When an Ex Refuses to Exit: How to Deal with the Ex in Denial

When an Ex Refuses to Exit: How to Deal with the Ex in Denial

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When an Ex Refuses to Exit: How to Deal with the Ex in Denial


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  May 16,2008, 3:00am

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You've cut ties, but somehow your ex is still in the picture. Getting the message that the two of you are through is all about setting boundaries and sticking to them.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #2  May 16,2008, 3:08am
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Great article and most appropriate as so many have trouble with boundary issues.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have co-authored a classic work, "Boundaries," andthen added to the series with, "Boundaries in Dating." One can always get it through their library on interlibrary loan if they don't want topurchase it.

It seems like many people in these threads do have difficulties with boundaries - both on their end and the other person's, yet they're very necessary toeach person's emotional health and well-being. Often, relationships go downhill when boundaries are violated.

People that violate boundaries tend to be co-dependent and have other issues. For those who see themselves here, it's never too late to learn how to establish healthy boundaries.

JavaJava5
 
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argytunes is offline argytunes Post #3  May 16,2008, 7:35am
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The only thing I can add to this article is this:

When everything you've done fails...go to the police and get a "restraining order!" This will prevent the man from being within so many feet or miles of you or your property!

Keep in mind that an "aggressive---it's hard to believe she's giving me up---stalker" will pay attention to a legal document? But perhaps an overnight or two in a jail cell will convince the man that you DON'T WANT HIS PRESENCE IN YOUR LIFE ANY LONGER? [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif[/img]

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watercolor is offline watercolor Post #4  May 16,2008, 8:33pm
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And sometimes you keep getting messages from your ex because you have been a complete jerk and out of the blue walked away and the other person needs some real explanation about what the heck happened. You do owe the other person the reasons and you do owe them to hear their response. You do not get to decide to walk away and make them invisible and voiceless.
 
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wildblue is offline wildblue Post #5  May 17,2008, 4:03am
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Ive been married 35 plus years. My wife is in her mid life crisis. She left with givingany reasons except she lost her feelings for me. All her friends are divorced and tell her how happy they are for freedom. She took our adopted daughter with her. Now when i call or email her about things that need cleared up like bills, our daughters sports activities,or just to talk to my daughter she thinks im stalking her and wont leave her alone. After all these years you have ties with kids etc, you have to talk and see each other now and then. This article here leaves a lot out. In my case my wife owes and explanation and has no right to take our daughter. We adopted her and should finish what we said we would do raise her. In a relationship no one should have the right just to walk cause of the way their feeling without some do respect to the other and the kids feelings.
 
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midstream is offline midstream Post #6  May 17,2008, 4:53am
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Nice article to read; Will give some thoughts on my relationship, I do see some of the facts here posted.. that truly is going on in my own relationship now. Hint: He has not came right out and said that he wanted this relationship over, but however I have ask him about that many times; and only his replies are .. He is fine. No real answer to the question at hand.. We only go out to eat maybe once a week never go to places that we used to visit, But however he does call each morning to say (Hello) and what his breakfast consist of .. and how he rested the night before.. to very seldom ask me how I am doing. It is all about him.. He has since taking his name off of my Im messenger ..we do not chat any more on the web..and that was all because one time that we were chatting is that he ask if I would except some photos that he was sending me, and I excepted them,,, only to discover that is not what they were .. It was a list of all of his friends that he chats with on line, and all were women, I ask what was this and he got really mad with me for asking about that.. and check this out.. he indicated that he did not know how I got them is that he did not hit anything so that I would see that.. he tried to blame that on the site orhis pc..he also indicated that they where women that he chatted with before we meet.. I ask what are they still doing on there them now that our relationship has been going on now for 2years..he gets really mad with me for asking that.. and cuts me off from any contact with him on messenger now.. but yet and too he indicated that he never chats with other women on the web.. but it clearly showed me something that he has not been truly honest in this relationship.. I truly enjoyed chatting with him on the web,, but now that is no longer going on. cause he cut that off with me..I think that he still chats but have me blocked so that we may not chat..as I indicated is that we dont do the things that we used to do, we dont hug and cuddle any more nor do we get into passionate things, nor do we have hardly any conversations with each other, he sits like a frog on a log , when we are together and just watch the tube, also when we go out to eat,, not a word passed at dinner, and certainly not when we are driving not even any smoothing music, only slience..but have noticed that while going with him somewhere is that while entering his vechile to go is that his music was blasting while he was driving alone.. thoses are the only places that we go now or that we do.. I think that he is playing the middle here with me, because he knows that he can get away with what he is doing to me.. I feel like and unwanted field in his zones.. but yet he doesnt want to truly let me go... I need some imput here to figure out this person....Oh by the way he goes out each day to do what he wants to do, whatever they are.. to just disguard me.. But he has told me that it was none of my bussiness as to where he goes and what he does....and only thing that I have asked him is how was his day.. and what did his day looked like and he thinks that I am trying to fine out where he is going or what he is doing when only I was just asking how is day is going to be like.. he missed the boat as to what I ask him... Oh by the way he is 62yrs and I am 56.. I am so full of excitement and he is not... only with what he wants to do..when he is around me ..he acts as though he is about dead.. always tired... Would appreciate your comments on this one... but I think I am smart enough to figure this out.. let it ride... tks[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif[/img]
 
