If you think he's the right guy, wait a long time


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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #11  December 16,2009, 3:21pm
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cp30 wrote :
And, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that it's 'manipulation' for a woman to do what is right for her heart and body.

She often has not the data to justify her feelings ... nothing wrong with that, as "feelings" aren't meant to be justified, but once she makes assumptions from the feelings and not the data, as she usually does, then her assumptions are wrong.

Considering only her "feelings" and disregarding her partners "feelings" is a problem.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #12  December 16,2009, 3:32pm
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Even I wouldn't wait one, let alone two, years into a relationship to sleep with a partner, for the reasons others have cited! (And this is a 44-year-old virgin talking...)
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #13  December 16,2009, 3:43pm

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borebore wrote :
...until you sleep with him.

snip

A year if you can. 2 years maybe? At least six to nine months.
snip

I didn't want to be *that* guy but I was.

Just trying to share some advice.
Hi borabora. welcome to the eHa groups and thanks for the....amazing....post.

I had to read it a couple of times because initially I thought you are a woman-I was astounded when I discovered you aren't.

I'm sure your philosophy and advice will find some support and agreement but personally I think it's so far off base that it's in a different game altogether.

Sex isn't everything in the world, but it's darn important to a healthy functional person who has good self esteem.

Tthese aren't the 1800's where virginal women were treasured for their aloofness. An experienced and mature woman, today, has a fairly good BS indicator that allows us to weed out some if not all of the players...and sadly the only way to develop this ability is to find out by trial and error. Thats life, sweetie..we all get burned, we get up again and go on, lesson learned.

I think it's important that I, as a woman who might be interested in a potential future with a man, find out if we are sexually compatible before getting significantly emotionally involved with him. It would be far more heartbreaking to fall deeply in love with someone with whom I was unable to find happiness in our sex life.

I don't want to sound crass, but I have no intention of devoting myself to a man whose idea of foreplay or lovemaking is anything less than ideal for me.

Suggesting I spend a year growing closer and closer to a man only to discover we aren't fun in the sack is just silly.

And, I have to say, I don't know many men who would go along with that either-unless they are hyper religious, which isn't my cup of tea anyhow so we wouldn't attract each other in the first place.
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #14  December 16,2009, 3:57pm
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While I do agree that if a women wants a serious relationship with a man, she needs to wait to get to know him before sex, I do not think that waiting one or two years is a cure all. I think when the "we are in a committed relationship" talk takes place, then it is ok to start the sexin. There are no guarantees that any relationship will last, so if a women were to feel used if a guy disappeared after having sex for the fist time, then she should not do it.
I think the fact that you lose interest after you have sex with a women, says more about you then her. To me it tells me that you think sex is dirty, and that any women who has sex with you is dirty and the sooner she has sex with you the worse she is. If you really view women as people and not sex objects then the "when we have sex" issue would not be such a big deal. It seems as if you play the game with the women until she sleeps with you, and when she does, you are disappointed that she fell for your trickery. If you don't want to be that guy...don't. Start seeing women as individuals, with feelings, needs, hopes, dreams, thoughts, so on and so forth. After you get to know her on a relationship level you will not judge her that she had sex with you. If you feel that a women is dirty for having had sex with you, then you really need to re-evaluate your thoughts on male/female relationships and why you think sex is dirty. If you lose interest in a women, then it tells me that you really were never interested in her in the first place.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #15  December 16,2009, 4:01pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
I think it's important that I, as a woman who might be interested in a potential future with a man, find out if we are sexually compatible before getting significantly emotionally involved with him. It would be far more heartbreaking to fall deeply in love with someone with whom I was unable to find happiness in our sex life.

I don't want to sound crass, but I have no intention of devoting myself to a man whose idea of foreplay or lovemaking is anything less than ideal for me.

Suggesting I spend a year growing closer and closer to a man only to discover we aren't fun in the sack is just silly.

And, I have to say, I don't know many men who would go along with that either-unless they are hyper religious, which isn't my cup of tea anyhow so we wouldn't attract each other in the first place.
I would close any match with this attitude about sexual morality.

And one need not be "hyper" religious to have this preference.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #16  December 16,2009, 4:02pm
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just to make it clear, OP, i am waiting until marriage to have sex. and i am not alone. well, on eharmony adviceing i am, but overall no. okay it is longer than the common culture.

i appreciate your honesty. i just wanted to say that because i know that you will be bashed probably incessantly for your position. thanks for having the guts to share it.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #17  December 16,2009, 4:16pm
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Nanette wrote :
op i am wondering what advice you would give to me when the guy starts getting all fussy about not having sex. because he will cry about it. i know the ones that dont like me will go away, but what about the ones that stick around and get all boo hoo over it?

Unless you like excessively-emotional men, I suggest you leave. I would never cry over something so trivial.

In my experience, women want to have sex, so I have never been faced with one who did not. My expectation is that I would say something like "I am used to having sex, so I have no reason not to for you."

In that case, if she stood her ground, I might or might not hang around (having never been tested on this matter), but would surely say "I will not consider any commitment at this time."

My experience with women is that I will win this fight. A consistant pattern of being honest goes a long way toward getting what I need.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #18  December 16,2009, 4:24pm
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D_Lion wrote :
While this seems to be something that some people might be tempted by, given that they have not the ability to make good choices, it:

- Places too much importance on sex than is there to be had, by assuming there is anything wrong with sex.

- That controlling behavior of this kind is effective at getting better partners, when the opposite is the truth: coming with this sort of attitude mainly signals to healthy people to look elsewhere.

There is not the certainty in life that you might wish, and this sort of mindset isn't going to change that.
Maybe it is because I don't drink beer, but I don't understand your post.

Even though I don't understand your post this may be the one to mention that it was a highly religious Catholic girl (eHarmony match) that brought up the third date rule.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #19  December 16,2009, 4:26pm
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Nanette wrote :
just to make it clear, OP, i am waiting until marriage to have sex. and i am not alone. well, on eharmony adviceing i am, but overall no. okay it is longer than the common culture.

i appreciate your honesty. i just wanted to say that because i know that you will be bashed probably incessantly for your position. thanks for having the guts to share it.
This is surprising to me having read numerous of your previous posts
 
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Photog is offline Photog Post #20  December 16,2009, 4:27pm
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:ops a bag of popcorn and sits back to watch the show (fat free popcorn, of course)::

Not the only one on EHA, Nanette.
 
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