seeing red flag or being a scaredy cat?


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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #1  December 20,2009, 4:17am

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I haven't started a thread in a while, but recently came up with something perplexing to throw out there.

Ever meet someone that you click with in that initial conversation, even have a touch of chemistry, but something about them reminds you of an ex? It may be nothing significant at all. The person may even deserve a chance and you may end up eventually not even relating that one little quality to the person you don't want to be reminded of.

How to discern red flag vs just being a little afraid to date?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  December 20,2009, 5:36am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I'm afraid I can't be of much help, as this has never happened to me.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #3  December 20,2009, 6:17am

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What has never happened to you? Meeting someone that reminds you a tad bit of an ex? Or being afraid to date?

P.S. I'm snowed in for the time being and horribly bored (just had to add that!)
 
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buttonpusher is offline buttonpusher Post #4  December 20,2009, 6:40am
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I have had that, actually. I worked with this girl, and the first day we met she was completeing my sentences and esentially filling in that gap in my life. We we went on to be inseperable for 2yrs until recently (she threw me out like a worn out pair of sneakers.) since then i have been completely afraid to date and pretty much have thought...what if it happens that way again...does it mean its gonna end the same way?

Its not exactly the same as you but atleast imo pretty darn close... so i def feel where you are coming from

(also snowed in)
 
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Mangosteen is offline Mangosteen Post #5  December 20,2009, 6:40am
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There's a difference between "he reminds me of the ex b/c of the similarity in color of his eyes" vs. "he has the same way of flirting with everyone else in the room"...
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #6  December 20,2009, 6:53am
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Monica1 wrote :
I haven't started a thread in a while, but recently came up with something perplexing to throw out there.

Ever meet someone that you click with in that initial conversation, even have a touch of chemistry, but something about them reminds you of an ex? It may be nothing significant at all. The person may even deserve a chance and you may end up eventually not even relating that one little quality to the person you don't want to be reminded of.

How to discern red flag vs just being a little afraid to date?
Red flag or scaredy cat? Here's a thought--let me add option 3: baggage.

Is it possible you might be projecting an issue you've had with an ex into your new relationships?

Too many times we see people interpret particular actions of a match through the lens of the experiences they've had with an ex. While we should be drawing on our experiences and learning from them, the problem is when the lens is warped because of this baggage. You'll be seeing red flags where there aren't any because you expect the worst from matches on this particular personality foible.

I hope it's really the scaredy cat option, because then it's just a matter of holding your breath, closing your eyes and diving in.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  December 20,2009, 7:02am
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I haven't had enough partners to find any similarities.

If it is quirk or an attribute, I think you should ignore it. If it's a behavior, perhaps such as often working late, I would first try to negotiate. If it's a value, like racism, I think it's not worth trying.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #8  December 20,2009, 7:43am
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Hey, friend!

I think there were some good points made in some of the replies above. I think you have to decide if it is your interpretation of whatever it is that reminded you of the ex to make sure you aren't seeing ghosts. That is not easy. You may want to give the person more of a chance to determine if it is really there (unless it is something really obvious or something really scary like abuse etc).

I think you have to have some type of confidence that you will see what you need to and be able to make the right decision if you start seeing someone and you realize that this person does have a trait that you have realized you don't want to have in a partner. I think that is different than seeing that particular trait over and over in your partners, whether it is there are not (baggage as Mel said).
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #9  December 20,2009, 9:10am

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What the others have said could be it but I would like to propose one other thing...

Our subconscious picks up things on people and sometimes you meet someone and they remind you of someone you know, whether good or bad. I tend to not discard what my subconscious mind tells me - I don't rely on it since really it is just a guess - but I don't ignore it either. I look for confirmation (or not) by getting to know the person more.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #10  December 20,2009, 5:31pm

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yoga_gal wrote :
Hey, friend!

I think there were some good points made in some of the replies above. I think you have to decide if it is your interpretation of whatever it is that reminded you of the ex to make sure you aren't seeing ghosts. That is not easy. You may want to give the person more of a chance to determine if it is really there (unless it is something really obvious or something really scary like abuse etc).

I think you have to have some type of confidence that you will see what you need to and be able to make the right decision if you start seeing someone and you realize that this person does have a trait that you have realized you don't want to have in a partner. I think that is different than seeing that particular trait over and over in your partners, whether it is there are not (baggage as Mel said).
Thanks, Girl! And thanks for all your comments. Yes, not sure if it's simply a trait, or a fear of someone being like an ex and seeing something that isn't there, or an intuitive type thing I can't really pinpoint. Hard to tell sometimes.

If I run into him again, maybe I'll feel it out a little more.
 
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