Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Dating First-date jitters? Hoping for a second date? Moving on to a full blown relationship? Share your journey and advice here.

Reply
Page 1 of 14 1 2 3 11 Last »
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
my5cents my5cents is online now
my5cents's Avatar

Pacesetter

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 339

See profile

I have recently gone on a few dates with men that I have met online. During the first "meet and greet" I have gotten what I would deem inappropriate questions to ask when first meeting a person. Some of these questions have been: Do you have any debt? Do you have savings? When do you think you'll look for a job in a more stable industry? How many hours per week do you work?

While I've answered these questions honestly, it has made me wonder why they ask. I am by no means a gold digger, I have a career that I love, and while I'm not rolling in the dough I am able to afford some of the finer things in life -debt free. Are they afraid that I'll mooch off them, or are they just so stingy they don't even want to think of ever having to support a woman - the thought of "my money is my money and her money is her money?" I'm a fairly generous woman and I enjoy giving to those who I care about. If ever I was with a man who I cared about who needed to rely on me to support him, I'd be there. No questions. I also want a man who feels the same way, but it seems that with some men they may not feel the same way.

I feel that the first meet and greet should be more about how two people get along, if there is chemistry, and if the two people like each other's company. It could be me but it seems that in a way online dating gets to the nitty gritty in the profile, so the man in my case feels free to continue the check off list during the 1st date/meet n' greet.

The one date I had recently who I didn't meet online did not ask about my financial status. We covered jobs briefly, hobbies, travel, the great outdoors, and it was absolutely refreshing.

So a question to the men since I've noticed on some profiles on other sites that it's important that a woman makes a certain wage, etc.: Does it matter to you men what a woman does for her profession, that she make a certain amount, that she work a certain amount of hours per week, and that financially you'll never have to help her out?
- November 19th, 2009, 02:31 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#1   Reply With Quote
Laughingdaily Laughingdaily is offline
Laughingdaily's Avatar

Laughingdaily Ride along, and Remember to laugh every single day!!

Enthusiast

Join Date: Aug 2009

Posts: 616

See profile

To me it does not really matter what a womans job or career is, nor if she has a house, saving, big retirement fund or much else for that matter.

What matters is who she is as a person and how well we communicate. Respect and some good chemistry goes a lot further than any paycheck ever will. Just my humble opinion.
- November 19th, 2009, 03:13 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#2   Reply With Quote
notyet notyet is offline
notyet's Avatar

notyet *****

Virtuoso

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 3,834

See profile

it is unfortunate that you have gone out with a few men who seem to have no tact. i would certainly not be so blunt or up front.

but to your question- it is important to me that a lady be gainfully employed and be able to demonstrate independence.
- November 19th, 2009, 03:19 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#3   Reply With Quote
tbesq tbesq is offline
tbesq's Avatar

Volunteer Community Leader

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,405

See profile

So long as she makes an honest living and knows how to take care of herself, I don't care what her job is or how much she makes.
- November 19th, 2009, 03:20 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#4   Reply With Quote
bigfincat bigfincat is offline
bigfincat's Avatar

Virtuoso

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 3,147

See profile

Personally, I wouldn't answer those questions.

My family doesn't even know that information in much detail.

A virtual stranger certainly isn't going to know it.
- November 19th, 2009, 03:20 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#5   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

ami1uwant ami1uwant is online now
ami1uwant's Avatar

Enthusiast

Join Date: Feb 2008

Posts: 590

See profile

This goes both ways where both sexes will ask questions on financial situations because it is part of the relationship if it becomes something.

On the second or first date its not important to bring it up out of the blue but it can come up as part of the conversation. Each will ask about your job and if you said you were unemployed or worked in a low payoing job that may raise follow-up questions.

Personally it is an issue with who I date because of my experience with my ex-wife regarding her not working which caused a financial strain. I wasnt expecting her to make an exorbanent amopunt of money but at least earning some money and contributing her part. No her job wasnt for her personal savings.

