first date conversation...HELP


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lilly85 is offline lilly85 Post #1  December 17,2009, 8:32pm
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I have my fist date with a match this weekend. I am really interested in this one and we have been communicating through messages for a while. A few nights ago we talked on the phone to set up our date and it was painfully uncomfortable and lots of silences. I haven't had this happen to me many times in person but this match and I are both a bit introverted. Any tips for good first date conversation starters or ways to save a date if we hit those awkward patches?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  December 17,2009, 8:37pm
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i dont have any suggestions because i honestly would not go on a date like that. it would be like pulling teeth to me. sorry, but if a phone convo doesnt go well then i'm usually not excited to meet the person
 
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fjp5 is offline fjp5 Post #3  December 17,2009, 8:48pm
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These things can't be forced, if you go in with an agenda of topics it will be like an interview. If the conversation doesn't come naturally then maybe you should put a period at the end of this match and move on.
OR
I hate to encourage this but have a few drinks, that should loosen both you up.
 
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knittingtakesballs is offline knittingtakesballs Post #4  December 17,2009, 8:52pm
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lilly85 wrote :
I have my fist date with a match this weekend. I am really interested in this one and we have been communicating through messages for a while. A few nights ago we talked on the phone to set up our date and it was painfully uncomfortable and lots of silences. I haven't had this happen to me many times in person but this match and I are both a bit introverted. Any tips for good first date conversation starters or ways to save a date if we hit those awkward patches?
uhm... the first phone call should be a cue to what has to come but maybe you both were nervous?? IF so read below:

Think about some topics you both have in common and think about them... think about some things you can bring up casually or transition to. My opinion is if things are electric via email they are electric in person. We all do well in different forms of communication and maybe the phone is not either of your strong suits (at least not at this point)... in which case it may be awkward in person, even moreso than the phone, but if you are willing to forego that moment of awkwardness, and bring up maybe some topics youve thought of discussing, then you'll likely hit it off. Most importantly, don't forget about things youve already discussed.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  December 17,2009, 9:07pm
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By going to the phone, and apparently staying there too long, you burned up all your good in-person conversation topics.

Remember, an eH match is a stranger. You have no shared experiences or common background to talk about. You really have very little to talk about at first, unless you go to go straight to full-on interview mode or deep into "thoughts and feelings" which many people despise.

Why are you "really interested in this one"? Because he is a paying member and you got him through OC? That's not enough.

You can probably salvage your first meeting if you a) keep it short and b) keep your expectations modest.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #6  December 18,2009, 3:02am

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Oh melman, you're a man of the world. How can you run out of good conversation topics!

melman wrote :
By going to the phone, and apparently staying there too long, you burned up all your good in-person conversation topics.
Of course, the flip side to the same coin is that one can screen out those matches who are not compatible before getting dolled up or spending resources on a first date.

For me, I often eliminate about 1 in 4 matches based on the first phone call alone. Sometimes it's just obvious things are not going to work out based on a phone call because they're not quick-witted, have an annoying voice (yes, this happens), can't keep up intellectually, or whatever. The one caveat to this is if I sense the other person is anxious.
 
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shiki is offline shiki Post #7  December 18,2009, 5:43am
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Yikes...it's been my experience that when the first call is awkward and uncomfortable, the in person experience is pretty much the same. To make the best of it have a few topics and/or questions you want to know ready to discuss. Good Luck
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #8  December 18,2009, 5:45am
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Yeah mel, if she ran out of all the good topics in one phone conversation she might as well give up on this guy. But Knitting has a good point - some people just don't do well on the phone.

I do agree that you should go into the first date without a lot of expectations - just set the goal that you want to decide if you want to do a second date with him. Do the first date at a place where there are some activities going on. Maybe a busy coffee house or restaurant where you see people walking about (mall, plaza, downtown.)

You can talk about the sights, the walkers, what you both do for a living, what you like about your jobs, the people you work with, your hobbies, favorite movies, TV shows, music, your family, your pets, your friends, fun activities you like to do, favorite vacation/ travel spots, sports, exercise activities, things that make you laugh/ cry/ go "awhhh".

Look at his profile or think about your phone conversation to generate any additional questions (i.e., "you said you traveled to Europe. What did you do there? Where did you go? What did you enjoy most?")

Stay away or minimize any carping about politics, religion, bad past relationships, major dislikes, emotional baggage.

A good first date doesn't have to look like interrogation or an interview. Take away the pressure of meeting some one for the first time, and treat it as an opportunity to hang out and get to know some one. He'll probably appreciate it if you have a relaxed and positive attitude about this.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #9  December 18,2009, 6:22am
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I say give the guy a chance.

I also think that making up a list of topics to bring up is a good idea and not contrived at all.

I did it with my now bf. I read his profile deeply and wrote down questions I might have about him. Not only from his profile but further investigate things he may say. Not heavy questions but light ones.

You can ask him about the city he lives in. How long? What is fun to do there? What does he do for fun?

Or travel. Where has he traveled? Does he want to travel more?

Hobbies. Is he a reader? What books? Does he like to go to bookstores or libraries? Latest book read? Or movies...etc etc.

Hobbies/interests/places where you've been....etc good topics.

If you feel comfortable enough, you can even talk about Eharmony but in a light way.

Give the guy a chance. At the very least you'll learn something. He maybe very sweet and a good bf. I know a woman who has a bf like that. He is very quiet, doesn't talk much but they are happy.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #10  December 18,2009, 6:30am
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Shelby wrote :
A good first date doesn't have to look like interrogation or an interview. Take away the pressure of meeting some one for the first time, and treat it as an opportunity to hang out and get to know some one. He'll probably appreciate it if you have a relaxed and positive attitude about this.
+1

There must be something about this person that attracted you. What are you common interests? Music? - Seen any good shows lately. Reading? - Read any good books lately?

I absolutely despise the interview first date. I will steer conversations away from that, and if the person insists *shrug* another crappy first eH date.
 
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