Another question which piggybacks off of Ethics in Dating Multiple People


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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #1  November 19,2009, 12:16pm
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I've been following the responses to the other post about the ethics in dating multiple people and it brought me to a similar question. Whether people date more than one person at a time or not, most responses have said dating multiple people is okay up until you either kiss passionately or have sex. But nobody actually addressed the length of time they will date multiple people at a time and wait to kiss passionately or sleep together.

Unless I've misunderstood other posts from various topics, it seems many people are kissing (at a minimum) within the first few dates. And I know having sex various for each person, it appears many are doing so within the first 2 months or so. And based on other posts and topics, many people say you should take your time to get to know someone and let the relationship unfold naturally so it's not too much too soon.

So are people jumping into exclusivity for the purpose of taking things to an intimate level? And assuming you are dating multiple people, and like at least one of these people maybe more, how long will you multi-date them until you decide to have the exclusivity talk with whichever one is standing out?
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #2  November 19,2009, 12:27pm
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IMHO, this is a question that is difficult, if not impossible to answer as you are dealing with human beings here, so it would depend on a lot of things.......

Any one else have thoughts on this?

Lilycat
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #3  November 19,2009, 12:56pm
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I agree...it is difficult. But it just seems there is a contradiction of thoughts and actions.

I know there is no right or wrong answer either. In general, the whole idea around multi-dating, exclusivity, kissing etc is just a confusing area...compounded by online dating and the ability to see more than one person at a time. So I'm interested in other's perspective around this.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #4  November 19,2009, 1:03pm
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Well I guess I will step into this one and see what happens.

Dating more than 1 person at a time can be a good thing to do in some cases. If you have 2 people who may be good prospects, but 1 seems to be hesitating to go beyond a certain level.

You have a really good level of communication or other things and yet there seems to be a feeling the other may want to "friend" you at some point, but you are not there yet.

Maybe you hit it off real good and too fast with 1 and then it sudenly cools down from either side pulling back, or having found a better 1 to chase.

Emotions in my opinion should be held in check in these early stages to keep from getting the cart way out in front of the horse.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #5  November 19,2009, 1:26pm
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at 47 years old with three teenagers at home, i do not know how i am supposed to meet and get to know people without going out with multiple people at a time.

but i have stressed to everyone i have gone out with so far- i am looking for a friend first. i am not in a hurry to commence a relationship. i have not kissed any of the ladies yet- not even a peck on the cheek (i know, weird and old fashioned. i don't care.)

going out for coffee once or twice or even for dinner does not make for an exclusive relationship. to me, an exclusive relationship starts with- "i love you and i'd like to go out with you alone." hopefully, the other party responds with something similar.

until either i say that or the other person initiates something similar, i will continue to date multiple people
 
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jsbach is offline jsbach Post #6  November 19,2009, 2:31pm
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Does dating someone who has multiple personalities classify as dating more than one person at a time?

Just wondering.... : )
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  November 19,2009, 3:39pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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"Kissing very passionately" is a very vague term. I wouldn't expect this to be any kind of a landmark for changes in a relationship to take place.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #8  November 19,2009, 4:02pm
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You cannot measure that in days weeks or months if that is what you are looking for.

I can only speak for myself, as a woman,(albeit a furry one lol) I will date multiple men at the same time, if there is more than one I am interested in. Having said that, these relationships are casual in nature, unless and until I have the talk with one person about being exclusive together, not stopping anything I am doing, thanks.

When reading some of these posts it is good to remember that for some people the passionate kiss is the same thing that first time sex is for others... we do not all think the same on this, nor should we.

Lilycat
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #9  November 19,2009, 4:42pm
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jayjay wrote :
"Kissing very passionately" is a very vague term. I wouldn't expect this to be any kind of a landmark for changes in a relationship to take place.
The vague term is taken from someone in the other posts which is why I was wondering if others felt this same way. I agree that I don't think it's a landmark for changes in a relationship but I guess this is different for everyone.

wrote :
You cannot measure that in days weeks or months if that is what you are looking for.

I can only speak for myself, as a woman,(albeit a furry one lol) I will date multiple men at the same time, if there is more than one I am interested in. Having said that, these relationships are casual in nature, unless and until I have the talk with one person about being exclusive together, not stopping anything I am doing, thanks.

When reading some of these posts it is good to remember that for some people the passionate kiss is the same thing that first time sex is for others... we do not all think the same on this, nor should we.

Lilycat
I guess that is what I'm looking for, not exact time frame but I guess a generalization. Maybe this is impossible to give. I guess for me, in order for me to continually go on dates with someone, I need to be very into this person. They need to not only have the qualities I am looking for but also give me the "butterfly" chemistry feeling. However, I've found that it takes time to really get to know someone's *real* self. In addition, it takes time to learn if this person is actually who they say they are and not a "bad" seed etc.

So I feel that if you mix any intimacy into the equation, it could make your thought process less clear about whether this person really is someone you want to keep seeing. And they say that for women specifically, there is a hormone released when they have sex that can cause them to have a false attachment to the person they slept with.

So based on all of this, regardless of how great I think things are going, how great the guy seems to be or how strong my feelings are, I always just remove the idea of sex from the equation until at least 3 months, whether we've had the exclusivity talk or not. And so far, my theory has proved me right, because most of the guys I've dated have definitely shown another side of them after about 2 months or so (unfortunately or else I wouldnt still be single).

Not sure if that helps clarify things but yes, I guess I am curious if others operate under any general timeframe, regardless of emotions/exclusivity etc.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #10  November 19,2009, 6:06pm
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Sawyer76 wrote :
...However, I've found that it takes time to really get to know someone's *real* self. In addition, it takes time to learn if this person is actually who they say they are and not a "bad" seed etc.

So I feel that if you mix any intimacy into the equation, it could make your thought process less clear about whether this person really is someone you want to keep seeing...
you've answered your own question- it is impossible to get to know someone in a short time span. so why only see one person at a time?

and old fashioned or not- sex/intimacy drastically changes the dynamics of a relationship. sex should be put off as long as possible- unless you are just looking for a FWB.
 
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