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cp30 cp30 is online now
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I've become (and been notified...) that I've become a bit...pragmatic, in my feelings about love. In fact, I feel like a 6th grader doodling hearts on my notebook, thinking about New Kids on the Block when I even ask such a silly question....how do you know when it's love? And, how important is that 'feeling' to you?

For me, it seems a no-brainer (after 2 years of writing on eh advice). It's important to me. But for me, love comes easier than committment and trust. And I value trust and committment over love because it has been more reliable to me.

It's not to say I don't value love, I do. It's just that I've forgotten how all encompassing it is for some people...how meaningful, and how, for some people it is such a huge declaration and promise.

To me, love entails no promise, no comittment. It's just a feeling.

And to me, as mentioned many times, love is an action a verb and requires some work to survive.

But anyway, let me back up to more simple times. I know it's been asked here before, but now I'm paying attention and not rolling my eyes at the stupidity of love.

How do you know when its real for you? And do you trust it, once you know? (the second question is optional...)
- November 11th, 2009, 09:31 pm
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For me, aside from the "oooh I just wish they could be naked all of the time!" chemistry, which can be frighteningly fleeting, it has to do with selflessness. When I find that I care as much about a partner's comfort, needs and feelings as my own, to the degree that I want to be there for them even when it can be difficult or even painful to do so, I begin to acknowledge I love them. As far as trusting goes, that's part of it: if I know that person is hurting its impossible for me, and if I believe I might harm them I have to modify my behavior. Cheating on them becomes unthinkable not because it's irresponsible or even potentially hurtful, but because it would be cheating on the way I feel about that person; if that makes sense.

The love is blind cliche becomes relevant as well. I tend to see the person at their best even when they're not. I become much less critical and more supportive. The person becomes dear to me, would be the best way to put it I guess.
- November 11th, 2009, 09:45 pm
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imbricated wrote :
For me, aside from the "oooh I just wish they could be naked all of the time!" chemistry, which can be frighteningly fleeting, it has to do with selflessness. When I find that I care as much about a partner's comfort, needs and feelings as my own, to the degree that I want to be there for them even when it can be difficult or even painful to do so, I begin to acknowledge I love them. As far as trusting goes, that's part of it: if I know that person is hurting its impossible for me, and if I believe I might harm them I have to modify my behavior. Cheating on them becomes unthinkable not because it's irresponsible or even potentially hurtful, but because it would be cheating on the way I feel about that person; if that makes sense.

The love is blind cliche becomes relevant as well. I tend to see the person at their best even when they're not. I become much less critical and more supportive. The person becomes dear to me, would be the best way to put it I guess.
Thanks, thats a thouhtful answer and I can relate to that!
- November 11th, 2009, 09:50 pm
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MelinCali MelinCali is offline
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cp30 wrote :
For me, it seems a no-brainer (after 2 years of writing on eh advice). It's important to me. But for me, love comes easier than committment and trust. And I value trust and committment over love because it has been more reliable to me.
Who's commitment are you talking about? Yours or his?

To me, love is something I feel, commitment is something I consciously strive for (or want reciprocated) and trust is something that must be earned (albeit fairly easily with the right person) through open communication.


cp30 wrote :
But for me, love comes easier than committment and trust. And I value trust and committment over love because it has been more reliable to me.
I wouldn't want the commitment if there wasn't love, so I think that puts them on equal footing to me.

cp30 wrote :
How do you know when its real for you? And do you trust it, once you know? (the second question is optional...)
I know it's real some time during the calm after the storm. When the crazy initial infatuation subsides and I still want to spend every minute with him, he's the first person I want to share any news with and I can no longer imagine future plans that don't include him. I also agree with what imbricated said--about caring about my partner's needs and feelings as much as my own although I would also add sometimes even placing him first.

It takes a little time for me to be sure it isn't still just the infatuation, but once I do, I certainly trust in love and commitment.
- November 11th, 2009, 10:05 pm
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My question would be how do you know when it is going to last? I've been in love several times...ok 3 times, but none of them have lasted, despite the love.

In answer to your question though, cp30, I think somehow you just know. Like you said, it's a feeling. Ok ok, bad answer. I'll try harder... I start to love someone when I've really opened up (which only happens after a lot of trust has been built), when I'm comfortable with someone to the point where we can giggle if the other person farts, they know things about me that I find embarrassing and don't care/like me better for it -- and vice-versa. It also usually happens for me when I like spending time with them and when I feel like I'm "with myself" when I'm with them. The not having to pretend at all or censor at all. Allowing myself to be fully relaxed in their company and to talk about anything that comes to mind. The same characteristics cause me to feel joy and ease with really close friends, which is also love (just a different kind). Love is also about wanting to make the other person smile all the time and smiling inside to think about them.
- November 11th, 2009, 10:08 pm
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To answer your question Mel,

I'm just curious how people of both gender "feel" when they know it's love and what things make them 'know' it.

I think I am normal and can relate to everything all have written so far. But I guess what I project is an image that is more....cynical....and, well I've been accused of being someone that would be 'okay with a loveless marriage' as long as it was trusting and secure.

I think that is wild and crazy. But I've also accused that person of being naive and childish....

I think I have been deeply in love once. But I've been in love probably about 5 times. I don't trust emotions, but I still do prefer to be in love than not...and I wouldn't (have tried) to be in relationships that were safe but not loving.
- November 11th, 2009, 10:18 pm
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For me love is that all too rare feeling that makes me want to be in a committed relationship with a woman. So yes, for me love IS a feeling....but it is this feeling that is necessary to inspire me to take the action that leads to a relationship. I recognize this feeling of love the same way I recognize all other feelings such as anger, disgust, respect etc.

Also, if I'm physically attracted to a woman (which is a requirement for me) then the 'I wish they could be naked all the time' feeling mentioned above doesn't go away.
- November 11th, 2009, 10:19 pm
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JayJay....how do you recognize it? For me, I tend to recognize it when I start going crazy...(it's uncomfortable, actually).

And when you say 'comitted' what does that mean to you? does it mean marriage, or does it mean 'only dating one person' ?
- November 11th, 2009, 10:22 pm
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cp30 wrote :
and, well I've been accused of being someone that would be 'okay with a loveless marriage' as long as it was trusting and secure.
I think my parents have followed this model and have done fairly well with it. However, this model is not for me. I think the love part is the part that helps me to not be annoyed all the time by things I'd otherwise find annoying (and cause me to be antagonistic).

A friend told me that his mom told me that she cannot stay mad at his dad when she sees him smile. I think this is a rather good quality to have for a loving, committed relationship that will last.

Oh wait. Am I answering my question or yours?
- November 11th, 2009, 10:26 pm
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cp30 wrote :
JayJay....how do you recognize it? For me, I tend to recognize it when I start going crazy...(it's uncomfortable, actually).

And when you say 'comitted' what does that mean to you? does it mean marriage, or does it mean 'only dating one person' ?
How do you know when you're angry? Don't you just recognize that particular feeling? It's the same with love for me. And what I mean by the commitment this feeling makes me pursue isn't necessarily a particular relationship state but just a process of continuing to deepen the relationship....which will eventually lead to only dating one person and potentially marriage.
- November 11th, 2009, 10:26 pm
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