Eharmony Guy vs. "IRL" Guy


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confusedjenn is offline confusedjenn Post #1  December 14,2009, 5:00pm
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Okay, so I'm a 25 y/o who decided to join Eharmony after yet another long-term relationship breakup. I've been in the habit of getting into long term relationships (2 years +) over and over and over (3 times, with another one just shy of a year) which don't work out in the end for various reasons... mostly my own oversight in what I'm needing in a relationship. I thought Eharmony might be able to help end this cycle of bad decisions.

...so now I'm in sort of a predicament. When I joined Eharmony I was casually dating this guy who I've known as an aquaintance for almost 6 years. At the time that I joined, I did not anticipate this relationship developing into anything beyond a few casual dates, but one date turned into another, into another... and before you know, we've been dating for 2 months. Lately, our conversations have gotten more intimant... ex's, what we're looking for in the long term, etc. I did have sex with this guy initially, but shortly after explained that I wasn't ready for this level of physical initamacy and he's been really understanding of that and doesn't seem to mind at all.

At the same time this is going on, I've been dating an Eharmony guy, we've been on about 5 or 6 dates at this point and have been communicating on Eharmony since mid-November. I really like this guy, but we haven't hit that point where we're comfortable enough to really open up to one another.

I'm starting to get the impression that "real life" guy is going to want to start addressing the exclusivity of the relationship soon... he is aware that I'm dating other people. Eharmony guy hasn't exactly inquired about the exclusivity of the relationship, but I'm causually mentioned doing things with real life guy... but no details.

The pro/con list looks like this:

Eharmony Guys Pros: Seems really supportive of my minor trails and tribulations, GREAT chemistry, conversation flows easily and he's very intellectually stimulating, lots of common interests.
Eharmony Guy Cons: I don't know him that well yet, he always seems to wear the same cargo pants (??), our dates while it is fun being with him... aren't exactly exciting, his house is not so clean.

Real Guys Pros: Great style, clean house, makes good money, also intellectually stimulating, lots of common interests, our dates are super exciting!! We get along really well.
Real Guys Cons: He mumbles when he speaks, and he drinks WAY more often than I like to, he doesn't want biological kids, he wants to adopt.

I'm tempted to break it off with Eharmony guy in order to get serious with "real" guy... but I'm terrified of chosing a guy myself... what if I end up breaking it off a few years down the road?

Do you think Eharmony's 29 dimensions of compatibility are worth trusting? Should I hold off a continue dating both of the causually, while beating back my growing feelings for real guy???

Please Help!
 
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richey is online now richey Post #2  December 15,2009, 12:26pm
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I just think you need to get to know both people more and see what develops. I woudlnt' start psyching yourself out too much with what the others might do ("i think he's going to suggest exclusivity to me soon").

Point is, you have to be comfy and feel ready to make any decisions with either ~ regardless of what they want. So you're job is to figure that out, and get to that point, so that you can make such a decision (for the good of all 3 of you).

Just one piece of advice for you ~ one question i had to learn to ask myself when i was dating new people was if I was just falling into the same pattern, being attracted to the same old things that was the reason my relationships kept failing. So that will be one question you will want to assess.

I was very determined to do it "differently" this time around and went against a lot of my instincts (not all, but quite a few), and in doing that, have actually ended up in a terrific relationship that I expect to go for a long time.

Just food for thought.

Good luck.
Richey
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #3  December 15,2009, 12:33pm

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The 'same cargo pants' would've been a total deal breaker for me (same goes for Cordoroy pants also).
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #4  December 15,2009, 12:40pm
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Well, I can't make the call for you, but looking and your pro and con lists, the pros seem relatively similar, whereas the cons for the "real life" guy (differences in alcohol consumption, desire to have biological kids vs adopt) seem like bigger red flags in terms of long term compatibility than those of eHarmony guy.

I'm not you though...so it'd depend on how much you weighted neatness, similarity of alcohol consumption, and a desire to have biological children in terms of relationship potential.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #5  December 15,2009, 12:41pm
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You cannot rely on any one system to choose a guy for you. Ultimately, the decision is yours.

You should be sure who you want before you break things off. No need to make a hasty decision. Think about what you will say if you fear one of them is going to press you on the issue before you've made up your mind. Something like, I think I need to be prudent might work.

