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j0hn8andy j0hn8andy is offline
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j0hn8andy .....a Flash in the Pan.....is Gone with the Wind.....

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jayjay wrote :
shoop...I know what you mean about talking with someone about how I feel. However, in this situation I'm tending to go with D_Lion. I'm definitely not on intimate terms with this woman yet...so I don't think it would be a good idea to talk about this with her. Also, there's a whole cultural difference aspect of this....and I have no idea how she would relate to or react to things such as this.
jayjay wrote :
Can_I_just_be_Jo and j8a....it is nice to hear a couple positive comments. I just wish the way I felt would line up with these.
Yeah, don't tell her you're insecure. I wouldn't want to hear that, and I'm betting she wouldn't either. Women like a man who's sure of himself.

Best to save those "feelings" for when you're lovers!

One more positive comment. I left home at 18. After that, my family never met any man who didn't become my husband.

I know you have cultural differences. I'm just sayin'.

j8a
- November 18th, 2009, 08:01 pm
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nightling nightling is offline
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jayjay wrote :
I’ve done quite a bit of dating in the last 2 ½ years after my divorce. I’ve gone on a lot of 1st and 2nd dates and dated several women for a few months. Most of these relationships weren’t exclusive, but a couple of them were for at least a month or two and I quite liked these women, especially one of them. Never during my time dating any of these women did I have any feelings of insecurity or confusion.

However, I’ve been feeling quite insecure and confused in my present dating situation. I find myself frequently wondering if the woman I’m seeing is actually interested in me….despite the fact that she has always (so far) said she wants to see me the following weekend, will occasionally do things like put my arm around her etc. I do stupid things like start feeling she might no longer be interested in me when I don’t receive an email from her.

I’ve always thought of myself and felt myself to be a pretty secure person. I also would have thought that ‘once secure….always secure’….but I find myself in the unusual situation where I’m feeling this way. I wonder if part of the reason is because I’m genuinely interested in this woman…which is something quite rare for me, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity.

Any thoughts on this matter? Have you ever felt insecure when beginning to date someone? Has this been something rare or common for you? This is such an unusual and unpleasant feeling for me…that I’m actually starting to wonder if it could be a sign that something isn’t right with this potential relationship.
Is their something in her behavior that's making you feel insecure? Ie, is her interest seemingly hot and cold?

She is kind of young and the young do sometimes change their mind suddenly ...

Or maybe you aren't getting the usual relationship markers you're used to having, since you don't get to spend alone time with her?
- November 18th, 2009, 08:08 pm
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indigirl1975 indigirl1975 is offline
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I am ALWAYS I repeat always insecure with the men I am crazy about. I feel sick, anxious, nervous, worry and then I dump them because I hate feeling that way. I regret it later so just stick it out.

I think that when we really like someone we are afraid we might lose them but pushing someone away or even having a talk about it will only make you more insecure...then you will be wondering if you are coming off needy and how she feels about your talk.

Stay in, play it cool, if she pulls back a little don't lunge forward...mirror her.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:15 pm
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nightling wrote :
Is their something in her behavior that's making you feel insecure? Ie, is her interest seemingly hot and cold?

She is kind of young and the young do sometimes change their mind suddenly ...

Or maybe you aren't getting the usual relationship markers you're used to having, since you don't get to spend alone time with her?
Yes...I think the way I feel is related to the fact that I oftentimes don't know how to interpret her behavior. Like my friend (her brother-in-law) telling me that on the first night I met her when she asked me when I was going to come back to see her...that this was her being very forward. Or the fact that even just kissing seems to be something that happens only after an extended period of seeing each other.

The American women I'm used to dating just aren't this way and I think this partly throws me. I'm also used to women I'm dating actually wanting to spend time with me alone too...not just being around friends and family with me.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:19 pm
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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indigirl1975 wrote :
I am ALWAYS I repeat always insecure with the men I am crazy about. I feel sick, anxious, nervous, worry and then I dump them because I hate feeling that way. I regret it later so just stick it out.

