Need to know when I can address an issue with him...


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smileatjen is offline smileatjen Post #1  December 17,2009, 8:57am
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Lets see. I met this guy went out on A date with him but because of both of our schedules we havent been able to go out. He got sick last week and his mother just passed away a couple days ago.

He tells me 10239023847 times he likes me then last night he texts me that he "LOVES" me. I was like how the hell-o do I respond to this????

Now that he is still in mourning I didn't want to have the talk, because even the interest I had is almost gone cause he's scared the living daylights out of me.

So how long should I wait to talk to him considering his mother just passed? I just don't want to make him upset on something like this when he should be mourning, but I do want to talk to him.

To be honest, I just think his behaviors are a bit concerning and I want to address it with him. Whats the right time considering his situation?
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  December 17,2009, 9:41am
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My gut instinct on this is that the guy is on an emotional rollercoaster right now and the "I love you" is just a product of that. When we get emotional about something so important to us we sometimes we throw something out there that shouldn't be.

Quick example - the company I worked for closed last year. I had just met a guy about a month earlier. I went all emo on him and drove him away. I was not emo about him, I was upset that I, and 50 of my closest friends, didn't have a job.

You might want to wait just a little longer before you drive in the final nail. But I would try my best to not see him at all.
 
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Chris_Angel is offline Chris_Angel Post #3  December 17,2009, 10:40am
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I think it's the 'how' and not the 'when', that is the key factor. Of course, it's good to be tactful and pick just the right moment. But dont wait too long.

I think he is going to be in mourning for a considerable amount of time. It could be months or more. I dont think it's right to wait for that long, for either of you. The longer you wait, the greater the emotional dependance he will develope towards you.

I broke up with a woman once, soon after her beloved-grandmother had passed away. At first, she begged me to stay. So I did, as I felt like a total heel, especially with the timing of it. But I soon realized that my dishonesty was bad for both of us... and maybe moreso for her.

I also think it's important to be selfish in a relationship. Dont take that the wrong way. I mean, if you are not happy, then you cant both be happy. Know what I mean?

Anyhow, that's a tough spot you are in and I wish you the best of luck in dealing with it.
 
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smileatjen is offline smileatjen Post #4  December 17,2009, 10:51am
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See if I was in a relationship it would be different. I might just wait a little bit, but I can't keep it going to make him feel better either.
 
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borebore is offline borebore Post #5  December 17,2009, 11:29am
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I think you should talk to him and see how he feels. I'm going to also say it was an emotional rollercoaster thing caused by recent events. I'm leaning towards the "no way" side though.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  December 17,2009, 12:01pm
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I wouldn't try to get him involved in some deep relationship discussion right now. He needs to be focussing on his mom's death. And probably his brain is not working right; that kind of shock/loss puts you in an altered state.

If he comes at you with "I love you" just say thanks. And don't believe it.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  December 17,2009, 12:19pm
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You have only had one date with him and you don't see anything long term with him. So an e-mail telling him this would be just fine and done right now. There is not a big emotional bond between you regardless of what he may think.

The loss of a parent is very traumatic and if this is his second parent to pass away it is even more so. He really should dealing with his loss for quite some time and not be dating at this time.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #8  December 18,2009, 12:25pm
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I also would say its' not the time for a deep, serious discussion about your "relatoinship" given the circumstances.

I think you basically chill for a while and just let him do what he needs to do. I think you basically tell him he needs to focus on the family right now and that's the most important thing ~ and when he's had a chance to take care of things in that area ~ then you guys can talk again.

Once he's taken care of it.... then maybe that's when you talk about it.

So in other words ~ don't dump on him. But don't engage him too much either tothe point it appears like something it isn't.

Good luck.
Richey
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #9  December 18,2009, 4:07pm
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I don't understand what you mean by "Talk"??? Do you mean you aren't interested and don't wish to see him again?

Do you mean that everything is too intense for you right now and you might be interested in getting together again when things are less hectic?

Do you mean that you understand he is grieving but it is not fair to you for him to tell you he loves you at this point in time but you would like to see him again if he mellows?

I think defining your intentions your feelings for yourself before talking to him is only fair to him. Figure out how you feel and whether you want to see him again then tell him honestly. Stringing him along while he is grieving the loss of a parent isn't a very nice thing to do.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #10  December 18,2009, 4:15pm

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I don't think I would have a discussion with someone that I went on one date with that says "He loves me".

I would say good luck to you and not see him again. This is weird and I may sound heartless and I don't care if it was a by-product of his mom's death, still weird and something is not right.

I would not stay around to fix it...I would be out of there in a flash, but that is me.
Last edited by LizziePooh; December 18,2009 at 10:01pm.
 
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