When an Ex Refuses to Exit: How to Deal with the Ex in Denial

When an Ex Refuses to Exit: How to Deal with the Ex in Denial

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When an Ex Refuses to Exit: How to Deal with the Ex in Denial


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2herdsof is offline 2herdsof Post #51  July 9,2008, 9:10am
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I thought my ex had exited when he left for New Zealand. I was relieved in a way as he was disrestpectful to me at times, I "got on his nerves" sometimes. He then started to email me love and love songs, I fell for it and went over to visit him, ending up touring around NZ as he was busy job searching and had nowhere for me to stay. He was also witholding and irritable.





I should have seen the writing on the wall, as I left to return to the UK he told me I was the only woman he had ever loved. He then emailed me again, and after about six months he emailed me to say he could no longer live without me and was returning home.


He came to stay with me and when he initiated intimacy I asked him if he had had unprotected sex with anyone and he said yes. Would not discuss it, we did not have sex, three weeks later he returned to NZ with my new business venture, we would set up there he said. He emailed me to come out, I did, put everything in storage, gave up my rented flat, put my business on hold.


When I arrived he was cool.......................he went out to meet a business pal and stayed out all night, yes, you've guessed it, his Kiwi girlfriend of eighteen months did not like my being there.


Where to go in January? I got a house sit, we did the business idea, he saw his girlfriend, we had a platonic relationship until she dumpedhim he was shattered. He then went through his time with her and realised that he could not stay with her (her children, her ignorance, lack of culture), which is why he kept leaving her and sending love to me. He then said he would return to the uk to be with me. I said that I would see him if and when he did.


He did.


We are staying with my sister who I am looking after, he is doing some diy for his keep and my sister thinks we are a couple. We did have a passionate reunion. That has waned somewhat. I just did something unforgivable, I checked his emails, he is emailing her, he says he is staying with a friend of a friend and doing some diy, she emailed him back to say that he should bring his daughter with him when he returns to NZ. My heart is thudding, how do I get out of this? Do I tell my sister what is going on? Do I tell him to leave and leave her with unfinished work that will cost a fortune to finish? Perhaps I should email this poor unfortunate woman in NZ who is obviously being lied to too...........................................
 
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pinz is offline pinz Post #52  July 12,2008, 9:23am
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Basically, this is a 'control issue', and it is about 'respect'.


Aa JavaJava so clearly stated, set your boundaries and stick to them.


I know it is very difficult to do, especially if you have a soft heart and an open mind and are a good listener and are willing to give someone a second chance.


Bottom line, the 'ex' is trying to 'control you' . They are trying to get you to continuously feed their ego and 'selfishness''. They NEED it to be 'all about them' and they absolutely do not 'respect' you.


It may feel 'unnatural' for you to close your mind and heart to one you thought you truly loved, but DO IT for your own sanity and safety. Run, don't walk away.


Don't be ANYONE's DOORMAT.
 
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plzbekind is offline plzbekind Post #53  July 19,2008, 8:13pm
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Hey, i've got a question here to ask. How do me files for a divorce ; knowing HE wont let go of me, eh?? What shallme do?? He just likes 2 overcontrols me.. and even disallows me to go get my driving license coz me am from a foreign country.. HE be asking me, why o me need a driving licene for?? And be saying sarcastic remarkslike; "you wanna go out there messin or f***ing arounf while me am at work??" Omg#-o c'mon... gives me a break... me married HIM becoz me do loves him enough to come over to the states to serve him, cook for him, do his laundy, vacumn his carpets, tidy up his bed... Don't me has my own minorest freedom,eh?? HE keeps calling me every 3hours from work and be telling me; HE loves me, ok.. AND to me that's only a lie; just to let his workmate thinks, his a nice huvvy whom loves hs wife a lot.. daz bulls.... HE wont even gives me a 2nd glance whe HE's at home, wont cuddles me, won't caress me won't kiss me and all HE does was just sitting o the couch watching HIS favourite chanel; History, Animal Planet, Motors, or NEWS channel. HE always leaves me blue and stranded each time we were in bed.. Me am getting very sick and tired with all this controlling.. Any suggestions eh??Please advise... Thanks..


OOooo HE's also Mr Gadget, Mr Stingy lol.. wont takes me out no where on weekends.. Sick..
 
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ckj is offline ckj Post #54  August 3,2008, 5:01pm
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hi i know in this article you talk about a ex refusing to leave boyfriend ? girlfriend? i know my wife has been reading these articles and last month she asked me for a divorse after 19 years of being together and14 years of them married now she is setting these boundaries with me and i can understand some of them buthow do i fight for the love of my life when your married for that long and for me it was out of the blue to make love to her one week and be asked for a divorse the next and have a 11 year old son and your family means the world to you. what do these boundaries do for me ? also knowing she is now involved with one of her co workers ?with in 2 weeks of telling me. i think she is maybe feeling something for him always beening there for her co workers spend alot of time together and she forgot about good old me because sometimes you get uses to things and take them for granted and when someone new will do the same thing i would they may get a different feeling from that person than form me and then she thinks she is missing out on something how do i give her space and let her know i love her and will be there if she needs me i don't want to lose my family over this can you do an article on that thanks Craig
 
