a canceled date and no explanation


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nsearchof1 is offline nsearchof1 Post #1  November 16,2009, 10:01am
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I've recently met someone. We've had 5 dates...generally get together 1x/wk. We both agree the other is interesting, attractive, and enjoy spending time together. My question is this: Do I continue to see a man who canceled a date without offering an explanation? The next time we got together I did bring it up (gently and respectfully). I explained it was the first time anyone had canceled a date without offering some sort of reason and I thought it was odd. He proceeded to talk for a while...during which I was reminded of the times I was asked out, but wasn't available. He also mentioned he might have rearranged his plans (for the evening in question), if he had remembered I was leaving w/in the week for vacation. When all was said and done he never did give an explanation. Our conversation remained friendly and we continued to have fun together.
I'm not looking for him to divulge everything, nor do I believe I'm the only friendly female in his life. My concern now is trust, it just isn't sitting right. Is it too soon to be concerned over this incident? Do I end things now or do I file this experience under 'be aware of' and continue getting to know him? Any feedback to help me sort thru this is appreciated.
 
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nsearchof1 is offline nsearchof1 Post #2  November 16,2009, 10:08am
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I've recently met someone. We've had 5 dates...generally get together 1x/wk. We both agree the other is interesting, attractive, and enjoy spending time together. My question is this: Do I continue to see a man who canceled a date without offering an explanation? The next time we got together I did bring it up (gently and respectfully). I explained it was the first time anyone had canceled a date without offering some sort of reason and I thought it was odd. He proceeded to talk for a while...during which I was reminded of the times I was asked out, but wasn't available. He also mentioned he might have rearranged his plans (for the evening in question), if he had remembered I was leaving w/in the week for vacation. When all was said and done he never did give an explanation. Our conversation remained friendly and we continued to have fun together.
I'm not looking for him to divulge everything, nor do I believe I'm the only friendly female in his life. My concern now is trust, it just isn't sitting right. Is it too soon to be concerned over this incident? Do I end things now or do I file this experience under 'be aware of' and continue getting to know him? Any feedback to help me sort thru this is appreciated.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #3  November 16,2009, 10:11am
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Is this his first mistake?? What is your gut telling you? Are there any other issues you are not sure about ?
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #4  November 16,2009, 10:27am
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I would definitely keep it in mind, and watch for more signs. I wouldn't end it just yet, but don't get in a hurry, and don't try to force yourself to trust him when he has given you no reason to.

It's possible this was perfectly innocent, but something he's not quite ready to share with you (health issue, work issue, friend in trouble who swore him to secrecy - there are some reasons why a guy might cancel and be too embarrassed to tell you about it just yet.)

It's also possible someone else he is seeing took priority - if you're not exclusive that's not quite cheating, but it would be disrespectful of you to cancel a date he'd already made just for something like that.

So I would say don't end it yet, but keep one eye on him and keep one eye out for someone better.
 
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nsearchof1 is offline nsearchof1 Post #5  November 16,2009, 10:31am
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I've also noticed there is a shortage of romantic gestures, which leads me to believe his interest in me is mild. Side note ~ he describes himself as romantic in his profile.

If you're really interested in someone, don't you offer an explanation and provide a bit of romance?
 
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DreamingOfAtlantis is offline DreamingOfAtlantis Post #6  November 16,2009, 10:46am
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If I were interested in someone and had to cancel, I'd give some kind of explanation. There's always the generic, "I was out with friends," excuse, which could include or be only a woman he's interested in.

My concern would be if you had scheduled the date, then he canceled, meaning he made plans AFTER making plans with you -- in other words, putting a later commitment at a higher priority. But you won't know that, since he won't talk about it.

Is he evasive in other ways? Do you know for sure that he lives alone or with roommates? Has he canceled or had to change times before and offered an explanation? If so, then it's clear he simply does not want to let you know why he canceled. It could be for a number of reasons, but he indicated he could have rescheduled it, so it's not likely something medical.

I'd log this as a caution flag and see what else goes with it. Does it become part of a pattern, either in canceled dates or unwillingness to share information.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #7  November 16,2009, 10:47am

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Depending on how detail you want the explanation is, I've been in situation (non-dating) where if people canceled, they gave decent amount of explanation, especially when it's last minute (kid sick, flu, etc..). I personally think it's just common courtesy. Maybe he is still dating other people and didn't want to tell you.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #8  November 16,2009, 11:04am
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How much notice did he give for his cancellation? Generally speaking I wouldn't want to meet someone again who cancelled and wouldn't tell me, but you've gone out more than a couple times...
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  November 16,2009, 12:43pm
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nsearchof1 wrote :
My concern now is trust, it just isn't sitting right.
Your gut reaction seems reasonable to me; he's being kind of secretive. Since it's early in your relationship, I'd just make a note and go forward, see what happens. It could be he was embarrassed about something and doesn't want to tell a lie, it could be he doesn't want to say he's seeing someone else, it could be he screwed up with his calendar and doesn't like to admit mistakes, it could be he's playing a "catch me if you can" game, who knows?

The fact that he didn't answer you, when you asked him about it, would bother me more. It was a reasonable question to ask.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #10  November 17,2009, 2:23pm
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The one comment I wanted to make is that it is possible he did give you an explanation, but masked it soit wasn't so obvious. And that one explanation was that you mentioned there were several times he asked you out but you were "not available."

Although this seems childish, we are all humans, and it's possible he felt jolted b/c you refused him so many times, and this was just a little shot back at you to send a message or whatever. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it's possible, and if it is what he intended, then that's why he did it.

I would give it another try and have another date and see how things go, how he treats you between dates and judge from that. But definitely, there is some tension/cautiousness happening here.

The other thing to think about is this: you've dated him a number of times now. What are your observations about what kind of person he is? Is his personality in line with this new "weird behavior", or is this counter what you've experience as his personality thus far? If it's in-line and normal, then this non-explanation may be a very innocent thing. however if this is out of left field for how he is normally, then it probably means something is going on.

My advice is always to not look at the facts in and of themselves, but compare the facts to what you know and have learned about this person and how they are normally.

Good luck.
Richey
 
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