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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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my5cents wrote :
When a couple gets more cozy then I think finances can be brought up in a more tactful and understanding way.

"Cozy?" What does that mean? After you have fallen for him? Why take the risk to get dumped (or be forced to dump your partner) over a situation which could have been resolved in the first couple of meetings?


my5cents wrote :
I'm at the point where I feel like I should print out my credit report, my bank account statement, how my 401k plan is doing, or that I should just meet a guy and he bring a check off list that I should fill out.

This is what I am figuring in my head as we speak.


my5cents wrote :
I will ask next time, "Tell me your views on work and what a woman's role should be in a relationship?"

I think these are great points to explore! This is totally fair, and, again, huge importance to the success of a relationship.

It also sounds like a good line of questions to check that his money is where his mouth is.
- November 19th, 2009, 07:30 pm
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Michael1974 Michael1974 is offline
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No, it does not matter to me at all. I am looking for a wonderful woman to spend my life with. That is all. Money does not factor into my feelings for her.
- November 19th, 2009, 07:46 pm
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To be very blunt... On a first date if we aren't wondering about your financial situation and habits we are just sitting there wondering what it would be like to have sex with you.

If we are wondering about your financial situation and habits we are wondering what it would be like to have sex with you and only you for the rest of our lives.
- November 19th, 2009, 07:52 pm
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olneyjeeps olneyjeeps is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
Financial situation and choices are some of the best criteria to use in selecting a partner; they are some the most important to survival of a relationship. Probably you are comfortable disclosing your religion, status of children, etc, on your profile. Money goes right to the heart of how we live, why we live as we do, what our “norm” for connectedness to society is, what our future may be expected to encompass. Also, it customarily defines our role in our relationships. These are very substantial matters, best evaluated as soon as possible.

These questions are especially appropriate if you not appear to have a clear job, are different from other people, or imprecise / vague in your answers to common questions. This could include driving a very nice or decrepit car, where you try to go on your dates, how you speak about your life (bemoaning costs, etc.)

***

I think these questions are right. While I get them very often from women, so long as she answers them in return, it does not bother me. I agree with screening partners before investing months / years, or potentially being emotionally attached to someone who is ultimately not a suitable partner.

Are they afraid that I'll mooch off them, or are they just so stingy they don't even want to think of ever having to support a woman - the thought of "my money is my money and her money is her money?"

I admit to this viewpoint in a general way: I might support a women if I thought it had a payoff (so she could get more education), or if I could without personal hardship AND her need for support was not deliberately to use me as an alternative to working.

My dating experience is that most women fell into one of two camps: those who wanted to be a wife / mother, and be supported (and seemed usually onboard with providing the domestic labor / nurturingassociated with that); or free-spending, non-committal young people, using men to get lavish lifestyles. So I am wary due to experience.

It could be me but it seems that in a way online dating gets to the nitty gritty in the profile, so the man in my case feels free to continue the check off list during the 1st date/meet n' greet.

I think this is also a right explanation.

So a question to the men since I've noticed on some profiles on other sites that it's important that a woman makes a certain wage, etc.: Does it matter to you men what a woman does for her profession, that she make a certain amount, that she work a certain amount of hours per week, and that financially you'll never have to help her out?

Yes. I value professional, interesting women very highly. I do expect her to generate an income sufficient to cover her personal consumption desires, to contribute to shared mutual costs (such as housing and savings), and to not expose me to downside should we separate. Note that only her personal consumption part of this is valued by her; the rest – the majority – is valued by me.

As I said before, while I may choose to help a woman (provided it is not a hardship for me), I will not agree to any women who have that as her goal going in (which is most of them.)

Keep in mind, that the political economy has changed: men’s wages have fallen in real terms, costs of living are such that two incomes are now required to replicate the lifestyle of prior generations; as one man, there is nothing I can do about these facts except choose my dating partners wisely.
AGREE 100%

TiffanyDiamond wrote :
I totally agree. I wouldn't answer these questions and I certainly wouldn't even consider asking these questions of someone who is really a stranger.
And when do you find it appropriate to know if he has an STD?
IMHO If a person has nothing to hide, it should be no problem.
When a person feels uncomfortable about something, they are usually hiding something.

Is it important to me? HMMM Let's consider my ex: she moved into the house I bought (and had 70% paid off) , I paid for wedding (even my ring) , her student loans, her car loan, for her master's.Not that big of a deal. When staying at my parent's resort, she acted like Leona H. (diva b!tch from he!!). I was told she was not welcome to come back. At numerous coat and tie events, let's just say she was way out of her league. I did not think income/upbringing was that big of a deal. I will NEVER make that mistake again. Having "Pretty Woman" in their "favorite movie" list was one of my very few instant "close match" criteria. Why? Someone who idolizes the character Julia Roberts is wanting to live the life of a prostitute that succeeds by latching onto money.
Shelby wrote :
I've never had anyone ask detailed questions about how I handle my personal finances. But usually you can find out someone's financial philosophy and well-being - just let them talk.
Very Well put
Last edited by olneyjeeps; November 19th, 2009 at 10:18 pm.
- November 19th, 2009, 08:37 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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I ask these types of questions for a variety of reasons. First, I don't give a rodent's pattootie if he's rich. I'ts just important to me that he handles his money well. Having been deeply in love someon who had radically different than I ened the relationship. I miss him still. I want to know that he is self supporting. IF he has kids, I'b be curious to know how much his real-life income is being paid to suport his kids. Often times it's so high the guy can have very little social life. But that doesn't preclude dating by any means. Hiking, biking, long walks, watching sports, etc, are all pretty much free and a ton of fun.If he's just to to b*tch about his ex, then I'm out of there. I don't need anyone else's baggage mixed with mine. I want a relatively matched set.

