Need some advice please...


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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #11  November 21,2009, 7:56am
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jens84 wrote :
I feel the same way that it is never too soon to talk about concerns but I guess I'm struggling over what to say. Do I beat around the bush and just ask hm to get together next weekend or do I come right out and say the whole 2 weekends with friend and kids seems far fetched etc?

What I think I would do, if I had a woman in the same situation, is tell her I need to start moving the meetings to weekends ... "I find that I am unable to build any momentum for you with only these short times together," or something to that effect. "I want to give this a chance to progress, but I do not see this happpening with your limited availibility."

I would not come with the accusation (unless you can make it funny), but I will put my expectations, strongly, on the table. One expectation I have is that I get an adequate, appropriate share of a partner's time, and a priority on time-use befitting a relationship (which is to say, after work, school, and financial matters, I put my partner first.)

***

As a different note, unless he has promised he is not seeing anyone, he is right to be dating multiple women until an agreement not to.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #12  November 21,2009, 8:08am
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After only three dates, you're not in an exclusive relationship, so what would be wrong with him seeing other people at this point? You should be seeing other people, too, as you surely can't know him well enough in this short a time to know if you should even want to be in an exclusive arrangement yet.

If dating others isn't possible, then set some priorities and have some important goals in your life to make progress on. Your time is valuable and shouldn't be spent wondering about a guy who may yet prove he isn't worth the aggravation.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #13  November 21,2009, 8:17am

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jens84 wrote :
Jo-I think it's strange too. I didn't last weekend...but 2 weekends in a row? I do agree I should talk to him but I just don't know what to say without sounding pathetic or accusatory.
I am usually direct. Like this is really strange explain. If you want to avoid direct say things like that is so nice of you to spend time with your friend's kids. Then maybe talk about a close friend of yours and mention that you never thought about spending time with their kids. Then add well if something happened to one of the parents...(giving a reason, an opening) then ask did something happen that he needs that role. The only problem I see is that he doesn't talk much so it may need a bit more yanking than this. Don't do this over the phone because body language may be the only clues to the truthfulness you will get.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #14  November 21,2009, 8:23am
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I see two things going on here that may or may not be related. There is a lot of information that you have not given.

What you call being elusive may be nothing more that his personality. He just may not be one to go into a lot of detail when there is no detail needed. On the other hand if he provides details to other questions that you ask but never provides details about what he is doing then that could be that he is being elusive or trying to hide something.

Now the no dates on the weekend is a bit of a red flag to me. Particularly given the excuses that he is giving. This is signaling to me that he may be married.
 
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jens84 is offline jens84 Post #15  November 21,2009, 9:16am
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Thank you all. This is some good advice and is helping to clarify things for me.

I think what this comes down to is that, yes he could be dating someone else which he does have a right to do, as do I. My struggle is less about whether he is seeing anyone and more about the elusive nature of convos and lack of weekend dates. So I think I will talk to him about it the next time we get together. But instead of getting into an accusing convo, I'll just suggest we get together the following weekend. If he again can't get together then I think it's okay for me to bring up some of my concerns. If nothing else, maybe we just aren't on the same page about dating and shouldn't continue seeing each other.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #16  November 21,2009, 9:50am
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jens84 wrote :
Thank you all. This is some good advice and is helping to clarify things for me.

I think what this comes down to is that, yes he could be dating someone else which he does have a right to do, as do I. My struggle is less about whether he is seeing anyone and more about the elusive nature of convos and lack of weekend dates. So I think I will talk to him about it the next time we get together. But instead of getting into an accusing convo, I'll just suggest we get together the following weekend. If he again can't get together then I think it's okay for me to bring up some of my concerns. If nothing else, maybe we just aren't on the same page about dating and shouldn't continue seeing each other.
I'd personally see it as quite nosy if some guy I only knew for three weeks insisted to know what I was doing on the weekends. You're crossing a boundary imo.
 
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jens84 is offline jens84 Post #17  November 21,2009, 10:08am
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Nightling-I'm not saying I have a right to know what he's doing on the weekend. I'm just saying I would like to spend time with him on the weekend as opposed to our weeknight dates thus far. We live far from one another and between work and the distance, seeing one another on the weekend would allow more time to get to know one another without the rush and pressure or "squeezing" each other in during the week.

For the first few dates, I think the week night was fine but being that we've both expressed interest in one another, I see the weekend date as a natural progression to allow more time together.

In addition, the elusiveness is also raising suspicion on my end. I don't feel I am being nosy as much as I feel I am looking out for my best interest.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #18  November 21,2009, 10:08am

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Hi Jen,

I think you are on the right track. I hope it works out for you.

Good luck!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #19  November 21,2009, 10:26am
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nightling wrote :
I'd personally see it as quite nosy if some guy I only knew for three weeks insisted to know what I was doing on the weekends. You're crossing a boundary imo.

I don't care one bit what a woman is doing when she is not with me - not at all (though it is customary for women to ask exactly that question.)

What I do care about is that she is choosing to do something other than be with me. Sometimes that has a good justification, sometimes not; sometimes the justification, or failure to provide one, is, in and of itself, reason not to place any more unreturned interest in her.

***

To the OP: I think you are right to push this issue more. I think the view of Nightling has in it a fear component, which a man will not have.

I find the odds are sufficient to justify your scrutiny of his claim.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #20  November 21,2009, 10:29am

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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I got throught the first two paragraphs thinking my god she is dating my son. Never can get a full sentence out of that boy. So that is kinda normal. I would like to think my oldest is normal, ya know?

The shopping with a friend's kids is just strange. I suppose there can be a good reason but I am just not seeing it.

I think it would be a good idea to talk about your concerns. They seem valid.
I think that you captured the essence of the posts!
"thinking my god she is dating my son. Never can get a full sentence out of that boy." The problem is that he is a boy and she looking for a responsive young man.

Harvey7.
 
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