I believe in total equity in a relationship.
I also would not at all be offended if she made more than me because of her career choice as opposed to mine.
- November 19th, 2009, 03:26 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#6   Reply With Quote
my5cents my5cents is online now
my5cents's Avatar

Pacesetter

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 339

See profile

bigfincat wrote :
Personally, I wouldn't answer those questions.

My family doesn't even know that information in much detail.

A virtual stranger certainly isn't going to know it.
On my last date I almost stopped the date and wanted to ask, "Why does it matter to you so much?" I did not because I didn't want to make the date more awkward. I guess I'm a little too nice and try to be really polite. Some of my friends ask why I don't ask these questions back to the men, and I can only say, "Because it's rude!"
- November 19th, 2009, 03:28 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#7   Reply With Quote
6dle899 6dle899 is online now
6dle899's Avatar

6dle899 If it were that easy, everyone would do it.

Virtuoso

Join Date: Apr 2008

Posts: 4,379

See profile

I go to Los Angeles all the time, and I have never seen such a plethora of hot looking beautiful women there, and so sexily dressed all the time, a lot of them trying like crazy to get into the entertainment business. As actresses, directors, screenwriters, publicists, post-production, music, you name it -- whatever.....

But they are mostly all screwed up, drugs, alcohol, lotsa divorces, walking petri dishes of STD's --- whatever.

Guess what:

MEN screwed most of them up.


I'll take a pass on all that. It is a real scene!!


Even though they mostly drive newish Mercedes Benzes. A "Beverly Hills Volkswagen" is what they are called, around the West side, and it means nothing about good taste.

It's all too surreal: "just another day, in Hollywood; just another night, up in the Canyon..." (Laurel Canyon presumably...) "Counting Crows" nailed it, well.


Maybe I'd be better off in Kansas. I dunno...
- November 19th, 2009, 03:29 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#8   Reply With Quote
D_Lion D_Lion is offline
D_Lion's Avatar

D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Join Date: Aug 2008

Posts: 14,302

See profile

Financial situation and choices are some of the best criteria to use in selecting a partner; they are some the most important to survival of a relationship. Probably you are comfortable disclosing your religion, status of children, etc, on your profile. Money goes right to the heart of how we live, why we live as we do, what our “norm” for connectedness to society is, what our future may be expected to encompass. Also, it customarily defines our role in our relationships. These are very substantial matters, best evaluated as soon as possible.

These questions are especially appropriate if you not appear to have a clear job, are different from other people, or imprecise / vague in your answers to common questions. This could include driving a very nice or decrepit car, where you try to go on your dates, how you speak about your life (bemoaning costs, etc.)

***

I think these questions are right. While I get them very often from women, so long as she answers them in return, it does not bother me. I agree with screening partners before investing months / years, or potentially being emotionally attached to someone who is ultimately not a suitable partner.

Are they afraid that I'll mooch off them, or are they just so stingy they don't even want to think of ever having to support a woman - the thought of "my money is my money and her money is her money?"

I admit to this viewpoint in a general way: I might support a women if I thought it had a payoff (so she could get more education), or if I could without personal hardship AND her need for support was not deliberately to use me as an alternative to working.

My dating experience is that most women fell into one of two camps: those who wanted to be a wife / mother, and be supported (and seemed usually onboard with providing the domestic labor / nurturingassociated with that); or free-spending, non-committal young people, using men to get lavish lifestyles. So I am wary due to experience.

It could be me but it seems that in a way online dating gets to the nitty gritty in the profile, so the man in my case feels free to continue the check off list during the 1st date/meet n' greet.

I think this is also a right explanation.

So a question to the men since I've noticed on some profiles on other sites that it's important that a woman makes a certain wage, etc.: Does it matter to you men what a woman does for her profession, that she make a certain amount, that she work a certain amount of hours per week, and that financially you'll never have to help her out?

