writergal is offline writergal Post #1  November 26,2009, 2:39pm
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Last year at this time, I spent Thanksgiving with the last boyfriend I had with my family. After six weeks of dating he'd told me I was "the one" for him, who had only been divorced one year. And I believed him. We met online and things crashed and burned as quickly as they had initially progressed. He broke up with me when I asked him if he was interested in his female coworker, whom he'd told me his ex-wife thought he had a fling with. Then we dated on/off for a few months, and then he left town without even telling me. I only found out after I emailed him asking him to give "us" a second chance. He emailed me back to tell me he'd left town, because that woman he worked with, also left town...so he followed her and now they work/live together.

So today I've been really out of sorts. It's been six months since I heard from my ex, and I joined eH hoping to meet someone. But so far, no luck whatsoever.

I'm really depressed. What is wrong with me?! I'm nearly 40, almost finished with my grad school program, and think I'm a pretty good catch, but no man will date me. So the problem has to be me, right?!

I mean, what more can I do? I belong to a church, and several social organizations. Unfortunately, there havent been any new dating opportunities since those two guys I posted about in the dating forum here since my ex, who didn't work out.

I've reached burnout with online dating right now because of the last two bad experiences of rejection. Plus, I don't know what more I can do to change myself so that men will actually be attracted to me. I could lose about 15 pounds, sure. And I could stand to be more socially active, but I'm unemployed and my funds are really limited as it is, so I can join people out on the town as often I as could before I lost my job.

I'm at my wit's end. Today was just intolerable for me - seeing my siblings with their husbands and wives and children, just reminders that I am nearly 40 and still single, with no control over my love life. Even when I joined eH and other online dating services, I still haven't had any luck. So I don't know what else I can do. Sorry for the long vent! I'm just so fed up with being single and lonely when everyone around me seems to be happy in a relationship.
Last edited by writergal; November 26,2009 at 2:42pm.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #2  November 26,2009, 2:50pm
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Awww girl!! It is never late.. BIG HUG to you. It really sounds like you need a break. Take one, it will do you good, do something outside your comfort zone, find a job and when you are happier start looking again. Trust me, your whole outlook changes and people can see it from afar... first be happy then look for somebody to share that with NEVER look for happiness in other people.
Be thankful for your family and friends, they are a great support network.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #3  November 26,2009, 3:02pm
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Thanks, but I'm not looking for outside validation or happiness in other people. I said I think I am a good catch. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, and I like who I am as a person. But I'm really depressed and fed up with the lack of romance in my life. I'm just sick of being single. It seems no matter what I do, I just can't meet the right guy.

The thing that gets me is that a good friend of mine met her current boyfriend on eH. And HE was unemployed (a divorced father of 2) when they met, but that didn't deter her from dating him. So my unemployment and grad school status should not be a negative to men, in my opinion. But so far, it seems to be the two major strikes against me. That, and I'm about 15 pounds overweight.

But no, my coupled friends and my siblings are not the best support network. They just don't understand what it means to be single since they're all married with children. So they don't sympathize with me that much, or even acknowledge how difficult it is to date when you're nearly 40. In fact, today none of my siblings said anything supportive to me about last year's Thanksgiving, so I kept my sadness to myself and tried to enjoy the holiday meal and time with my family instead. But no, married people are not the best sympathizers for single people, unfortunately.

And why should getting a job make me a better catch? I mean, my girlfriend's current boyfriend was unemployed for the first 2 months of their relationship. He has a job now but she said that didn't change how she felt about him. If I "wait" until all my ducks are in a row, I could be waiting forever for "the right guy." I deserve to find someone who accepts "me" for who I am right now. Otherwise, by suggesting i wait to be employed before I start looking for a guy to date again, is the same as saying I'm not good enough as I am right now to be dating.
Last edited by writergal; November 26,2009 at 3:06pm.
 
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olrowe is offline olrowe Post #4  November 26,2009, 3:08pm
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I know the feeling . . . honestly I do. You probably wont feel better know that I am 43 and I am still not married, not even properly dating. Thank God I have never wanted children, so that is not an issue but tt gets lonely and depressing and holidays make it worst. As a rule, I stay home alone on holidays. I just ignore them and pretend they are not there.

I too dont have much desire for on line dating as I have been on and off for more than 10 years. I work with seniors and so I fear growing old and alone, knowing that retirement is closer than my youth.

I can only hope and believe that where there's life, there is hope. Lets keep the faith.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #5  November 26,2009, 3:09pm
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Step away from the ledge WriterGirl. There are legions of people in your (our) situation...it's OK. It sucks to be the odd man out at gatherings, but please remember that relationships are usually not as they appear to one outside the relationship. Even close friends and family members resist sharing their drum und strang because they feel it will reflect badly upon them and then they can't maintain appearances. Was there honestly one person there you would change places with if you could?