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neuvoriche_10 is offline neuvoriche_10 Post #7  May 18,2008, 4:40am
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Let it ride? Why? That's what this almost old fart would expect from you. Men of all ages seem to be enjoying this "harem" mentality online. They can always find another woman if you irritate them or become too "needy,demanding". What used to be common definers of a relationship: wondering How someone is, expecting Concern to be reciprocated,Anticipating getting together, HONESTY, etc. are becoming things distasteful in our disposable society. Add to ALL this a growing "SELFISHNESS" and relationships seem limited to an "at hand" (masturbation) kind of thing. Why settle for ONE personality when it might be possible.....might be possible...might be possible...to find the BEST in this online world. Don't continue to be someone not regarded very highly by this man. Ultimtely the best chances for longterm relationships STILL remains those we may meet at various functions and in the normal way. Even THOSE are fraught with no guarantees either. Does it look dismal? Who knows. We really don't, you know? LOL
 
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kimi628 is offline kimi628 Post #8  May 18,2008, 2:50pm
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argytunes,112553 wrote :

The only thing I can add to this article is this:

When everything you've done fails...go to the police and get a "restraining order!" This will prevent the man from being within so many feet or miles of you or your property!

Keep in mind that an "aggressive---it's hard to believe she's giving me up---stalker" will pay attention to a legal document? But perhaps an overnight or two in a jail cell will convince the man that you DON'T WANT HIS PRESENCE IN YOUR LIFE ANY LONGER? [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif[/img]

argytunes
Unfortunately restraining orders rarely work for those "stalker" types. even with going to jail...usually just makes them mad which can lead to violence. You know in Philadelphia where i lived I went and got a restraining order against my ex who threatened me with a knife and beat the hell out of me. I HAD TO SERVE IT MYSELF. This is how its done in many areas. If you get the restraining order you have to serve it on the person the order is against! Yes you read right I was instructed to go to somewhere close to his residence and call the police.The police would WITNESS the serving of the restraining order. Then they told me they would wait 5 minutes for me to leave...I was using public transportation. Yeah 5 whole minutes they waitted then left. My ex then followed me to the subway station I had to use to go home and knocked me down the steps. Guess what...since the cops saw nothing and noone "witnessed it" even thogh a ton of people were there he was NEVER held on violating the restraining order. I got a broken arm and various cuts and bruises he got NOTHING. If the police dont see it well then its your word against his. I had to quit my job and relocate me and my son to Indiana. I had to leave family and friends and start all over because of some screwball and the lack of protection by the police departments and the courts in Philadlephia. Its my understanding that this happens in alot of places especially larger cities.

Needless to say I have very little trust any more and havent been in a relationship since....its been almost 5 years now. I would rather be alone then go through that again.
 
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cynmac is offline cynmac Post #9  May 18,2008, 6:51pm
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javajava5,112454 wrote :

Great article and most appropriate as so many have trouble with boundary issues.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have co-authored a classic work, "Boundaries," and then added to the series with, "Boundaries in Dating." One can always get it through their library on interlibrary loan if they don't want to purchase it.

It seems like many people in these threads do have difficulties with boundaries - both on their end and the other person's, yet they're very necessary to each person's emotional health and well-being. Often, relationships go downhill when boundaries are violated.

People that violate boundaries tend to be co-dependent and have other issues. For those who see themselves here, it's never too late to learn how to establish healthy boundaries.

