Timmer2 is offline Timmer2 Post #1  December 16,2009, 6:31pm
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Ok so here's my situation. I met a girl on a matchmaking service just like this one. Our first date was great and we actually were able to talk for a good 4 hours after we went and saw a movie. Also we've been sending emails back and forth now for a couple weeks every night so the communication is definitely there.

What makes me nervous is I'm not a big talker, at least not in person. It was easier for me to keep the conversation going during the first date as we were covering a lot of background information about each other. We're going out on a second date this weekend and I'm really worried I'm not going to keep the conversation going like I did on the first date. I have a friend in a similar situation as me and he actually went so far as to write questions down beforehand and try to memorize them for the date. This seems a little bit excessive.

I've been reading a lot of dating advice threads on how to date quiet types and unfortunately not all of it is helpful. If your going to give advice I appreciate it but please keep it constructive and don't tell me I should just give up. I haven't been on many dates before and it could just be that I need more practice. I know the idea is to find common ground to talk about. The problem is now that I know what we have in common it's as if I'm having trouble trying to keep the conversation going with something new that we haven't discussed yet.

I would say it's a big problem for me. Big enough of a problem that it has kept me from trying to meet new people in the past. I've just got fed up with being alone, now that I'm meeting people I have to find a way to overcome it.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #2  December 18,2009, 12:39pm
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Timmer,

First and foremost.. RELAX!!!!!!

Dating is no about putting on a good show, orchestrating the perfect date production, etc. ok? Dating is about being yourself, letting the other person be themselves, then assessing at the end if there is enough there to do it again, and again, and again. SO! The #1 thing for you to do is BE YOURSELF, JUST YOURSELF. The #2 thing is, allow the atmosphere to let them be themselves.... JUST THEMSELVES

So, let's get a bit more specific. The main thing I'm going to say is, every new date doesn't mean that you have to keep everything NEW. In other words, just because you covered A, B, and C in date #1 doesn't mean A, B, and C are off-limits on date #2. In fact, if A, B, and C are where you have common ground, I would say A, B, and C should be what you cover again in Date #2!

Now, let's say D, E, and F are also areas you covered in Date #1 but are not common grounds between you two. That's okay too. One of the things I love when i'm meeting somebody new (dating, etc.) is hearing about the things they know about that I don't know. My curiosity peeks and I tend to ask about the D, E, and F's because I get to learn somethign new from somebody in the know ~ and it's great to learn new things and hear about experiences I've never experienced.

So I wouldn't worry about topics so much. If it's common ground (A, B, and C), then it's a cinch to talk about since you are intersted in those things too. If it's not common ground (D, E, and F) then it's easy to converse because you just ask them about it and let them tell you about it. You get to learn and they are the ones talking!

So in general... conversation is really about learning about the other person, or letting them tell you what they want to learn about you. Try to focus on asking questions and listening rather than talking. And the best way to get them to talk is to ahve them talk about themselves, their thoughts, etc. Then as you are listening, someting might come up that is common ground for you, or is somethign that intrigues you that you can then ask more questions.

EX. An ex- of mine was a licensed massage therapist. I found that quite intriguing. So I asked if she had to go to school, what was that like? Do they require certifications? What her plans were? Any intersting stories? How I'd always been nervous about getting a massage b/c it might be embarrassing if it "feels too good" lol. She laughed and said, "it's normal.. don't be embarrassed. it's supposed to feel good and increase blood flow, and a very natural physiological reaction to increased blood flow is......." well u get the picture. So not only did it break the ice, I learned somethign I would have never learned otherwise ~ AND.. I found out I dont' have to be worried about getting a professional massage anymore

Richey
 
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shiki is offline shiki Post #3  December 18,2009, 1:03pm
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I don't know if you already have the second date planned, but why not an activity date such as bowling, pool, or something that you can still have conversations, but you would not be just sitting at a table across from each other figuring out what to talk about.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  December 18,2009, 1:15pm

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Unless your date is also quiet, she will most likely be able to keep the conversational ball rolling.

We women are frequently trained (in secret schools held when the boys are asleep) in conversational topics. We know to ask about your week, your work, your taste in music, your sports, your car etc etc.

It's truly magic when a couple who meets for the first time can talk for hours, but it isn't exactly the most common thing that happens-in my experience at least.

