Atlguy38 is offline Atlguy38 Post #1  December 21,2009, 10:43am
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I just don't get it. I'm recently divorced (for those who don't know. For those who do, keep your mouth shut about it please, as I said it just to illustrate I haven't dated in years). Since its been 8 years since I've dated, maybe the rules have changed.

I had what I thought was a good first date with a woman I met on match last Wednesday. I probably made the mistake of calling her too soon on Thursday and leaving her a message, which she didn't respond to. But I can't for the life of me think of one thing I did wrong on our date. I held the door open for her, paid for her drinks, and listened to her intently, as she did most of the talking. I was engaged, not bored or boring. I was dressed nice. She had seen my picture on match, and I think I look better in person anyway. I just don't get it.

I was actually afraid to call her yesterday. Well, not afraid, just no confidence. Same thing. Anyway, I sent her a text (I hate texting, but women I've met lately seem to prefer it) and asked her if she was free for lunch Monday or Tuesday. She responded with "I'm working my part time job both days". That was it. No suggestion of getting together another time or anything. I don't want to seem too aggressive, so I just said "ok", and left it at that.

I just don't get women. Maybe she could sense I was wounded and had no confidence when we met. I don't think I gave that off, but I guess I am a little too shy. I just don't know what to take from all this.

I am not happy to be dating again, that much I know. But the alternative is worse. I want a serious, lasting relationship. I'm very careful not to show that, as I don't want to come on too strong or desperate.
Last edited by Atlguy38; December 21,2009 at 12:42pm.
 
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SweetKatieA is offline SweetKatieA Post #2  December 21,2009, 10:51am
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I'm sorry Boo.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #3  December 21,2009, 10:52am

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Atlguy38 wrote :
I just don't get it. I'm recently divorced, so maybe the rules have changed.

I had what I thought was a good first date with a woman I met on match last Wednesday. I probably made the mistake of calling her too soon on Thursday and leaving her a message, which she didn't respond to. But I can't for the life of me think of one thing I did wrong on our date. I held the door open for her, paid for her drinks, and listened to her intently, as she did most of the talking. I was engaged, not bored or boring. I was dressed nice. She had seen my picture on match, and I think I look better in person anyway. I just don't get it.

I was actually afraid to call her yesterday. Well, not afraid, just no confidence. Same thing. Anyway, I sent her a text (I hate texting, but women I've met lately seem to prefer it) and asked her if she was free for lunch Monday or Tuesday. She responded with "I'm working my part time job both days". That was it. No suggestion of getting together another time or anything. I don't want to seem too aggressive, so I just said "ok", and left it at that.

I just don't get women. Maybe she could sense I was wounded and had no confidence when we met. I don't think I gave that off, but I guess I am a little too shy. I just don't know what to take from all this.

I am not happy to be dating again, that much I know. But the alternative is worse. I want a serious, lasting relationship. I'm very careful not to show that, as I don't want to come on too strong or desperate.
Could it be because you LIED about your age??
 
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SweetKatieA is offline SweetKatieA Post #4  December 21,2009, 10:55am
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alex751 wrote :
Could it be because you LIED about your age??
Seriously? Because of one year that he immediately explained? Ummm.... no. Geeze.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #5  December 21,2009, 10:59am

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I don't think it has anything to do with age (or possibly lying about it in this case).

This is a one-sided rant and we can only read what 'good' things what the OP did.
We don't know what possible 'wrong' things that the OP possibly did/said or didn't.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #6  December 21,2009, 11:06am
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Atlguy,
I'm sorry you didnt get the outcome from the date that you wanted. Try to remember that it's not the end of the world. It was just one date with one girl...there will be others. It may not have been anything you did- there are thousands of reasons why 2 people may not be a match and it's not always because you did something 'wrong' so try not to blame yourself.

Regarding lying about your age, even here on the boards your age has been ambiguous (i've seen both 40 and 41) but if you are honest about it up front with your dates then you never need to worry if that could've been an issue.

I do hope you feel better soon. Do you have any fun holiday plans that you can look forward to?
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #7  December 21,2009, 11:17am

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It could be as simply as she didn't feel anything. It happens, don't beat yourself up over it.
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; December 21,2009 at 11:23am. Reason: Can't spell when talking and typing
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  December 21,2009, 11:22am
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That much over used word "chemistry" is a funny thing. If it's not there, it's not there, and it doesn't matter how attentive the person is, or how perfect the date appears to be. I'd say you pretty much know whether you're interested in pursuing things further in the first five minutes of the meet up. The conversation can up the interest level or put a hex on things. Then we all have our deal breakers. Something may come up in conversation that tells me to move on. Three children or more, multiple marriages, undereducated, finances a mess, not emotionally over the ex, downs the alcohol rapidly, is of a certain age but no job stability and no assets. Better to move on to a better fit. Don't take it personally, you'll feel it when it's right.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #9  December 21,2009, 11:54am
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Just the fact that you say you think you "called her too soon" makes me think the problem is probably just too much overthinking about how your date will perceive you (which comes across as gamish no matter what you do) and not enough thinking about how your date really feels and what her opinions and expectations are. You find these things out by asking questions and listening to her answers and responding appropriately to make her feel comfortable and good about seeing you again.

I might be wrong, but I would bet that's where the problem lies. Not enough listening. Too much attempted gaming the system. It's transparent when you are playing the game with so-called dating "rules." It really is.

And why lie about the age even by a year? If you tell the truth, you would have nothing to esplain Lucy.
 
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Atlguy38 is offline Atlguy38 Post #10  December 21,2009, 12:06pm
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...I mean, what is the point?
Last edited by Atlguy38; December 21,2009 at 7:56pm.
 
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