Communicating... Am I asking too much?


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  December 21,2009, 8:06am
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Since I have recently started dating again, it appears to me that many guys just aren't really into communicating regularly (whether email, text, or phone). Is that the norm out there these days? I will get the daily or every other day one-liner in email, but it just seems real weak.

I have been dating about 3 guys, for about 2-4 weeks each, and would be open to focusing on just one, but I enjoy communicating more regularly. I just can't tell how well we will get along based on the communications to this point and the fact that I enjoy more frequent, deeper communications. In fact, I just cut off one guy because after 2 months of dating him, he literally would go days without responding to my emails, and even then the responses were really weak. This is a smart guy who communicated very well for the first month, and then... it just trailed off.

I may just be expecting too much... maybe it's a guy thing? I would think that if you are really into a person, you would want to communicate, email, text more. No? If this is the norm, I can learn to adjust.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  December 21,2009, 8:26am
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jussmile wrote :
Since I have recently started dating again, it appears to me that many guys just aren't really into communicating regularly (whether email, text, or phone). Is that the norm out there these days? I will get the daily or every other day one-liner in email, but it just seems real weak.

I have been dating about 3 guys, for about 2-4 weeks each, and would be open to focusing on just one, but I enjoy communicating more regularly. I just can't tell how well we will get along based on the communications to this point and the fact that I enjoy more frequent, deeper communications. In fact, I just cut off one guy because after 2 months of dating him, he literally would go days without responding to my emails, and even then the responses were really weak. This is a smart guy who communicated very well for the first month, and then... it just trailed off.

I may just be expecting too much... maybe it's a guy thing? I would think that if you are really into a person, you would want to communicate, email, text more. No? If this is the norm, I can learn to adjust.
If someone doesnt show marked interest I would close them out rather than ponder it and think that you *might* be missing out on something.

Either they aren't serious in general or they aren't serious about getting to know you.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #3  December 21,2009, 8:37am

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I figure if communications have slowed down on a mans part, then he isn't interested in developing a further relationship.

Since I hadn't dated for a long time previously, I do think this is a change from 'how it used to be'.

However, thats apparently how it goes now.

If I don't hear back from a date for a week or 10 days, than it's time to move on.

I applaud your ability to date several men at a time, because thats about the only way you are going to eventually meet Mr Right. Focusing on just one person, unless that focus is returned, is a sure route to frustration.

Date around until you meet someone who you like and who obviously likes you well enough to keep in contact.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #4  December 21,2009, 8:49am
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jussmile wrote :
Since I have recently started dating again, it appears to me that many guys just aren't really into communicating regularly (whether email, text, or phone). Is that the norm out there these days? I will get the daily or every other day one-liner in email, but it just seems real weak.

I have been dating about 3 guys, for about 2-4 weeks each, and would be open to focusing on just one, but I enjoy communicating more regularly. I just can't tell how well we will get along based on the communications to this point and the fact that I enjoy more frequent, deeper communications. In fact, I just cut off one guy because after 2 months of dating him, he literally would go days without responding to my emails, and even then the responses were really weak. This is a smart guy who communicated very well for the first month, and then... it just trailed off.

I may just be expecting too much... maybe it's a guy thing? I would think that if you are really into a person, you would want to communicate, email, text more. No? If this is the norm, I can learn to adjust.
Is there any reason you've not been able to take these communications offline yet, so it's not just a matter of one-line emails, but phone calls and in-person meetings?
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  December 21,2009, 8:53am
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yes, I am seeing each of the guys in person... dinner, lunch, drinks. I'm not sure what the standard is, but I've tried to only do in-person, regular dating with 3 guys at a time. That's another question too... amd I seeing too many guys at once, or not enough?! I've read through the threads and this seems to be all across the board. One has told me that he focuses on one girl at a time, so I am guessing he is not seeing anyone. The other two, could be seeing other people as well. We have not discussed it.

