what would you do, part 2!


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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #1  November 19,2009, 9:18am
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I had my previous post about a girl i really hit it off with who went super flaky on me.

I wasn't going to contact her, but was given advice to have a "closure talk" with her. So I emailed a very clear message that I like her, but know that I can't force her to have feelings that she doesn't have. I told her I was looking for closure, so it'd be nice to talk to her. After some time, I got a response. We're going to meet up this weekend.

I want to get people's opinions about how they would go about this? I'm not particularly mad. A bit sad, but understandably. I'm not going to try to "get her back," because, well, we were only together for 3 weeks and I knew pretty early on we weren't going to last forever. My purpose for meeting up is what I told her: for closure. I also want to learn, if she's willing to give constructive criticism. And I understand that not every single person I date will become a friend (this would actually be the first, if it happened), but how would you suggest I convert this into a friendship?
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #2  November 19,2009, 10:15am
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OK...my instinct is that is and this is just me as a woman I don't know this woman.

If it were me, I will just say it that way so I don't generalize I would first of all be dreading the meeting. I had a guy ask me to tell him all the things I didn't like....in my head a lot came to mind but I told him bad timing...you know why? He just wasn't for me. I wasn't into him. It was nothing about him as who he was just who he was, was not for me.

So...why would you want feedback from someone who doesn't like you? There is someone who will. You should not have to change.

The fact it took awhile for her to reply...I just don't think you should count on this as a new friendship. Once someone has decided they are not into someone why take it any further if you were never friends?

Why do you need closure after only a few weeks. You can give yourself that right now...ok I met a girl, she wasn't into me, she may have not found me attractive and so on so on to the next.

You seem like a very nice guy, you don't seem needy but when someone for whatever reason does not like you, contacting and asking for closure comes off as very needy and I would not be surprised if she cancels or emails you before then.
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #3  November 19,2009, 10:36am
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I'm mainly doing this because I'm very new to dating. I've never had much success with the ladies, and I believe it's mostly because I have high anxiety. My one and only previous relationship didn't end well, so my already shot confidence got some dirt kicked on its face. I don't know where this lack of confidence comes from, I've been told I'm attractive and a good catch, but saying that just makes me sound like a jack@ss.

Up until now I've always lived by rules of unknown origin that guided how I behaved. Don't do _____ because it'll make her feel weird. Or if you do ______, you'll come off as needy/stupid/too aggressive/whatever. So I've been suppressing who I really am, to be this "perfect" person...when really it just made my personality boring and unknowable by anyone.

So basically this past year I've been trying to learn as much as I can. Learning how to break out of my old beliefs and fears. Make a few mistakes. I don't expect to become best friends with her, but it wouldn't hurt to at least attempt to expand my circle of friends. And I may (or may not) end up meeting a really good person through her.

And really this can't hurt me (unless she stabs me or something....). The relationship is already over. If we don't become friends then I have lost exactly zero. If I learn something, even one thing, then it's worth it.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  November 19,2009, 10:47am
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Have to agree with Indi. Looking back at the few times where I had a guy demand an explanation similar to what you are doing.....ugh...bleah..... It was absolutely dreadful and the only reason I even agreed is in hopes of finally getting rid of him and not because I had any plans on being friends with him. At that point you'll pretty much tell him anything at all just to make him shut up and get out of your hair. It's kind of like chinese torture but worse - you are smiling and trying your best to make it all nice and palatable and the whole time you wish the ground would open up and swallow you up.

I mean seriously, after three weeks you need that kind of closure? Let her go already. Better yet, let yourself go and move on. This is really becoming pathetic.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #5  November 19,2009, 10:53am
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Well I went back and read the old post and I don't think anyone said to contact this woman.

What you need to learn is some people are not going to like you. They will probably never tell you why.

You can say one sentence that is a deal breaker and have no idea...are you sure you are not in some way just trying to hold to this little connection you have left with her.

It is very awkward to have a heavy talk with someone you hardly know. I want you to step back and observe what you did.

A woman blew you off basically because she did not want to see you anymore (if she liked you, she would NOT be put off we love it when guys we like give us attention)

So...she doesn't like you (doesn't matter why) she could of hated your shirt, and another girl will like it so her feedback is completely mute.

So then you emailed this girl who doesn't like you to ask her to meet up with you and tell you why she doesn't like you.

Does this really sound like a good idea????? Really???

Those other posters were joking about a debriefing and I didn't see the part about you getting closure.

We gave you your answer already.

If a girl is hot and heavy into you and stops she either met someone she likes more or just decided she didn't like you.

I hope you get what you are looking for in your meeting but...we gave you your answer already. I think it is only going to make you feel worse
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  November 19,2009, 10:58am

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I'm with the others here...saying you need closure after 3 weeks is giving into your needy ego and also putting yourself at her mercy.
And in a really awkward place...if she says something hurtful, she may feel bad for being hurtful, and if she isn't honest what good is it.

Sometimes people flake on you-you don't know what else is going on in her life and she didn't want to share it.

IMO just say "Next" and get on with life without the drama and closure garbage.

