone, then provide more details later as you grow to know the woman, and she grows to know you.
 
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