So, with each of the guys, we see each other about once per week, and I will follow-up with a communication after the date, and they typically respond next day. My problem is during the week, the communications just don't seem as robust as I would think someone you're establishing a deep connection should be. Like I said, it will typically just be the one liner, "hi, things are well, will see you soon" type of thing.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #6  December 21,2009, 8:59am
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jussmile wrote :
yes, I am seeing each of the guys in person... dinner, lunch, drinks. I'm not sure what the standard is, but I've tried to only do in-person, regular dating with 3 guys at a time. That's another question too... amd I seeing too many guys at once, or not enough?! I've read through the threads and this seems to be all across the board. One has told me that he focuses on one girl at a time, so I am guessing he is not seeing anyone. The other two, could be seeing other people as well. We have not discussed it.

So, with each of the guys, we see each other about once per week, and I will follow-up with a communication after the date, and they typically respond next day. My problem is during the week, the communications just don't seem as robust as I would think someone you're establishing a deep connection should be. Like I said, it will typically just be the one liner, "hi, things are well, will see you soon" type of thing.
I see, that can definitely be frustrating. Have you mentioned anything to them about this? (in a lighthearted, non-accustatory way).
Regarding how many people you should be dating at once, I guess it depends on your end goal and how good your memory is If none of the current guys seem to be providing what you want, I'd stay open to meeting other people.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #7  December 21,2009, 10:30am
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ok... different spin on the question. maybe I am communicating too much. Is expecting a good 2-3 emails/texts a day too much? Is 1/day the norm or every other day? Just seems too infrequent to me. If we're establishing a serious relationship, seems like this should just happen...
 
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SweetKatieA is offline SweetKatieA Post #8  December 21,2009, 10:39am
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Be yourself. Communicate as much as you want. Initiate communication. If a guy isn't responding as much as you'd like, then just casually ask "Hey. Is there a better time I can reach you when you have a second to chat?" Some people are just really busy, especially around the holidays. BUT you have to be yourself. If you're not, there's no point in dating whomever you're dating. I'm a talker too, so I get cha. If they're just not doing "it" enough.. tee hee.. then, say "It seems like you're not that interested. Our communication seems to be off. So, good luck to you". And, let that be it. Communication is key. Good luck!!
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #9  December 21,2009, 10:45am
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jussmile wrote :
ok... different spin on the question. maybe I am communicating too much. Is expecting a good 2-3 emails/texts a day too much? Is 1/day the norm or every other day? Just seems too infrequent to me. If we're establishing a serious relationship, seems like this should just happen...
Once I was dating someone, I actually wouldn't rely on the emails so much, it'd be more phone communication. I think talking on the phone every couple of days is reasonable, but there are guys on the board (and elsewhere) that don't like to talk on the phone at all.
If the level of communication isn't working for you, I'd throw it out there and see if your dates are open to communicating more frequently or not.
 
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Mickey275 is offline Mickey275 Post #10  December 21,2009, 12:09pm
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I recently found myself in a similar situation. I had 6 dates in four weeks with a woman, things were going very well (she appeared to be just as interested and enthusiastic as I was), then -- boom! -- she suddenly dropped off the face of the earth for for two-and-a-half weeks. Completely incommunicado...didn't return any of my calls or texts during that time Then one Friday night, out of the blue, she sent me a text that said (verbatim): "As you already know, I've been out of communication the last couple of weeks. Work has been kicking my butt. I'm SOOOO exhausted. Bad excuse, I know. How's life treating you?" I texted her back several days later, and she asked if I'd like to get together again...long story short, we set up a day and time, then at the 11th hour, she canceled with another vague, hard-to-prove-or-disprove excuse ("There's been some heavy stuff going on in my life lately...I can't meet you.") Moral of the story? There are a LOT of flakes out there who are only thinking about THEMSELVES. Other peoples' feelings/time/commitments? Well, they couldn't care less. It's ALL about them. Open, clear, consistent communication is the key to dating and the key to relationships. Ditto for respect and common courtesy. If the guys you're dating don't believe in and adhere to those fundamentals, they aren't worth your time and energy. Find someone who isn't totally wrapped up in himself.
 
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