When I tell people what I earn tehy're shocked I earn so little than they thought someone with my occupation would earn. A bunch of guys bolt at this stuation. Imake enough to live on and have enough to give away at the end of the month. I live very cheaply. Someone who wants to marry me for my cash will be in for HUGE surprise on our honeymoon. I guess then we can compare which is smaller, my bank acount or his Mr. Winkie.

I have heard from many men that their dates are always asking them if they own either homes, if they earn at least $150,000 a year. If we women are going to ask those questions, the very least we can expect is to have them asked to us, don't you think?
- November 19th, 2009, 09:03 pm
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mikeinor wrote :
To be very blunt... On a first date if we aren't wondering about your financial situation and habits we are just sitting there wondering what it would be like to have sex with you.

If we are wondering about your financial situation and habits we are wondering what it would be like to have sex with you and only you for the rest of our lives.

Very well said

: If other party has nothing to be ashamed of, what's the problem?

For the most part, I find that 2 classes of people don't care about financial status: those with crappy financial status, the very desperate (should I be donning my flame suit)
It should be said that financial status is different from situation
Even Trump had his "not so good" days
The key is inherit in the ability to live appropriately (financially and socially)
I may not be the happiest with my financial situation (don't even want to think what divorce cost), but I had absolutely no problem sharing it with Laura.
Secrets are for those who have something to hide.
Last edited by olneyjeeps; November 19th, 2009 at 10:17 pm.
- November 19th, 2009, 10:11 pm
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Shelby wrote :
Find out what their jobs are, how long they've been working in that career -- you can get a ballpark for their salary range. Ask them where they live, for how long, and what remodeling projects they've done (renters don't do big remodeling projects typically. Neighborhoods matter too.) Ask them about the stock market and how it's affected their retirement plan (oh they don't have any plan... hmmmm.) Talk about insurance and credit card companies and financial reforms and listen for responses about credit card interest, premium amounts and claims filed. Ask if they've been married before or have kids (... might have alimony and child support...)

The point is not to hit them point-blank with golddigger-type questions. But people do eventually open up about their finances, just like any thing else in their lives, if you spend enough time with them.
Those are very interesting questions. You are correct they are not point-blank golddigger questions. I'd classify them as 'sophisticated' golddigger questions.

Seriously those would be the type of questions I'd respect, because they show financial maturity and sophistication. They might set off some alarm bells for some guys, but I'd be ok with them.
- November 19th, 2009, 10:36 pm
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neardc neardc is offline
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Why even bother to wait until the first meeting/date? Wouldn't it be even more efficient to just ask all of these questions as screeners to help decide whether to meet at all? Heck; include them in your profile so your matches can spend some time in advance preparing their paperwork for inspection. Think of all the time and trouble that would save!

Seriously, it really does seem to me that you should expect to be able to get through a first cup of coffee or meal without being asked to disclose all of your personal financial information. There are many reasons for why someone might not want to discuss this with a veritable stranger other than having "something to hide." Frankly, I'd be more wary of someone who wanted to spew out every manner of private information about himself at a first meeting (or first few meetings) than I would of someone who has a zone of privacy on these issues.
- November 19th, 2009, 10:51 pm
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peg099 peg099 is offline
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neardc wrote :
There are many reasons for why someone might not want to discuss this with a veritable stranger other than having "something to hide." Frankly, I'd be more wary of someone who wanted to spew out every manner of private information about himself at a first meeting (or first few meetings) than I would of someone who has a zone of privacy on these issues.
Exactly! The latter would signal very poor boundaries, which can create an illusion of closeness at first, but ultimately is very damaging to relationships.
- November 19th, 2009, 11:02 pm
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Shelby Shelby is offline
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shoopthedoop wrote :
Those are very interesting questions. You are correct they are not point-blank golddigger questions. I'd classify them as 'sophisticated' golddigger questions.

Seriously those would be the type of questions I'd respect, because they show financial maturity and sophistication. They might set off some alarm bells for some guys, but I'd be ok with them.
So you agree that sophisticated snooping is okay? It's not all about digging for gold.

I had an EH match whose profile stated he left the Armed Forces after 19 years. A friend of mine observed that this guy must have left before he could get pension benefits at 20 years of service. So I asked this EH match why he didn't hang on for one more year. Turns out he was charged with unprofessional behavior with some co-workers in his office, serious enough that he had to resign (or was dishonorably discharged, it wasn't really clear.) It's surprising what people tell you if you just ask.
- November 19th, 2009, 11:06 pm
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