JavaJava5
Cloud and Townsend also wrote 'Boundaries in Marriage'. And these books are worth purchasing and also have study guides. I read both 'Boundaries' and 'Boundaries in Marriage' while in counseling and trying to decide whether to file for divorce. My husband would not attend counseling because 'nothing was wrong with him'. To quote Dr. Cosby, "Riiiight". So I did file and I did make it clear that having filed, in our county, there is an implied restraining order. And I made it clear that if he bothered me, I would not hesitate to call the sheriff's department and given that he has a record, make sure that he was detained for as long as possible. i haven't heard from him since our first court date. Although he intends to drag this out in the court for as long as possible (or as long as he has money, LOL, whichever comes first), it worth the piece of mind to be away from the day to day drama.

Net-net, this article is correct about boundaries and clear communication. I didn't learn anything new but it does confirm that I am doing the right things and I haven't forgotten to do anything key.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  May 18,2008, 9:52pm
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midstream,114019 wrote :

Nice article to read; Will give some thoughts on my relationship, I do see some of the facts here posted.. that truly is going on in my own relationship now.

Hint: He has not came right out and said that he wanted this relationship over, but however I have ask him about that many times; and only his replies are .. He is fine. No real answer to the question at hand..

We only go out to eat maybe once a week never go to places that we used to visit, But however he does call each morning to say (Hello) and what his breakfast consist of .. and how he rested the night before..

to very seldom ask me how I am doing.

It is all about him..

He has since taking his name off of my Im messenger ..

we do not chat any more on the web..and that was all because one time that we were chatting is that he ask if I would except some photos that he was sending me, and I excepted them,,, only to discover that is not what they were .. It was a list of all of his friends that he chats with on line, and all were women, I ask what was this and he got really mad with me for asking about that.. and check this out.. he indicated that he did not know how I got them is that he did not hit anything so that I would see that.. he tried to blame that on the site orhis pc..he also indicated that they where women that he chatted with before we meet..

I ask what are they still doing on there them now that our relationship has been going on now for 2years..he gets really mad with me for asking that.. and cuts me off from any contact with him on messenger now.. but yet and too he indicated that he never chats with other women on the web..

but it clearly showed me something that he has not been truly honest in this relationship.. I truly enjoyed chatting with him on the web,, but now that is no longer going on. cause he cut that off with me..

I think that he still chats but have me blocked so that we may not chat..as I indicated is that we dont do the things that we used to do,

we dont hug and cuddle any more nor do we get into passionate things, nor do we have hardly any conversations with each other, he sits like a frog on a log , when we are together and just watch the tube,

also when we go out to eat,, not a word passed at dinner, and certainly not when we are driving not even any smoothing music, only slience..but have noticed that while going with him somewhere is that while entering his vechile to go is that his music was blasting while he was driving alone.. thoses are the only places that we go now or that we do..

I think that he is playing the middle here with me, because he knows that he can get away with what he is doing to me..

I feel like and unwanted field in his zones.. but yet he doesnt want to truly let me go...

I need some imput here to figure out this person....

Oh by the way he goes out each day to do what he wants to do, whatever they are.. to just disguard me.. But he has told me that it was none of my bussiness as to where he goes and what he does....and only thing that I have asked him is how was his day.. and what did his day looked like and he thinks that I am trying to fine out where he is going or what he is doing when only I was just asking how is day is going to be like.. he missed the boat as to what I ask him...

Oh by the way he is 62yrs and I am 56.. I am so full of excitement and he is not... only with what he wants to do..when he is around me ..he acts as though he is about dead.. always tired...

Would appreciate your comments on this one... but I think I am smart enough to figure this out..

let it ride... tks[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif[/img]
Dear MidStream,

"Let it ride?" Absolutely not! You have your answer in what you've written, "It is all about him."

And you're right in what you write, "I think that he is playing the middle here with me, because he knows that he can get away with what he is doing to me. ." Now why is that? What is it about you that's not holding him accountable for his disrespectful and mean-spirited behavior towards you? You've been dating two years now! Why are you choosing to let him get away with this?

Let's see. You write:

1. He does not respond to your question on whether he wants the relationship over. OK, you can't control what he does, only what you do. However, you're just as equally important in the relationship as he is. It's not all about what he wants or what you want. You'reNOT having your needs met by him and haven't for quite some time. You're long overdue in ending the relationship for YOUR own peace of mind and well-being. He's NOT going to change.

2. You never go to the eating places you used to visit. From this, it seems like you'd like to and have told him so but he ignores your desires. Love is about the other person, not one's self. He's not meeting your needs nor does he care to. Why would you continue to want such a person who is so selfish and self-centered?

