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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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my5cents wrote :
On my last date I almost stopped the date and wanted to ask, "Why does it matter to you so much?" I did not because I didn't want to make the date more awkward. I guess I'm a little too nice and try to be really polite. Some of my friends ask why I don't ask these questions back to the men, and I can only say, "Because it's rude!"

I encourage you to be more confident in yourself and your values.

Keep in mind, that if he introduced a topic, it is his burden to deal with your reaction.

I would not mind hearing from a women "why does it matter?" That puts the task on me to have an intelligent answer.
- November 19th, 2009, 04:46 pm
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MikeIsPerpetuallySingle MikeIsPerpetuallySingle is offline
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I hate to play devil's advocate on this one, but I can actually understand to a certain extent why someone might ask those questions. Particularly in this economic environment, it's pretty important to be fiscally responsible. There are plenty of people who are credit card maxing spend hogs living beyond their means with no long term perspective. Asking about debt and savings might even be a way of gauging overall responsibility. Being responsible is a big one in my boat, although I think I'd be using different criteria and a lot more tact. Similarly with the question of hours, that might be a lot of things, such as whether or not you have the time to fit a relationship into your schedule or maybe it's about whether or not you can work more than 20 hours without falling to pieces.

The bit about changing jobs though, that sounds like a slam to me. I'm very proud of my work, even if it isn't the most business forward career, and if someone said that to me it'd be quite the dealbreaker, there's no way around that one.
- November 19th, 2009, 04:52 pm
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mikeinor mikeinor is offline
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I want a woman that wants to be with me not one that feels like she has to be with me because of financial reasons. I have already been through that and don't want to go there again. I also want a woman that has a similar outlook about finances... that is 1/4th of being compatible in a relationship.

Is it better to write off someone because your impression of them is financially irresponsible without asking them or just come right out and ask?

I have never come right out and asked... that is rude!... but I have let ones pass by that had no apparent viable means of support. (Welcome to the new world and pressures of feminism).

To me a personality type that is able to live within their means is much more important than how much they actually make. If we can both make it by on our own we should have a surplus if we are together someday.

For me I don't think it is about being stingy or greedy or gold digging I think it is about finding someone compatible. (But we all have an inflated view of ourselves).

What ever your particular financial habits are there are feminine financial vampires out there ready to leave a lifeless corpse and fly on to the next as soon as the current one is dry. Because there are some you have to always be cautious. (I am sure this works with the genders reversed too but I don't date those guys).

Read through the single mothers dating guide. Some of the views expressed on there are just down right scary.
Last edited by mikeinor; November 19th, 2009 at 05:16 pm.
- November 19th, 2009, 05:03 pm
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bigfincat wrote :
Personally, I wouldn't answer those questions.

My family doesn't even know that information in much detail.

A virtual stranger certainly isn't going to know it.
I totally agree. I wouldn't answer these questions and I certainly wouldn't even consider asking these questions of someone who is really a stranger.
- November 19th, 2009, 05:12 pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline
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This must be an online dating thing. I have never had a guy ask any of those questions. I don't think I would care if they did but they best disclose as well.
- November 19th, 2009, 05:13 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
This must be an online dating thing. I have never had a guy ask any of those questions. I don't think I would care if they did but they best disclose as well.

When it is clear from a woman's manner of communication and availibility, that is often enough that asking is pointless.
- November 19th, 2009, 05:32 pm
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I've never had anyone ask detailed questions about how I handle my personal finances. But usually you can find out someone's financial philosophy and well-being - just let them talk.

Find out what their jobs are, how long they've been working in that career -- you can get a ballpark for their salary range. Ask them where they live, for how long, and what remodeling projects they've done (renters don't do big remodeling projects typically. Neighborhoods matter too.) Ask them about the stock market and how it's affected their retirement plan (oh they don't have any plan... hmmmm.) Talk about insurance and credit card companies and financial reforms and listen for responses about credit card interest, premium amounts and claims filed. Ask if they've been married before or have kids (... might have alimony and child support...)

The point is not to hit them point-blank with golddigger-type questions. But people do eventually open up about their finances, just like any thing else in their lives, if you spend enough time with them.

One of my EH matches (a doctor) got into a phone conversation with his CPA while I was with him, and I found out his salary and days worked. I didn't even ask for that info (which was not enough $$ to overcome the other glaring red flags he had...)
- November 19th, 2009, 05:40 pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
When it is clear from a woman's manner of communication and availibility, that is often enough that asking is pointless.
I was wondering if that may be the case. I tend not to be concerned with the men I have dated for that reason. Funny thing the one guy I had concerns with spilled it all including that he was upside down on his mortgage and was considering walking away. I barely made it through one date.
- November 19th, 2009, 05:44 pm
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Lilycat Lilycat is offline
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I don't care for being slammed with the financial inquisition on a first or second date. That is noone's business but mine, and makes him look like a golddigger to me lol

Seriously, I believe the first few dates are just to get to know each other a bit, try to see who you are as people, and if you can see getting along well enough to have a third.......

You have time enough to find out the important stuff long before you walk down the aisle lol, it all comes out over time.

I do have an aversion to the job interview style of dating and would prefer to get to know a person over time, and that's a part of getting to know someone better. After you have both decided you want to.

JMHO

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- November 19th, 2009, 05:50 pm
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my5cents my5cents is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
I encourage you to be more confident in yourself and your values.

Keep in mind, that if he introduced a topic, it is his burden to deal with your reaction.

I would not mind hearing from a women "why does it matter?" That puts the task on me to have an intelligent answer.
Thank you. Actually after three 1st dates where the men have asked me financial questions (prior to this none of my dates really did - perhaps it's a sign of the economy), I have decided to pull a time out should I get a question about finances. I will ask, "Why, does it matter to you a lot?" Then we shall see what he will have to say.
I still think that although finances are important (it's listed as one of my must haves on eH that my partner must be financially responsible), this should not be a topic of discussion within the first meeting. I think if dates go well, eventually each person can see how the other spends his/her money through observation. When a couple gets more cozy then I think finances can be brought up in a more tactful and understanding way.
I'm at the point where I feel like I should print out my credit report, my bank account statement, how my 401k plan is doing, or that I should just meet a guy and he bring a check off list that I should fill out. Unfortunately the more dates I go on that ask this the more defensive I'm getting about it being brought up. So I will ask next time, "Tell me your views on work and what a woman's role should be in a relationship?"
- November 19th, 2009, 07:11 pm
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