Yes. I value professional, interesting women very highly. I do expect her to generate an income sufficient to cover her personal consumption desires, to contribute to shared mutual costs (such as housing and savings), and to not expose me to downside should we separate. Note that only her personal consumption part of this is valued by her; the rest – the majority – is valued by me.

As I said before, while I may choose to help a woman (provided it is not a hardship for me), I will not agree to any women who have that as her goal going in (which is most of them.)

Keep in mind, that the political economy has changed: men’s wages have fallen in real terms, costs of living are such that two incomes are now required to replicate the lifestyle of prior generations; as one man, there is nothing I can do about these facts except choose my dating partners wisely.
Last edited by D_Lion; November 19th, 2009 at 04:42 pm.
- November 19th, 2009, 04:38 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#9   Reply With Quote
shoopthedoop shoopthedoop is offline
shoopthedoop's Avatar

shoopthedoop is happy with the way things are going!

Enthusiast

Join Date: Jul 2009

Posts: 812

See profile

my5cents wrote :
I feel that the first meet and greet should be more about how two people get along, if there is chemistry, and if the two people like each other's company. It could be me but it seems that in a way online dating gets to the nitty gritty in the profile, so the man in my case feels free to continue the check off list during the 1st date/meet n' greet.

The one date I had recently who I didn't meet online did not ask about my financial status. We covered jobs briefly, hobbies, travel, the great outdoors, and it was absolutely refreshing.

So a question to the men since I've noticed on some profiles on other sites that it's important that a woman makes a certain wage, etc.: Does it matter to you men what a woman does for her profession, that she make a certain amount, that she work a certain amount of hours per week, and that financially you'll never have to help her out?
I completely agree with your approach to the first meeting. Sadly, it's not just men who continue the check off list when meeting IRL.

I do consider what the woman does for a living as an element of compatibility in terms of ambition, commitment to work, intellectual curiosity, work schedule, etc.

For example, I work relatively regular hours and have found it difficult to be involved with someone who works shifts.

Income is not as important as financial responsibility. I went on a date with a woman who claimed to make $100K plus (no I didn't ask), who was clearly not financially responsible. Give me someone making half that who lives within their means anytime.
- November 19th, 2009, 04:43 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#10   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 1 of 14 1 2 3 11 Last »

Bookmarks

« always so paranoid | Array | Taking profile off is the same as just not logging on? »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I removed all of the personal back-and forths which diverting attention away from the OP's topic/questions. Assuming the thread can continue and stay on track, it can stay open. Thanks in ... ” – eHA_Admin_Lori

Join the “Getting Over My Girlfriend's Past Lovers?” discussion

“Also, remember that some people may not be able to access eHarmony (or similar sites) at work. And if you add in a full and busy life (working out, taking care of kids, spending time with friends, ... ” – jayhawkgirl

Join the “Ladies, do you decide in the first 30 seconds if you're interetsed? And, what are you looking for in a first impression?” discussion

“That statement wouldn't be a big deal to me either way. I think it was just an off the cuff humorous remark.” – newbie40something

Join the “That WAS a compliment... I think?!” discussion

“ Well, we tried....” – Well_Spoken_Man1

Join the “NOT Religious...... but SPIRITUAL ???” discussion

“He doesn't sound very attractive whatsoever as a mate. Not for me anyway.” – newbie40something

Join the “Doesn't want to work, doesn't want sex, drinks” discussion

“OP you only went on two dates with the guy. Do you think its possible that you are idealizing him? I see that you called him "the love of" your life in your profile. Maybe he sensed that you had ... ” – Nanette

Join the “Did I scare him away?” discussion

“ Just like the fox didn't really want the grapes. If the grapes don't come down off the vine and pop into his mouth on their own then they're just not worth having.” – hankscorpio

Join the “Who Makes The 1st Move” discussion

“Hey! Me too!! Yay POF ” – peg099

Join the “Monday, February 8th weekend and date roundup!” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:38 pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0