3. He calls every morning, tells you what he's eating and how he slept. He does NOT inquire about you, or "very seldom". You see, you're simply a habit to him and it's not about you at all, he's just in a habit of calling. . . someone. . . anyone. This is very selfish behavior on his part and shows no thought or concern for you. He's using you.

4. You write, "It is all about him.." You know this but have failed to act on your knowledge in ending the relationship. Ending a relationship is hard, but you do not need to be fearful about it or whatever's preventing you from ending it right now. You'll feel such relief to have him out of your life when all is said and done.

5. He's taken your name off his "Instant Messenger." Pretty obvious by his actions that he's made his decision to end things even though he won't answer to that effect verbally. You, however, do not need the oral verification. He's very passively-aggressively showing you over and over and over! You do not need a neon sign in the sky! He's given you major non-verbal cues! You're seeing and reading them correctly!

6. He inadvertanly sent you his "all women" list of chat friends and got mad when you asked about it! He then lied instead of accepting responsibility for his actions. Other than being in a habit with him, it's hard to see why you'd be interested in this guy any further! He's not respecting you and you're allowing it!

7. He's unfaithful to you with these women behind your back in your relationship of two years! You never knew about these women before. If he were not being exclusive with you, then he should have let you know he was also communicating with others. That is honorable.

8. You write, ". . . it clearly showed me something that he has not been truly honest in this relationship." Honesty is a core value that is extremely important that a person possess. When you discovered he was being dishonest, that he would not owe up to it and turning away from lying, it was time right then to break off your relationship with him. Why would you want a dishonest person as a relationship partner and / or in a marriage?

9. You no longer hug, cuddle. do passionate things, nor hardly have any conversation, you write. The handwriting is on the wall; he's not interested in you!

10. ". . . he sits like a frog on a log, when we are together and just watch the tube, . . . " The TV is more important to him than you! More non-verbal cues and disrespect from him.

11. When you do go out and eat, he doesn't say even one word to you over dinner! Again, why are you letting yourself be abused / disrespected in this fashion?

12. When you're in the car together, just silence, no music, only silence. Being with him is not emotionally healthy for you. You need to realize it's much better to be happily single than with someone like this or unhappily married.

Your own feelings scream to you that you are "unwanted" by him. Dear MidStream, he's already let you go, you're nothing more than a habit to him that he can't break because of his own compulsive disorders that have nothing to do with him but rather his own psychological unhealthiness.

He doesn't need to be the one to let you go, YOU NEED to have enough self-esteem and self-respect on your part to WALK AWAY NOW from him and don't look back. Don't answer his calls, his emails, or whatever. Establish your own healthy boundary and mean it. Do not entertain him a minute more. You do not need his toxic presence in your life.

You're being a doormat letting him walk all over you and use you in any way he wants! It's not going to get any better, just worse.

Now people do what they want to do and somehow, someway, you're getting some sort of payoff in his treatment of you, otherwise, you'd not let him continue. I don't know what your payoff to yourself is but untilYOU ARE ABLEto break out of this cycle you're in with him and break it off, you will continue to be unhappy, used, despairing, disrespected, and the like.

You're wasting all this time with him when you could instead be looking for the love of your life who will treat you with honor, respect, kindness, honesty, faithfulness, etc.

It is hard to take that first step, but you do know the answer to your problem. It is inside you! You're 56. Don't waste a minute more of your precious life with him. He is not going to change!

Please realize, too, that we "teach" people how to treat us. The minute this man crossed the line with you in being disrespectful, you should have confronted him on the spot. Because you did not, he "learned" he could treat you any old way and you would not object.

Never want a relationship so much that you cannot walk away when someone starts treating you the way this man is and / or when you first discover the person lacks core values such as honesty, integrity, trustworthiness, etc.

Break it off permanently. You'll feel so much better about yourself. Give yourself time to go through the grief process involved with letting go: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance before you start another relationship. Make sure you're emotionally healthy as emotionally unhealthy people tend to attract emotionally unhealthy people.

While breaking off a relationship is hard, an emotionally healthy person does it and if fine! You will be too. Think of all the things you've been missing including peace, joy, happiness, self-respect, opportunities to meet others, feeling good about yourself, etc. You're worth a wonderful man! Don't settle for anything less than your best!

Write and let us know how you're doing.

JavaJava5
 
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