Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Dating First-date jitters? Hoping for a second date? Moving on to a full blown relationship? Share your journey and advice here.

Reply
Page 3 of 14 1 2 3 4 5 13 Last »
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
nightling nightling is offline
nightling's Avatar

Veteran

Join Date: Sep 2009

Posts: 2,448

See profile

jayjay wrote :
That sounds pretty much on. Their whole perspective seems so different. Like as myself, her and 4 other members of her family were talking on my bad Sunday morning I commented that it's so unusual for me to go home with a date and stay at her family's house. The Aunt jokingly commented that I probably went home with just the woman....and my date laughed and chimed in 'yes, I think you went home with the woman'. They seem pretty naive as to the kinds of dating realities I'm used to.

Yes...the asking questions sounds good, and I'll try to do so when I realize something might not be clear. Mostly I think I'm just going to try to suck it up and be around without being needy. Wish me luck.
Absolutely wish you luck.

Just remember to hate the sound of your own voice and get her to do most of the talking if you can. That way you learn what not to do (or say) before you do (or say) it!
Last edited by nightling; November 18th, 2009 at 08:45 pm. Reason: I bet they don't agree with the three-date rule either huh? ; )
- November 18th, 2009, 08:43 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#21   Reply With Quote
jayjay jayjay is offline
jayjay's Avatar

jayjay ....is feeling optimistic.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,275

See profile

Lilycat wrote :
You are in an entirely different world than you are used to operating in - the cultural differences are major (yes, I recall reading other posts about her and the situation).

In this world, very little happens in the way you are used to - that might be contributing to your insecurity. But, again referring to my impression from other things you have written, it is a world where you appear to be starting to become comfortable.

You might be feeling insecure because she is not responding to you in the way you are used to so your usual indications of the level of interest, etc., are not there. You are stepping out of your comfort zone and know not quite what to expect here. Your usual benchmarks do not exist (we all have them)

All that being said, you sound like you are liking the whole experience IMHO. The traditional situation you have described, very family oriented, well, girls from families like that don't do casual dating, and they certainly do not spend excessive amounts of time alone with men they are not engaged or married to.......

She likes you or she would never have had you meet the family. That much I can say for certain.

Don't let the insecurities take hold, but if she is easing off on communication, well, there just might be a step you are supposed to be taking here.......
How traditional is her family, and do you have any reasonably close friends who intimately know the culture? If you do, talk to them about the situation and find out what you are supposed to be doing next, if anything, and what it means.

You need to learn a whole new set of norms here, but you know some people are worth it...... big time!

Lilycat
Thanks for the input. You're familiar with this type of culture? I do at least have the assistance of my friend who is married to her sister. The sisters talk....then talk to my friend...who talks to me. I've already learned some things, such as when on the first night we met and she asked me when I was coming back I told her I was busy the next weekend but wanted to come back 2 weeks later....and I found out she interpreted this to mean I wasn't interested. But, I managed to smooth that over via email.

What you wrote about her not responding with the usual indications of interest I'm used to is right on. From what my friend has told me I'm not missing any 'steps' here....that all I should be doing is just going over, hanging out or going out casually....probably for 4-6 weeks before things will seem to progress. Hopefully I won't screw things up before then either due to a misinterpretation or the way I'm feeling.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:44 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#22   Reply With Quote
jayjay jayjay is offline
jayjay's Avatar

jayjay ....is feeling optimistic.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,275

See profile

PY_2 wrote :
Drats JayJay...if you're insecure, who else can I look up to around here!

You're one of the pillars of ehA....don't ever forget that!!!
Ha. Don't put me on your pillar.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:47 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#23   Reply With Quote
PY_2 PY_2 is online now
PY_2's Avatar

PY_2 facebook suggested I reconnected with.....my long lost gf....*sigh*

Virtuoso

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 2,991

See profile

jayjay wrote :
Ha. Don't put me on your pillar.
No worries man, I don't swing that way!
- November 18th, 2009, 08:49 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#24   Reply With Quote
Lilycat Lilycat is offline
Lilycat's Avatar

Lilycat How's 2010 treating everyone so far?

