Holding interest until you can meet


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Photog is offline Photog Post #1  December 1,2009, 7:24pm
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Hi, I'm "new" to the boards, but I've been lurking for a while. I'm gonna jump right in and ask for some opinions, but I'll give some minor background that might be relevant first.

I'm 31, and I've been out of the 'dating game' for, well, almost ten years. Personal issues to work out, blah blah, you've heard it all before. End of story is, I made peace with myself, decided it was time to start dating again, came to EHa.

So, I've communicated with a few matches, and recently have starting talking with one on the phone. This girl is really pretty incredible - smart, articulate, funny - I seriously dig her. Problem is, we live a state away, and with my busy work schedule in December and January, it'll probably be at least a few months before we can meet.

Here's my question. We've had some good conversations, but I'm not normally the kind of person who spends a lot of time on the phone. I want to meet her face to face, but I'm not ready for that, not with my schedule, plus... well, it sounds lame, but I've been working on getting back into my old college shape, and 3 more months or so should get me pretty close. Nothing like an attractive woman for motivation. :-) And I'll definitely be "dating up".

I'm just not sure how to keep up interest for that long without meeting face to face. I mean, I'm not going to pretend we have any kind of relationship at this point, which makes holding a lot of long conversations a little difficult. Have you guys managed these kind of long distance get-to-know-you's before? How did you handle it? I'm trying to manage my expectations and be practical about the whole thing, but I'm a little worried about ruining things before they even get started. Any thoughts?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  December 1,2009, 7:36pm
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I had one match go through about two months of GC, email and phone calls last year because of the holidays (me traveling back to Canada), then him getting the flu. That was with GC for a couple weeks, email for more than a month, then phone calls for a couple weeks, so there was pretty good momentum. It's not quite as long as your case, but I think it's possible (although in my case, I felt no chemistry when we met in person after all that time--very disappointing).

I'm not sure if this fits in with your plans for getting in "college shape" first, but you might want to consider moving things up to video calling like through Skype. I have been seeing someone long distance for 5 months now with frequent video communication (someone I met IRL first though) and it really does help to see each other. I would have found it much more difficult to continue communicating so long with someone and not seeing him.

Edit to add: Frequency of phone calls with my match was every other day and lasting an hour long--so it required lots of phone time and effort. Now I do daily calls with my guy (lots of time, but no effort ).
Last edited by MelinCali; December 1,2009 at 7:47pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  December 1,2009, 7:39pm
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To be bluntly honest :d

I wouldn't wait that long to meet anyone. A "state away" can be a great distance or not so much. Is there any way that you can manage it sooner?

Just speaking for myself it would be difficult to hold my interest that long unless I got to know you better. The way that I see it is that you gotta give somewhere and either get out there to see her or spend more time on the phone/chat. I wouldnt wait around for a guy on potential alone for long.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #4  December 1,2009, 7:41pm

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1. A few months before you meet? That's too long. You would've developed more virtual experience and fantasy rather than the real thing...but when things don't work, the hurt and disappointment will be real.

2.I'm not a phone person either...but that's a game ya gotta play sometimes. At the very least you'd want to chit chat a little bit rather than just meeting in person like that. I got my own paranoia the first time I'm on the phone with somebody (not in business setting though)...but ya just gotta bite the bullet and go through it. Many times she will be as nervous as you are.

3.Don't ever ever mention anything to her about you're dating 'up'..not only in words but also in action....yes, treat her nicely and respectfully..but think about that if she likes you...that mean you also have things to offer to her...

4. I don't know how far you are from each other, but I have driven up to 2 1/2 hours to meet a date (and flew coast to coast- which I will never ever do again though). Building up all this anticipation for too long is not good...the higher the expectation, the harder the fall.

My input....and that'll be $39.99 please (not that I don't trust you but cash only please )
 
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suzyque is offline suzyque Post #5  December 1,2009, 7:43pm
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I wouldn't wait personally. If she is on dating sites and is as incredible as you say, it may be she won't be available for you when you are in the shape you want. She may be snatched up already. She most likely won't stop searching just because you have a phone relationship. Seriously, speaking as a woman here...lots of us aren't turned off by a bit of a spare tire. (Can't speak for us all) No need to wait for 6 pack abs!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  December 1,2009, 7:59pm
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This is why I won't do LDR.
 
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Photog is offline Photog Post #7  December 1,2009, 8:19pm
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suzyque wrote :
I wouldn't wait personally. If she is on dating sites and is as incredible as you say, it may be she won't be available for you when you are in the shape you want. She may be snatched up already. She most likely won't stop searching just because you have a phone relationship. Seriously, speaking as a woman here...lots of us aren't turned off by a bit of a spare tire. (Can't speak for us all) No need to wait for 6 pack abs!
Heh - well, not hoping for a 6 pack, I'd settle for a smaller set of rims on the spare. Seriously, while I'm a pretty self-confident guy, especially in business situations, the weight loss thing is as much for my own confidence in dating as anything else. Well, in the end it's because I want to be healthy and live a long time, but looking better doesn't hurt either.

She lives about 6 hours away, which isn't actually that long for me, at least not for weekend drives. I commute an hour each way to work every day. Maybe I'll bite the bullet and arrange to meet sooner, although it'll still probably be at least January because of my work.

Yeah, I wouldn't mention "dating up" to anyone, and like I said - while I'm generally a pretty humble guy, I'm confident in what I have to offer. And while she's gorgeous, no doubt, that isn't what I really find most attractive about her. She's also brilliant. Hmm... now that I think about it, maybe I should call her now... other guys are figuring this out while I'm typing.

OK, one last comment-response. MelinCali, you mentioned talking about every other day - honestly, I was worried that calling her much more than once a week would wear out my welcome. Seriously - I'm completely green at this. I spent the last ten years convincing myself I didn't want to date, and before that I wouldn't have had any problems talking for hours on the phone with someone every night, but then I was very young and things tended to burn hot and burn out fast. That's not what I'm looking for now. But I don't want to indicate that I'm not interested by not communicating enough.

I'm probably overthinking this, which is always a problem for me.

I appreciate the comments.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  December 1,2009, 9:00pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Photog wrote :
I'm probably overthinking this, which is always a problem for me.
Maybe why you were 'out of the dating game' from age 21 to 31 to work out 'personal issues'?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  December 2,2009, 4:18am
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Dating is kind of a jump in at the deep end and start swimming kind of a game. Your biggest problem is that first X needs to happen, then Y, then soemthing else, then you will maul it all in your head for ages, in the meantime, life is passing you by. Ultimately, when you are doing all this, you are setting yourself up for massive disappointment.

The typical dating scenario is that you meet and there is no chemistry. It does not matter what shape you are in or how great you look or what else you have to offer. Whatever needs to click between the two people is just not there. You will go throught that a whole lot before you meet the right person, so you may as well start now.
 
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Cathy61 is offline Cathy61 Post #10  December 2,2009, 5:12am
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It is really too far away to be practical. Thirty miles is my outside limit. I want to be able to see someone whenever I feel like it. Get in your car and go visit before you invest anymore emotional time into this relationship.
 
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