BTW, and IMO "Closure" is a psychobabble word that usually doesn't mean anything in the long run....really hurtful things like the death of a spouse or child never have 'closure' and everything else is just the way life goes.

and I'm an optimist, really
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #7  November 19,2009, 11:03am
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i appreciate the "tough love" feedback. but like i said a little bit further up, i'm just learning. so i make a mistake or two. or twenty. i've been avoiding making mistakes my whole life, and it's got me here. so maybe i need to be a little stupid and pathetic and make some mistakes.

i'm okay with her not liking me. i know that people have their preferences. i've gone on dates with girls that i had zero feelings about and didn't call them back.

and i'm not going to take her word as some kind of gold standard. i saw how she treats her friends and family (makes plans but doesn't follow through. take 10 hours to reply to a text, etc...), and i knew pretty early on that how she treats her friends is how she'll treat me eventually. but like i said, if i do, on the off chance, learn something from this, it'll be worth it.

yeah, it'll probably hurt, but again, i've been avoiding getting hurt my entire life. i've already had my heart crushed once, from someone i loved and thought loved me back...and while i do feel hurt by the ending of this "relationship," it pales in comparison.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #8  November 19,2009, 11:11am
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I agree with all the advice you've received here so far. And like others, when I saw your new post, I thought to myself that I didn't recall anyone advising you to contact her again for closure at all. I think you read what you wanted to hear. But regardless, you've already contacted her.

I understand you are new to dating, but I wouldn't necessarily be asking this girl for closure or for constructive criticism. You can get this through a therapist which would be more beneficial and help you keep your dignity.

I can understand wanting to hear from the "horses mouth" what you did wrong, but a quick phone call with a brief explanation, if any, from this girl, should have been enough. I think it says a lot that she is willing to meet you though because I don't think I would unless either I was still interested or thought this was someone I could have a meaningful friendship with.

I wouldn't go into this meeting with a bunch of questions and the need to talk for an hour about it...that's just too much. You guys were only dating for 3 weeks, I've gotten less closure from guys I dated for years. You need to learn about dating and who you are/what you want, from yourself, not from looking for assistance from your dates. It doesn't show you in a good light to the daters IMHO.

I once went on a date with a guy that I didn't have any connection with. After the date he sent a text indicating his interest. I called him right away to say I didn't feel the same and apologized. He had me on the phone for like 45 mins explaining why I didn't like him, what he could do better and differently and started trying to "sell" himself to me. I felt like I should have charged him at the end of the call for the therapy I provided him. Even if I thought I might have been interested prior to that call, it would have all disappeared after that call because he came across desperate and so naive about dating. Save it for a therapist, these forums here or your friends.
 
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claire09 is offline claire09 Post #9  November 19,2009, 11:19am
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lostdude,

Something that you said sparked my attention,

"we were only together for 3 weeks and I knew pretty early on we weren't going to last forever".

How did you know this? Is it a vibe she gave off or that you guys didn't really have any real "chemistry". Perhaps she picked up on the fact that you had no real future plans for the two of you and decided to turn her attentions elsewhere.

It happens, sometimes men try to hide their feelings so immensely that it can come off as being aloof and uninterested. Not saying that is how you acted, but knowing that you weren't going to last long with a woman says a lot.

My question also is, if you knew it wouldn't last why are you so eager to find out what she thinks about you? Are you surprised that she was the dumper and not the dumpee this time as with the past dates you went on.

My advice is this, go on the "date" with this girl and be honest with her, don't make it all about you. Let her know that you liked her and that you are sorry things didn't work out.

I am not adverse to asking her what happened because there may have been something about you that she saw and got turned off. But when you find out don't be defensive, don't argue with her why you are not that, and just say thank you for being honest with me. Then, take that criticism and use it wisely.
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #10  November 19,2009, 11:32am
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i think i sent the wrong message by saying after advice, i contacted her. i mean advice from a person that i see in "real life". specifically, my therapist. i think she knows my personality, and knows this is probably what i need. that i need to make a mistake.

i definitely won't go into this expecting a 3 hour exit interview. i'm not planning for anything more than just 20 minutes. it'll just be a talk, not "omg why did you dump me wah wah wah." i'm not even sure what i'll ask or how i'll ask it, but whatever comes out, comes out.

How did you know this? Is it a vibe she gave off or that you guys didn't really have any real "chemistry". Perhaps she picked up on the fact that you had no real future plans for the two of you and decided to turn her attentions elsewhere.

it was a few things. one was vibe she gave off. she actually scared me in the beginning, because she was very aggressive with her affection. and then i noticed it stopped and u-turned on a dime. another is personality. she's very aggressive and opinionated, and just says what's on her mind (which is why i was surprised that she didn't just come right out and say "i'm not interested in you anymore" instead of half stringing me along a little bit). i am pretty much the opposite. and 3rd is religion. she's religious. i am not.

we never had the "relationship talk" where we find out what the other wants and such. so if i sent off the "this isn't a long term relationship" vibe, i was completely unaware of it.

i'm probably going to get pretty abused for this post, but flame away
Last edited by lostdude; November 19,2009 at 11:37am.
 
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