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devoid is offline devoid Post #55  August 22,2008, 7:03am
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I have a situation my fiance left me, when I asked her why she said it just doesn't feel right anymore. I gave her all my love, caring, understanding, effort, patience, and a number of second chances. I loved her more than anything in the world, I hung on her every word, I always believed things like, "I'll never leave you" "I'll always keep my promises to you". During the final stages of our relationship she broke all her promises to me, negleted me, stop caring about and stopped loving me. Looking back now though actions speak louder than words and she never listen to me, she was never there for me when I needed her the most, and it was all about her and all the sudden everything was my fault. When she left me, I was so hurt, I had given all my heart, time, energy and effort in this relationship, just for her to treat me like shit, lie to me, leave me in the dark about her feelings, and treat me like shit. After a while a couldn't believe what she said anymore because she broke so many promises to me, right when she made a promise, she broke it and thought nothing of it. On the night she left me she everything seemed find I told I loved her, held her in my arms, and comforted her as she was going through problems with work. Then she went to a friends house for a couple of hours and when she got back she called me with a sad tone, I said what's wrong, please tell me, I'm listening. I heard nothing but sighs then I said "are you cheating on me"... "are you breaking up with me". Still I heard nothing so I said again "are you cheating on me" are you breaking up with me" then she said yes. I cried and said why, she said because it just doesn't feel right anymore, she said she never cheated on me but I've been cheated on before and I suspect it with her because the day after the break up I called her to get closure and she said out and I said where, she said target, and I said on a date, she said yes, I said with another man, she said yes. I said already, and then she hung up on me. Then later she sent me a text message saying I'm sorry I made it seem like that I wasjust out with my friend who's gay remember I still love you. After a while she kept calling me and saying she still wanted to be friends, and that she never cheated on me but I can't believer her. She still alwasy wanted to talk, until one day I just ignored her calls even her really mean and nasty text messages. She hasn't called me anymore after I told her I don't want to ever talk to you again, but, what does this mean? she dumped me and then kept on trying to talk to me and wanting to be my friend but just not be my girlfriend anymore. This is so cnfusing as she's the one who dumped me.
 
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Moouse is offline Moouse Post #56  October 5,2008, 7:22am
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2herdsof,164559 wrote :

I thought my ex had exited when he left for New Zealand. I was relieved in a way as he was disrestpectful to me at times, I "got on his nerves" sometimes. He then started to email me love and love songs, I fell for it and went over to visit him, ending up touring around NZ as he was busy job searching and had nowhere for me to stay. He was also witholding and irritable.





I should have seen the writing on the wall, as I left to return to the UK he told me I was the only woman he had ever loved. He then emailed me again, and after about six months he emailed me to say he could no longer live without me and was returning home.


He came to stay with me and when he initiated intimacy I asked him if he had had unprotected sex with anyone and he said yes. Would not discuss it, we did not have sex, three weeks later he returned to NZ with my new business venture, we would set up there he said. He emailed me to come out, I did, put everything in storage, gave up my rented flat, put my business on hold.


When I arrived he was cool.......................he went out to meet a business pal and stayed out all night, yes, you've guessed it, his Kiwi girlfriend of eighteen months did not like my being there.


Where to go in January? I got a house sit, we did the business idea, he saw his girlfriend, we had a platonic relationship until she dumpedhim he was shattered. He then went through his time with her and realised that he could not stay with her (her children, her ignorance, lack of culture), which is why he kept leaving her and sending love to me. He then said he would return to the uk to be with me. I said that I would see him if and when he did.


He did.


We are staying with my sister who I am looking after, he is doing some diy for his keep and my sister thinks we are a couple. We did have a passionate reunion. That has waned somewhat. I just did something unforgivable, I checked his emails, he is emailing her, he says he is staying with a friend of a friend and doing some diy, she emailed him back to say that he should bring his daughter with him when he returns to NZ. My heart is thudding, how do I get out of this? Do I tell my sister what is going on? Do I tell him to leave and leave her with unfinished work that will cost a fortune to finish? Perhaps I should email this poor unfortunate woman in NZ who is obviously being lied to too...........................................

O. Kay !


First of all I am a woman , so I feel your pain in that situation. But, I am standing out of the box. I am going to tell you the truth. So, that you can have some options here. The man is an opportunists. He feels like he has the option to run over women like you and others who he considers his victims. Now , you and this man have had the exercise in this relationship to come to some conclusions as to whether to continue or end it. You apparently still have affections for him. He probably practiced on what skills he needed to develop to reel you and others in. In other words he has had more time philandering then concentrating on having a stable relationship with all the additives to sustain it and nurture or become a promise keeper. The only time he will learn is when his options according to him start to dimish. The hair line starts receeding , the call for viagra might be an option and the big horror REJECTION sets in. Then its the truth is in his face. He cannot run from it . You now have to make a decision to make a concrete decision or continue the exercise in futility. Just remember time waits for no one. I want for you what I would like for myself and I am saying . Let him go! he'll come back, but you have to be strong . Stay with your sister and help her. You were naieve to this game and he played you out. Now pick up your self-esteem, guts, and take a good look . You are attractive just like you found him you can find someone else. You are not his mother nor are you responsible for his irresponsibility, indecision , etc. Let him make up his mind. ALONE. In the meantime you get your defenses up . I hope this helps.


Moouse
 
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haruo is offline haruo Post #57  January 1,2009, 11:33am
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just tell them the truth and you don't want to see them any more and for them not to bother you. Plain and simple.





from Haruo
 
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ekay is offline ekay Post #58  October 13,2011, 3:25pm
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I had tried all of your ideas, but had to put block on phone, block on e-mails andblock on skype and finally 3 month phone block was over, just told him i had boyfriend !!!!Did not want to lie, but Nothing else worked !
 
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