As an aside, feel free asking her about HER week at work, school or whatever she does, her hobbies, her pets, her car and if she likes sports (many women do).

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 months and didn't find our until our 6th or 7th date that we were both Tour de France fanatics. It's happy discoveries like that that keep me interested in him (and I assume vice versa).

And as Richie said in his excellent 5 star post Relax dude!
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #5  December 18,2009, 1:25pm
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Timmer2 wrote :
I've been reading a lot of dating advice threads on how to date quiet types and unfortunately not all of it is helpful. If your going to give advice I appreciate it but please keep it constructive and don't tell me I should just give up.
You absolutely should NOT give up! Even if this match doesn't work out in the long run, it sounds like just the experience of the date will help you out.

I agree with the people who posted before me. Relax! Consider an activity date--I love the idea because if you sit across from each other in a restaurant, you can get an interview kind of feel if you start asking questions back and forth. Take the pressure off by putting your focus onto an activity instead.

Calm down about the conversations too. It is so difficult to imagine how a conversation will go because you have no idea what the other person will say, what thoughts she might cue, what questions she might ask. If you have a moment or two of silence, don't worry about it!

If you want to have a few questions in advance, that might help you to feel like reassured that you have something to fall back on, but I think it's a better idea to go with the flow. Keep those questions as a back-up as much as possible.

Good luck! I think that if the conversation went well on the first date, that is a very good predictor of how things will go the next time.
 
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Atlguy38 is offline Atlguy38 Post #6  December 18,2009, 1:30pm
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Man, I understand this totally. I had a first date (and likely last) with a beautiful woman a couple nights ago. I was fortunate in that she's a talker. I wanted to go out with her again, but likely called her too soon (the next day) and left a message. No return phone call and no date likely. But back to you, you have to date a woman who likes to talk. If she likes to talk, have a few questions prepared and ask. Then just let her talk. She'll think you're fascinating, or so I've been told.

My ex-wife was a talker. Our first date was 12 hours, and it wasn't because I was talking. Now I have to start over and find a similar woman.

Also, pick up the book "How to make someone fall in love with you in 90 minutes or less" by Nicholas Boothman. Some good conversation tips in there.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  December 18,2009, 1:52pm
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Atlguy38 wrote :
Man, I understand this totally. I had a first date (and likely last) with a beautiful woman a couple nights ago. I was fortunate in that she's a talker. I wanted to go out with her again, but likely called her too soon (the next day) and left a message. No return phone call and no date likely.
Honestly, Atlguy, there really is no magical amount of time you are supposed to wait before calling. If she's interested, she will like that you called the next day and didn't leave her guessing for days whether you would call. If she's not interested, she won't. It's not that complicated.
 
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Atlguy38 is offline Atlguy38 Post #8  December 18,2009, 2:10pm
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Thanks for clearing that up, MelinCali. If most women think like this, then I'll be alright because I don't play games. But as for this woman, I'm thinking she's not interested, unfortunately.
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #9  December 18,2009, 5:04pm
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It sounds like you need to "BOTCH" a few dates so you can get your footing (I am speaking from my experience here!) The more women that "poof" on me after a first or second date the less I care and the less nervous I am!

When I first started dating I put way too much pressure on myself to make a perfect evening, never let there be a lag in the conversation and "swoop" a date off her feet. Needless to say most didn't go to well.

I still do this and I still get nervous 1st, 2nd 3rd date... what ever... but I am learning to relax.

Telling someone to relax won't make them relax no matter how friendly the advice is meant to be... putting in your time and taking your emotional beatings from women is the only way to gain your callousness... I mean confidence.
 
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fjp5 is offline fjp5 Post #10  December 18,2009, 6:47pm
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I recently had a second date with a girl that I really liked, we had an amazing first date and I was very nervous going into our second date. The ironic opart is I am by nature a very relaxed person so it was out of character for me to be nervous. The tough part is you think (like I did) that the first date was so amazing that you HAVE to live up to that or better ... we were meeting at a restaurant, I arrived 15 min early and that helped, I simply said to myself she is no better than me, she is on an online dating site like me so when she showed up a cool cool relaxing chill came over me and the rest of the night I fell into the zone. We had another good date... The lesson, no need to stress, the worst that can happen is she doesn't want a third date.
 
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