New to this, and super confused


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ripcity is offline ripcity Post #1  December 3,2009, 4:33pm
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First post, just super confused about this whole dating thing. Got out of a long term relationship 4 months ago, started dating a month ago or so. Have quite honestly had quite a few eharm dates. All went very well. To the point that the majority of them led to "sleep overs" at the girls request. Pretty much PG sleepovers, well.... PG13, well .....just not sex. Heavy cuddling, kissing, you get the idea. I always respect not to take it to far, especially on the first date. I am very open and seem to get these women to open up completely to me as well, and really connect. I never date more than one girl at a time, as personally it just messes with my brain.

SO, one would assume after these sleepovers, and heavy makeouts, and kisses good bye in the morning, would mean the girls are interested? right? It appears not to be the case. I am one to put it out there, not the next day, but I will try to get the second date if I am into the girl, and have gotten it with everyone, which led to the exact same thing. Then, just POOF, gone. Am I taking it to quick? I would never if I did not feel the interest. I am successfull in my job, very good at reading people (I thought), and extremely honest. DO these girls not trust me? Every date has been extremely comfortable, easy conversation, and has always led to another venue after dinner (drinks out). Are they just getting buzzed and giving in when they know it is not there. It is just really weird to me. One minute seems like everything is heading in the right direction, the next, OUT!

If any women could offer some insight to what might be going on, would be greatly appreciated. It is obviously me, as the situation has repeated itself with all of them. I hate games, and do not want to play them. I am not asking these girls to move in with me, not even talking everyday(as I do have a busy schedule), just obviously am dropping the ball somewhere. I do question myself that I have been interested in all the girls (they are just all cute, cool, and fun). I guess I just do not know how to date, and probably just filling the void of the past relationship although it ended very amicabley, and we are still friends, truly. Help if you can.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  December 3,2009, 5:04pm
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ripcity wrote :
I am one to put it out there, not the next day, but I will try to get the second date if I am into the girl, and have gotten it with everyone, which led to the exact same thing. Then, just POOF, gone. Am I taking it to quick?
What do you mean by this? It sounds like you spend the night and then don't call them the next day and it is unclear to me how long you do wait.....and you do get a second date arranged and they blow you off? Or is it by the time you call them some time later, they are no longer interested.

Solving the problem to me seems as simple as calling them the next day and letting them know you are still interested. Otherwise, it looks like you might have been trying for sex immediately, didn't get it, so weren't interested enough to call right away.
 
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ripcity is offline ripcity Post #3  December 3,2009, 5:14pm
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I wasnt clear, sorry. Rambling a bit I suppose. No, always followed up next day or two, and got second date. Had what I thought were great second dates, pretty much right on with the first ones. Not trying to get sex, not opposed to it, but seriously not even trying for it on the sleepovers. Just kindacuddling and what not. I think it ultimately comes down to me moving to fast, and I have to slow down. Just not in my nature.
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #4  December 3,2009, 5:32pm
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ripcity wrote :
I wasnt clear, sorry. Rambling a bit I suppose. No, always followed up next day or two, and got second date. Had what I thought were great second dates, pretty much right on with the first ones. Not trying to get sex, not opposed to it, but seriously not even trying for it on the sleepovers. Just kindacuddling and what not. I think it ultimately comes down to me moving to fast, and I have to slow down. Just not in my nature.
Hello "Chuck"... welcome to the meat house! Been there... done that... was dumped by the same lady 5 times after 5 different nights of passion without going all the way. Just because they are women doesn't mean they are not interested in a quick physical relationship (hookup)... especially one that does not go "all the way". "Just broke up" oozes "Use Me!". Pretty much sucks whether your are a guy or a girl!

There are relationship worthy women out there...

Wash the steak sauce off of your face and try again.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  December 3,2009, 5:42pm
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Let me ask the question this way. Would you go out on the street corner, pick a girl and go start cuddling or whatever?

You don't know each other much better (if any better) when you meet an eHarmony match for a first date.

