dating today-- normal to multi-date and sleep around?


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krystal101 is offline krystal101 Post #1  December 21,2009, 1:15am
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Some of you may know me from a previous post about a guy I dated for a few months. Well, I do have a follow up question about that for the relationship board... but as far as dating nowadays...
A work friend thought I might like one of her boyfriend's friends, so she set us up on a date. He was very nice, and I had a good time. Saw him again a couple of days later, and the "bomb" was dropped. he says he is being honest, but i don't know if it is information I really want to hear. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I said no, but I have gone on a couple of dates. He told me that he is not seeing anyone seriously, but there are "friends" that he has, but he is looking for something more serious than them instead of just a good time. So, i had to ask what he meant by that. He's got 2 women who he just sleeps with every now and then, but they both don't want anything more from him nor he from them and they all know it and are fine with it. But he wants a relationship, just not with either of them. He says they aren't really "friends with benefits" because they don't see too much of each other. So this totally turned me off. I mean,i know if i date someone there is a chance he may be dating around until he finds one he would like to be serious with. But sleeping around? Is that the way it works now? I didn't date anyone for a very, very long time and then I dated my last guy for 3 months but going very slow. I, myself, don't feel the need to be having sex with men i don't really like while i look for one that i do like. I'm getting back into the dating world and am wondering... is this how it is? multi-dating, casual sex while looking for "the one"? Is that what people do whether they tell you up front or do it secretly? I especially wonder if online dating is like that because there are so many options and each day may bring a new and better match. I'm not interested in seeing this other guy anymore, but is that the sort of thing that I should expect? Please tell me there are single men who are single and not attached to exes, friends with benefits or just benefits.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  December 21,2009, 3:56am
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lol....this guy is the ultimate duchebag and NO that's not how things work out there. He told you what he told you because he intends to keep his little convenient arrangement going and basically it was an offer to join the herd and a warning that you are not the one.

As for dating multiple people - dating is dating and does not mean you have to hop into bed with anyone. The reality is that most dates don't make past the one time or maybe two or three times that you see the person before you decide that this won't work. Thus you are dating multiple people. For most people, becoming intimate involves time and an agreement to be exclusive with each other at that point. Of course that does not apply to everyone, but that's why we communicate, right? After all, you want to be with a person whose values match your own, so don't downgrade or think that this one guy is the norm.
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #3  December 21,2009, 4:47am
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The guy sounds direct and honest. I've found that many guys and gals have something on the side for fun and will readily give that up should they find someone with ltr potential. Maybe he sees alot of good qualities in you, he's put you in the possible ltr category, and is considering ending the fwb deals. Maybe the communication you two have is very good and he is being too open. Maybe he is clueless as to how varied women's opinions are to this scenario or is just tired of the drawn out dating process and wants to be more 'efficient'.

I wouldn't judge a gal for being so direct. I'd actually be kind of impressed and return her volley by asking why she is being so expressive and how that pertains to me.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #4  December 21,2009, 4:52am
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I don't think this has anything to do with dating 'today' or the world 'today'. Some people have always done this sort of thing and some haven't. I suspect during your time dating you will run into both. So I wouldn't call him an anomaly but I'm also sure you will run across guys that don't share his dating views.

If he isn't the right guy for you and you aren't comfortable with that sort of thing by all means stop seeing him and date someone else. But I have to disagree with Dancing Fool here: I'm not sure why the guy is getting denigrated for being upfront with what he was doing...would people rather be lied to?

Think of it this way, you found out about what you consider to be a distasteful part of his personality up front. You could've dated for months, gotten to the point of being exclusive and caring about him, and then he may have told you what his dating practices used to be. Makes cutting him off at that point a little harder I'd suspect. By being upfront, he made it easy for you.

Even if I don't like what their truth is, I appreciate someone being honest with me so I can make an informed decision.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #5  December 21,2009, 5:00am
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"I, myself, don't feel the need to be having sex with men i don't really like while i look for one that i do like."

