jayjay is offline jayjay Post #1  November 18,2009, 5:19pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I’ve done quite a bit of dating in the last 2 ½ years after my divorce. I’ve gone on a lot of 1st and 2nd dates and dated several women for a few months. Most of these relationships weren’t exclusive, but a couple of them were for at least a month or two and I quite liked these women, especially one of them. Never during my time dating any of these women did I have any feelings of insecurity or confusion.

However, I’ve been feeling quite insecure and confused in my present dating situation. I find myself frequently wondering if the woman I’m seeing is actually interested in me….despite the fact that she has always (so far) said she wants to see me the following weekend, will occasionally do things like put my arm around her etc. I do stupid things like start feeling she might no longer be interested in me when I don’t receive an email from her.

I’ve always thought of myself and felt myself to be a pretty secure person. I also would have thought that ‘once secure….always secure’….but I find myself in the unusual situation where I’m feeling this way. I wonder if part of the reason is because I’m genuinely interested in this woman…which is something quite rare for me, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.

Any thoughts on this matter? Have you ever felt insecure when beginning to date someone? Has this been something rare or common for you? This is such an unusual and unpleasant feeling for me…that I’m actually starting to wonder if it could be a sign that something isn’t right with this potential relationship.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #2  November 18,2009, 5:31pm

blames self-help books

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jayjay wrote :
I wonder if part of the reason is because I’m genuinely interested in this woman…which is something quite rare for me, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.
There you go. The guy I am dating is wonderful, okay amazing is a better word. For the most part I don't worry at all. Still there is this voice that says nothing works out, you are too happy, something has to happen. The good news is his voice ends it real quick.

Relax, everything is fine. She likes you, you like her, it will work out. Don't panic.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #3  November 18,2009, 5:34pm
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is happy with the way things are going!

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jayjay wrote :
I’ve always thought of myself and felt myself to be a pretty secure person. I also would have thought that ‘once secure….always secure’….but I find myself in the unusual situation where I’m feeling this way. I wonder if part of the reason is because I’m genuinely interested in this woman…which is something quite rare for me, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.

Any thoughts on this matter? Have you ever felt insecure when beginning to date someone? Has this been something rare or common for you? This is such an unusual and unpleasant feeling for me…that I’m actually starting to wonder if it could be a sign that something isn’t right with this potential relationship.
I think you hit the nail on the head. The only time I've really felt insecure was the only woman I ever truly felt I was close to falling in love with.

It might be a sign that something isn't right with the relationship. Are you comfortable enough with the woman to talk to her about how you are feeling? If you are then put the question out there? If you aren't, maybe that's another sign there is an issue with the relationship.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  November 18,2009, 5:36pm
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- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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Control yourself and don't do anything rash or foolish; don't scare her away.

Don't let yourself be played for a fool; remain objective.

You may care about your partner, but your partner must still care about you to make a relationship work. Thus, s/he must behave accordingly.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  November 18,2009, 5:40pm
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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My first thought, and it is just a first thought, not based on anything I know about you or this woman, having not been following your posts.....

Is it possible you're falling in love with her? Would you recognize it if you were?

You said you were divorced. Were you in love with your wife? Or did you just love her?

The reason I say that is when you're in love, you have alot to lose. Fear can make for some insecurity.

If I told you I wanted to see you next weekend, if I made sure you had your arm around me.....Well, I'd be trying to let you know, without actually coming out and saying so, that I'm happy to be with you. If that helps.

I'd be surprised to know you worried when I didn't eMail promptly. Just speaking as an outsider here, and don't intend to sound patronizing.

But I really don't think you should worry. Unless you're afraid of falling in love!

j8a
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  November 18,2009, 5:41pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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shoop...I know what you mean about talking with someone about how I feel. However, in this situation I'm tending to go with D_Lion. I'm definitely not on intimate terms with this woman yet...so I don't think it would be a good idea to talk about this with her. Also, there's a whole cultural difference aspect of this....and I have no idea how she would relate to or react to things such as this.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #7  November 18,2009, 5:45pm
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[QUOTE=jayjay;801649
I’ve always thought of myself and felt myself to be a pretty secure person. I also would have thought that ‘once secure….always secure’….but I find myself in the unusual situation where I’m feeling this way. I wonder if part of the reason is because I’m genuinely interested in this woman…which is something quite rare for me, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.

Any thoughts on this matter? Have you ever felt insecure when beginning to date someone? Has this been something rare or common for you? This is such an unusual and unpleasant feeling for me…that I’m actually starting to wonder if it could be a sign that something isn’t right with this potential relationship.[/QUOTE]

Interesting question!

Oddly enough the guys that I ended up in relationships with I never felt insecure about at the beginning of the dating process. There just seemed to be something going on between us from the time that we met that resulted in me trusting them and myself with them and insecurity just didn't enter into it. When things started to go wrong in the relationship or after a breakup is when my insecurities usually came into play.

I have never thought about it before but the guys I wasn't sure about or didn't have a good take on when we started to go out usually brought out my insecurities.

Maybe you feel a little insecure for several reasons. You say you are interested for someone for the first time in a while is one reason. But perhaps the whole "group" situation caused by the family situation being so unfamiliar probably throws you a little off balance (like interviewing in front of a committee instead of one interviewer) and also she seems a bit different than most ladies you meet.

Good luck!
Last edited by yoga_gal; November 18,2009 at 5:48pm. Reason: The quote thingy was doing something weird!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  November 18,2009, 5:46pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Can_I_just_be_Jo and j8a....it is nice to hear a couple positive comments. I just wish the way I felt would line up with these.

And yes, I was 'in love' with my ex....as well as with a couple other women during my life. I really don't think I'm afraid of falling in love....though I really don't know this woman well enough to be in love with her at the present. Just very affected emotionally with the situation.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  November 18,2009, 5:52pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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yoga_gal wrote :
Interesting question!

Oddly enough the guys that I ended up in relationships with I never felt insecure about at the beginning of the dating process. There just seemed to be something going on between us from the time that we met that resulted in me trusting them and myself with them and insecurity just didn't enter into it. When things started to go wrong in the relationship or after a breakup is when my insecurities usually came into play.

I have never thought about it before but the guys I wasn't sure about or didn't have a good take on when we started to go out usually brought out my insecurities.

Maybe you feel a little insecure for several reasons. You say you are interested for someone for the first time in a while is one reason. But perhaps the whole "group" situation caused by the family situation being so unfamiliar probably throws you a little off balance (like interviewing in front of a committee instead of one interviewer) and also she seems a bit different than most ladies you meet.

Good luck!
Yeah, I've generally felt that trust pretty quickly in past relationships. I don't feel insecure regarding the family themselves...if anything I'm less insecure about their positive feelings toward me than I am about hers. And yeah....the 'not being sure about and not having a good take on' her and the situation definitely plays into this. Also as we only see each other on weekends with no other communication during this time other than short emails.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #10  November 18,2009, 6:46pm
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I am in a year plus relationship. The man I am with has not given indication he will leave me but I still feel insecure. He speaks of the future, of "dying first" and all that...but still...I feel insecure. Not a lot but a little. Why? Because I know things happen. I just accept the feelings and they come and go. I suppose I won't feel totally secure until he marries me.

So for me, if I really care about the person, and feel I can't live without them, yes, I feel insecure. I don't want to go thru another break up ever.
 
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