In the meantime, make a list of the things you want in a long-term relationship and then start figuring out if either of these guys meets your needs. It's quite possible neither fits the bill.

Good luck.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #6  December 15,2009, 12:57pm
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confusedjenn wrote :
Okay, so I'm a 25 y/o who decided to join Eharmony after yet another long-term relationship breakup. I've been in the habit of getting into long term relationships (2 years +) over and over and over (3 times, with another one just shy of a year) which don't work out in the end for various reasons... mostly my own oversight in what I'm needing in a relationship. I thought Eharmony might be able to help end this cycle of bad decisions.

...so now I'm in sort of a predicament. When I joined Eharmony I was casually dating this guy who I've known as an aquaintance for almost 6 years. At the time that I joined, I did not anticipate this relationship developing into anything beyond a few casual dates, but one date turned into another, into another... and before you know, we've been dating for 2 months. Lately, our conversations have gotten more intimant... ex's, what we're looking for in the long term, etc. I did have sex with this guy initially, but shortly after explained that I wasn't ready for this level of physical initamacy and he's been really understanding of that and doesn't seem to mind at all.

At the same time this is going on, I've been dating an Eharmony guy, we've been on about 5 or 6 dates at this point and have been communicating on Eharmony since mid-November. I really like this guy, but we haven't hit that point where we're comfortable enough to really open up to one another.
I'm starting to get the impression that "real life" guy is going to want to start addressing the exclusivity of the relationship soon... he is aware that I'm dating other people. Eharmony guy hasn't exactly inquired about the exclusivity of the relationship, but I'm causually mentioned doing things with real life guy... but no details.

The pro/con list looks like this:

Eharmony Guys Pros: Seems really supportive of my minor trails and tribulations, GREAT chemistry, conversation flows easily and he's very intellectually stimulating, lots of common interests.
Eharmony Guy Cons: I don't know him that well yet, he always seems to wear the same cargo pants (??), our dates while it is fun being with him... aren't exactly exciting, his house is not so clean.

Real Guys Pros: Great style, clean house, makes good money, also intellectually stimulating, lots of common interests, our dates are super exciting!! We get along really well.
Real Guys Cons: He mumbles when he speaks, and he drinks WAY more often than I like to, he doesn't want biological kids, he wants to adopt.

I'm tempted to break it off with Eharmony guy in order to get serious with "real" guy... but I'm terrified of chosing a guy myself... what if I end up breaking it off a few years down the road?

Do you think Eharmony's 29 dimensions of compatibility are worth trusting? Should I hold off a continue dating both of the causually, while beating back my growing feelings for real guy???

Please Help!
I'm with Richey on this one and I would keep exploring both possibilities...it might be in the end that you decide neither as you really examine your wants/needs in a relationship and how these men fit into your life. You don't know EH guy long enough to make any significant decisions/commitment and the question I would have to ask myself is why would you keep a man as an acquaintance for 6 years? Why does he mumble...are you suspecting it is due to his drinking or a genetic condition? What are the reasons he gave for adoption instead of biological?

I'm a terribly inquisitive woman but it is for a good cause You are your own best advocate since you are the only one with the most inside information on...yourself Best of luck!
 
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Noelene23 is offline Noelene23 Post #7  December 15,2009, 1:04pm
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A thing about life is those exciting/terrifing I don't know. Some times you have to go with your heart.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #8  December 15,2009, 1:15pm

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Maybe its too soon for you to decide to be exclusive-so long as you really want to see both guys, your heart won't be totally into one of them if you pick.

Good for you, understanding about your past experiences and wanting to change what brought you to the mistakes you made with choices....so don't rush into this decision.

And try not to let yourself be pressured into an exclusive relationship before you are sure that it's what you're ready for.

After 3 long but lost relationships, caution should be your byword.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #9  December 15,2009, 1:18pm

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Don't forget......commitment BEFORE physical intimacy...your head will be clearer and you'll make better decision.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  December 15,2009, 1:33pm

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PY_2 wrote :
Don't forget......commitment BEFORE physical intimacy...your head will be clearer and you'll make better decision.
sometimes we're so freaking practical online aren't we...

IRL is much more difficult!~
 
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