Pacesetter

Join Date: Nov 2009

Posts: 301

See profile

Your friend is of the culture? Or he is an American also? Sounds like he has the general bits right. Talk to him to make sure you are on the right track, not her for now. At this point, you should not be asking her directly how to behave. Remember, your culture is as strange to her as hers is to you. If you end up getting into a close relationship with her, then you could start talking about this with her, until then accept the guidance of your friend.

You do not know where you want this to end up at this point, only that you like her and want to explore it. Check in with your friend so that you behave in the appropriate manner. You don't want to accidentally jump the gun and turn over the bride price either.

Lived with similar from time to time, keep your eyes open, listen and learn, you can figure out parts of you just watch, and when in doubt check with your friend....

It is just different, but you are different for her too. Don't forget that part...... it is a dance, she has a part, you have a part, yes there will be missteps, but it can really be worth it.

An old friend of mine married a lady from Mexico City, he went through this at the beginning, it was worth it in the end.

Have patience, no matter how it turns out it is worth pursuing. Oh, and if you can get a second opinion from another male who is familiar with the culture, well it does not hurt. Better someone who was raised in it - they know the nuances a touch better. Although the sister to sister connection there is a good one.

Good luck, and kudos to you for seeking outside your comfort zone....... sounds a lot harder when you try to explain than when you actually do it.

Lilycat
- November 18th, 2009, 09:04 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#25   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Mangosteen Mangosteen is offline
Mangosteen's Avatar

Mangosteen sleeeepy

Pacesetter

Join Date: Dec 2008

Posts: 377

See profile

Hi jayjay - I think she probably does like you and you should just go with the flow for now. It's cute to me that you are feeling insecure, but it probably wouldn't be the right thing to talk about it at this point, with her. I think maybe a little later when you're feeling more secure again you can have a good laugh over the beginning of the dating period

Seems like in the past when I've felt insecure, it has gone better to ignore the feeling if possible until I could really gauge if it was a rational feeling or not.
- November 18th, 2009, 09:55 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#26   Reply With Quote
newbie40something newbie40something is online now
newbie40something's Avatar

newbie40something Please...just call me MaryO

Pacesetter

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 402

See profile

I am so interested in your situation, jayjay. You sound very smitten with this young lady. I agree with many of the comments about consulting with your friend who is married to one of the sisters. Are the sisters alike? What happened during his "courting" period? What does he know about your girl? Her previous dating experience? The family? I think it is definitely a cultural difference. How can that not throw you for a loop? It's not something that you are familiar with. Like I said, it sounds like you are very smitten and I wish you luck. Hope you get to spend time with her alone soon.
- November 18th, 2009, 09:57 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#27   Reply With Quote
jayjay jayjay is offline
jayjay's Avatar

jayjay ....is feeling optimistic.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,275

See profile

Lilycat wrote :
Your friend is of the culture? Or he is an American also?
Yes...he's American. Been married to the sister for several years now and 1 child together. I was with him the first time I went over and met her family...then started going over by myself.
- November 18th, 2009, 09:59 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#28   Reply With Quote
VB_Girl VB_Girl is offline
VB_Girl's Avatar

VB_Girl is not looking forward to 12" of snow!

Power Poster

Join Date: Feb 2009

Posts: 5,099

See profile

jayjay wrote :
I’ve done quite a bit of dating in the last 2 ½ years after my divorce. I’ve gone on a lot of 1st and 2nd dates and dated several women for a few months. Most of these relationships weren’t exclusive, but a couple of them were for at least a month or two and I quite liked these women, especially one of them. Never during my time dating any of these women did I have any feelings of insecurity or confusion.

However, I’ve been feeling quite insecure and confused in my present dating situation. I find myself frequently wondering if the woman I’m seeing is actually interested in me….despite the fact that she has always (so far) said she wants to see me the following weekend, will occasionally do things like put my arm around her etc. I do stupid things like start feeling she might no longer be interested in me when I don’t receive an email from her.

I’ve always thought of myself and felt myself to be a pretty secure person. I also would have thought that ‘once secure….always secure’….but I find myself in the unusual situation where I’m feeling this way. I wonder if part of the reason is because I’m genuinely interested in this woman…which is something quite rare for me, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.