You mentioned the desire to control your love life. It's nearly impossible to control the actions of another; the only person you can control is yourself, and the reaction to men who enter your life. I've read your other threads...one guy possibly married and the other not interested. Both situations are bummers but not really a biggie considering both were virtual strangers. However...(and you did ask if it was YOU) you lost control of your reactions when you emotionally invested to soon with both, creating a fantasy situation. As a writer, I'm sure you have an active imagination which fuels the tendency to flesh out a story from the barest of elements, namely the characters of you and the guy and a setting...but doing so is not in your best interests and in fact is setting you up for disappointment.

Though the wheel is slooowly turning, we live in a society that still validates a woman through her ability to score and retain a love relationship, be it healthy, or dysfunctional, one sided, emotionally bereft, codependent, user based, etc. You have to develop a core of self appreciation and love in order to validate YOURSELF, because if you don't, you'll be vulnerable to any skink that comes along.

Love yourself.

EDIT: The fact that your friend supported her new guy through his unemployment phase is reflective of what I've seen going on around me for years. I've found that women (especially upwards of 35) are much more willing to work with someone who is down on his luck than vice versa if she has the goal of capitalizing on her fertility and marrying. Men of your age are often looking for someone to help them meet their financial goals, hence the disparity. If the men don't already have children, the women they seek to bear their children are much younger, unless of course the women have a decent income or status.

If fertility is not eminent, then the standard rules of everyone bringing something to the table tends to apply.
Last edited by flowerchild66; November 26,2009 at 3:24pm. Reason: responding to new post from OP
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #6  November 26,2009, 3:26pm
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Well I guess if misery loves company, I am right there with you! It's ok right? I am sure there is someone who will meet you and think he is the luckiest man in the world. You just have to be patient and take it one day at a time.

None of it is easy, my friends that are married are miserable a lot, my friends that are single are miserable sometimes too...the grass is not greener, it just has different ups and downs.

Hold on and think strong ok? Happy Thanksgiving! Take a nice bath, watch a chick flick, enjoy being single. One day you will miss these times.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  November 26,2009, 3:52pm
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I dated students and unemployed women, with two caveats: no subsidy for that reason, and no commitment until resolved. Since I am not very motivated toward commitment anyway, it was no big deal.

“Woe is me” attitude is a big turn-off. I know this is hard to fix, but it’s important to be a fun, energizing person – particularly if you’re stuck dating for the moment, which unemployed will often mean you’ll have to.

I know this is an attitude that doesn’t interest everybody, but accepting that relationships are temporary pleasures enables one to select people to see with much less weight placed on the decision. This is “friend with benefit” for me, but the “platonic dates” ought to have a market too: if you can’t find a committed, romantic partner, either of the foregoing are options for having a dating partner / companion.
 
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Lurchspoon is offline Lurchspoon Post #8  November 26,2009, 4:13pm
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I have one question for Writergal, Do you ever initiate communication on Eharmony?

I have been in your emotional state/condition off and on over the years. Every other thanksgiving and/or Christmas I am sitting at home alone, wondering the same thing you are.

One thing that you have to do is get your mind off of your present situation. Men have a "radar" that they pick up on things. From your posts, I surmise that you sound a little bit "desperate" to me. It will scare guys off. If you get your mind off your current place in life, you will seem more aloof and[ don't ask me why] more attractive. Do something that you enjoy doing! Not something "that will make you more attractive" to the opposite sex, but that takes your mind elsewhere.

Hate to use old cliches but, When you least expect it, It will come to you.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  November 26,2009, 5:00pm
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Okay, heres my advice:

Don't initiate with guys
Dont email them dont act too interested
Never ever get too attached to a rebound guy!
Don't listen to what guys say watch what they do.
When things move too quickly its up to you to slow it down. Guys will do this kind of stuff when they are attracted to someone. Back off from it (very very very nicely, not like you are upset or annoyed with him)
Quit looking

I have so much more in my treasure trove of advice (ha ha!) but thats all for now.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  November 26,2009, 5:05pm
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She's trying to stop being single, not perpetuate it ...

You need to show reciprocal interest; you need to call or e-mail as he does, not too much more, or less. An unreturned message or sign of interest greenlights me to find other women.

Online you need to communicate first when you find a match you like - especially on searchable sites, like Match.

In person it is good to approach men from time to time.

I agree with not getting attached - don't get ahead of his interest, either.
 
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