I think that when we really like someone we are afraid we might lose them but pushing someone away or even having a talk about it will only make you more insecure...then you will be wondering if you are coming off needy and how she feels about your talk.

Stay in, play it cool, if she pulls back a little don't lunge forward...mirror her.
Sounds like you have some experience with this. It's my first time....but I'm trying to approach this the way you described. Thanks.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:21 pm
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jayjay wrote :
Yes...I think the way I feel is related to the fact that I oftentimes don't know how to interpret her behavior. Like my friend (her brother-in-law) telling me that on the first night I met her when she asked me when I was going to come back to see her...that this was her being very forward. Or the fact that even just kissing seems to be something that happens only after an extended period of seeing each other.

The American women I'm used to dating just aren't this way and I think this partly throws me. I'm also used to women I'm dating actually wanting to spend time with me alone too...not just being around friends and family with me.
It sounds like the culture is heavily weighted toward protecting the woman from suitors who aren't really serious or are just playing around. Frustrating if you're not used to it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, particularly for her. Just different than you're used to.

Maybe try asking questions to get more information from her, particularly if something confuses you. You can't go wrong understanding her point of view better on a wide variety of issues. It will help you interpret her behavior, and you'll have a better idea what her unspoken expectations might be and whether she's truly compatible with you for the long term.

Good luck!
- November 18th, 2009, 08:28 pm
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You are in an entirely different world than you are used to operating in - the cultural differences are major (yes, I recall reading other posts about her and the situation).

In this world, very little happens in the way you are used to - that might be contributing to your insecurity. But, again referring to my impression from other things you have written, it is a world where you appear to be starting to become comfortable.

You might be feeling insecure because she is not responding to you in the way you are used to so your usual indications of the level of interest, etc., are not there. You are stepping out of your comfort zone and know not quite what to expect here. Your usual benchmarks do not exist (we all have them)

All that being said, you sound like you are liking the whole experience IMHO. The traditional situation you have described, very family oriented, well, girls from families like that don't do casual dating, and they certainly do not spend excessive amounts of time alone with men they are not engaged or married to.......

She likes you or she would never have had you meet the family. That much I can say for certain.

Don't let the insecurities take hold, but if she is easing off on communication, well, there just might be a step you are supposed to be taking here.......
How traditional is her family, and do you have any reasonably close friends who intimately know the culture? If you do, talk to them about the situation and find out what you are supposed to be doing next, if anything, and what it means.

You need to learn a whole new set of norms here, but you know some people are worth it...... big time!

Lilycat
- November 18th, 2009, 08:29 pm
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She asked you when you were coming back! That is major..... major

Lilycat
- November 18th, 2009, 08:31 pm
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nightling wrote :
It sounds like the culture is heavily weighted toward protecting the woman from suitors who aren't really serious or are just playing around. Frustrating if you're not used to it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, particularly for her. Just different than you're used to.

Maybe try asking questions to get more information from her, particularly if something confuses you. You can't go wrong understanding her point of view better on a wide variety of issues. It will help you interpret her behavior, and you'll have a better idea what her unspoken expectations might be and whether she's truly compatible with you for the long term.

Good luck!
That sounds pretty much on. Their whole perspective seems so different. Like as myself, her and 4 other members of her family were talking on my bad Sunday morning I commented that it's so unusual for me to go home with a date and stay at her family's house. The Aunt jokingly commented that I probably went home with just the woman....and my date laughed and chimed in 'yes, I think you went home with the woman'. They seem pretty naive as to the kinds of dating realities I'm used to.

Yes...the asking questions sounds good, and I'll try to do so when I realize something might not be clear. Mostly I think I'm just going to try to suck it up and be around without being needy. Wish me luck.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:36 pm
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Drats JayJay...if you're insecure, who else can I look up to around here!

You're one of the pillars of ehA....don't ever forget that!!!
- November 18th, 2009, 08:42 pm
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