Any thoughts on this matter? Have you ever felt insecure when beginning to date someone? Has this been something rare or common for you? This is such an unusual and unpleasant feeling for me…that I’m actually starting to wonder if it could be a sign that something isn’t right with this potential relationship.
Sounds like you are getting in touch with your feminine side.

We have probably all felt insecure at one point or another. I feel most insecure when I'm dating a guy who I feel is extremely attractive. This is a double edge sword though.

Do you think your level of interest is increased because she's not so available?
- November 18th, 2009, 10:00 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#29   Reply With Quote
jayjay jayjay is offline
jayjay's Avatar

jayjay ....is feeling optimistic.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,275

See profile

newbie40something wrote :
I am so interested in your situation, jayjay. You sound very smitten with this young lady. I agree with many of the comments about consulting with your friend who is married to one of the sisters. Are the sisters alike? What happened during his "courting" period? What does he know about your girl? Her previous dating experience? The family? I think it is definitely a cultural difference. How can that not throw you for a loop? It's not something that you are familiar with. Like I said, it sounds like you are very smitten and I wish you luck. Hope you get to spend time with her alone soon.
Well...I suppose as smitten as one can be after only a few dates. When my friend dated his now wife he said they pretty much did the same things I've been doing with 'R'...either just hanging around with the family at their house or going out with a small group, and that this went on for at least some weeks.

My friend told me that R had one boyfriend a few years ago...but that I'm the first guy she's seen that has really seemed to have long term potential, and that this scares her a bit. Oh, and at this point I've pretty much decided I'm not even going to push for alone time anymore. I'll let her suggest it, or not. I think if we're able to get together this weekend I'll take down the ingredients for the one dish I know how to cook and will make this for her and the family. Maybe offer to teach them all some simple card games...which they don't seem to know.
- November 18th, 2009, 10:05 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#30   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 3 of 14 1 2 3 4 5 13 Last »

Bookmarks

« does persistance pay off? | Array | Third Date »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Self-esteem in Online Dating tincup Dating 25 November 10th, 2009 09:17 pm
On-line dating? LilyV Ask a Dating Expert 6 September 21st, 2009 07:00 pm
Life on MATCH.COM: Is your on-line dating experience like this? billgates Ask a Dating Expert 52 June 19th, 2009 10:36 pm

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“So men can drive women around but not the other way around? yes melman_2 they can. ” – Nanette

Join the “Rough Start” discussion

“ Kind of like calling people who consider themself spiritual but not religious "idiots"? I can link to the thread where you did this, if you like... Seriously, why not just pull my pigtails and ... ” – Faira

Join the “Getting Over My Girlfriend's Past Lovers?” discussion

“It varies...depends on the situation, level of relationship, etc. Since this happens on Sunday, I wouldn't sweat it yet..it's only Tuesday and some people do take sometime to cool off or to think ... ” – PY_2

Join the “How long is too long before you realize they "poofed".” discussion

“ I agree, tacky to bring up money. What if it was an expensive date, would he turn to you and say "Gee, I hope you are worth it". Money shouldn't be talked about that early. I bet you he is a ... ” – Spumone

Join the “That WAS a compliment... I think?!” discussion

“I'm really glad you checked in... I have heard of the condition you're describing; there are things that can be done for it. I think you're very courageous, and have got a lot more strength ... ” – Faira

Join the “Update” discussion

“I had my annual Super Bowl party on Sunday. I was smart and prepared the food on Saturday before my BF came over so I could relax with him instead of running around like a crazy woman. So...the BF ... ” – KiskaKitty

Join the “Monday, February 8th weekend and date roundup!” discussion

“I think the OP is most certainly correct. In a way I think one of the reasons why I turned to eHarmony is because I think too much, I am not the kind of guy that could easily meet women in a bar ... ” – stevex

Join the “Too much thinking going on here...” discussion

“WOW! You really do have a full plate. I would certainly let anyone you meet know up front that you are in fact very busy with a lot of things but that you would see said person as much as humanly ... ” – stevex

Join the “Dating when you are busy” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:05 pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0