And that is how you should be. But as you’re aware other folk see it different. or put another way, don't feel a need to be celibate why being open to Ms/Mr right who may not even be on the bus, let alone turn up. The guy was honest with you; allowing you to make a decision based on your values. How many guys do you know who are so comfortable with their own values and respectful of others to be so open? He mightn’t be for you, but he isn’t a bad guy.
Last edited by Fleuellen; December 21,2009 at 5:03am.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #6  December 21,2009, 5:02am
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dublicate post
 
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Mangosteen is offline Mangosteen Post #7  December 21,2009, 5:38am
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Seems like everyone does something different nowadays, but this doesn't sound like the norm to me. Then again, there are people who are completely ok and desiring of open relationships, swingers, etc. What is important though is that if this behavior is not ok with you (ie you don't want to be sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others at the same time), you need to be up front about it. If you can manage to tell him this in a nonjudgemental way, you can find out more about why he is doing this and whether he'd be willing to give it up.
 
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borebore is offline borebore Post #8  December 21,2009, 5:59am
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Don't date this guy. He's going to take you down to a fwb level.

Not only that, but sleeping with multiple people during the same time period is kinda gross.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  December 21,2009, 6:14am
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krystal101 wrote :
Some of you may know me from a previous post about a guy I dated for a few months. Well, I do have a follow up question about that for the relationship board... but as far as dating nowadays...
A work friend thought I might like one of her boyfriend's friends, so she set us up on a date. He was very nice, and I had a good time. Saw him again a couple of days later, and the "bomb" was dropped. he says he is being honest, but i don't know if it is information I really want to hear. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I said no, but I have gone on a couple of dates. He told me that he is not seeing anyone seriously, but there are "friends" that he has, but he is looking for something more serious than them instead of just a good time. So, i had to ask what he meant by that. He's got 2 women who he just sleeps with every now and then, but they both don't want anything more from him nor he from them and they all know it and are fine with it. But he wants a relationship, just not with either of them. He says they aren't really "friends with benefits" because they don't see too much of each other. So this totally turned me off. I mean,i know if i date someone there is a chance he may be dating around until he finds one he would like to be serious with. But sleeping around? Is that the way it works now? I didn't date anyone for a very, very long time and then I dated my last guy for 3 months but going very slow. I, myself, don't feel the need to be having sex with men i don't really like while i look for one that i do like. I'm getting back into the dating world and am wondering... is this how it is? multi-dating, casual sex while looking for "the one"? Is that what people do whether they tell you up front or do it secretly? I especially wonder if online dating is like that because there are so many options and each day may bring a new and better match. I'm not interested in seeing this other guy anymore, but is that the sort of thing that I should expect? Please tell me there are single men who are single and not attached to exes, friends with benefits or just benefits.
I think theyre out there, but you have to weed through to find them.

I also question whether or not he was being perfectly forthright with you saying the women are "okay with it" that he is having sex with whenever he feels like it, but then again I wouldnt be surprised.

As far as he being honest with you? I give him marks for that. There are probably plenty of guys out there that do that without saying a word about it. Well, probably? I know there are.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  December 21,2009, 6:17am
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DancingFool wrote :
lol....this guy is the ultimate duchebag and NO that's not how things work out there. He told you what he told you because he intends to keep his little convenient arrangement going and basically it was an offer to join the herd and a warning that you are not the one.

As for dating multiple people - dating is dating and does not mean you have to hop into bed with anyone. The reality is that most dates don't make past the one time or maybe two or three times that you see the person before you decide that this won't work. Thus you are dating multiple people. For most people, becoming intimate involves time and an agreement to be exclusive with each other at that point. Of course that does not apply to everyone, but that's why we communicate, right? After all, you want to be with a person whose values match your own, so don't downgrade or think that this one guy is the norm.
The bolded is a great insight. What guy would tell a girl something like that. To impress her? Yeah right.
 
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