Are you understanding the concept here (if I spell it out in more detail I will get modded).
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #6  December 3,2009, 6:29pm
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If you've only been dating for about a month, and only date one woman at a time, that can't be too many eH dates--I'm not sure what you mean by quite a few. I'll assume 4 different women tops--is that about right? If so, maybe things aren't as bad as you think. Yes, all these matches have turned out this way, but it's a small sample size!

It sounds like you've just run into a problem of meeting a few women who did not connect with you enough to want to pursue a relationship with you. My guess is they got carried away with the excitement of the date (maybe you did too) and you took things way too far for a first or second date with someone who is really a total stranger. You would probably end up with the same net result if you hadn't gotten physical at all, but you wouldn't be wondering what went wrong after all the cuddling, etc.

I think you are definitely taking things too quickly, even though there seems to be interest reciprocated. Slow down and get to know each other a bit.

You are going for a few drinks, so perhaps you and your dates' judgment have been a bit impaired to the extent that you are ending up sleeping over on a first date. Personally, I think it's not a good idea to get buzzed on a first date--I think keeping a clear head is a better way to go (and I am not someone who is opposed to drinking--anyone on eHA who's met me will confirm it!)

I think you just haven't met someone who is right for you, but since you are new to this, there's still going to be a lot more dates ahead for you I hope, so lots of chances to find someone who is a fit for you.
Last edited by MelinCali; December 3,2009 at 6:31pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  December 3,2009, 6:36pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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If you're baffled by women being willing to spend the night with you on a first date....and then 'poofing' soon thereafter there could be a number of reasons for this. One is if they are 'opening up' extremely fast they might be unstable to begin with. Another possibility is that they were later embarrassed about something(s) they did and so decided to simply avoid you. I'm sure there are other possibilities as well.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #8  December 3,2009, 6:41pm
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MelinCali wrote :
If you've only been dating for about a month, and only date one woman at a time, that can't be too many eH dates--I'm not sure what you mean by quite a few. I'll assume 4 different women tops--is that about right? If so, maybe things aren't as bad as you think. Yes, all these matches have turned out this way, but it's a small sample size!

It sounds like you've just run into a problem of meeting a few women who did not connect with you enough to want to pursue a relationship with you. My guess is they got carried away with the excitement of the date (maybe you did too) and you took things way too far for a first or second date with someone who is really a total stranger. You would probably end up with the same net result if you hadn't gotten physical at all, but you wouldn't be wondering what went wrong after all the cuddling, etc.

I think you are definitely taking things too quickly, even though there seems to be interest reciprocated. Slow down and get to know each other a bit.

You are going for a few drinks, so perhaps you and your dates' judgment have been a bit impaired to the extent that you are ending up sleeping over on a first date. Personally, I think it's not a good idea to get buzzed on a first date--I think keeping a clear head is a better way to go (and I am not someone who is opposed to drinking--anyone on eHA who's met me will confirm it!)

I think you just haven't met someone who is right for you, but since you are new to this, there's still going to be a lot more dates ahead for you I hope, so lots of chances to find someone who is a fit for you.
I'll confirm it for you Mel and as always you have given great advice! ripcity if you are truly looking to meet someone special, you should take the time to get to know them personally before you know them intimately.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #9  December 3,2009, 6:58pm

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I am liking JayJay's post for this. In this situation, when you are meeting someone from eH (which is just a blind date set by a computer) and you end up with a sleepover on the first date...the balance of what seems appropriate to how much I know you seems a little off to me.

I may have been known to have a sleepover a time or two in my past...maybe, not confirming or denying...but from a blind date...Nah. You are still pretty much strangers - how do you go from strangers to sleepover? Something seems hinky to me.
Last edited by LizziePooh; December 3,2009 at 7:04pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  December 3,2009, 7:01pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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LizziePooh wrote :
I may have been known to have a sleepover a time or two in my pasts...maybe, not confirming or denying...
A lady doesn't need to tell.
 
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