IT STILL DOESN'T DIMISH THE HURT


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #1  November 8,2009, 10:55pm
rRACINGRANDY's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2008

CHICAGO

Posts: 66

See profile

Over the past few years, I have been advocating to others to "listen to your gut" on or after the first set of dates. Your gut is rarely wrong. It's your first line of defense and is usually based on past experiences of validated "huntches". But even I am guilty of not following through.

My date this past Thursday night was full of warning signs. First was the fact that she did not give me her telephone number. Everything was set up through e-mail. Secondly, she arrived 15 minutes late for the first meet up/date. Her excuse.?..."parking was difficult." But then I noticed as I was walking her to her car that she had a close parking space. Third...during the date, she disclosed that she had been texting a male companion every morning for the past two weeks. She further commented that she enjoyed them and it was like a "cat and mouse" game. Although the date went went (3 hours) she did not reply to my post "thank you" for a wonderful date until Sunday late night....almost three days later. At this point she had told me she had met another guy and wished me the best of luck.

Despite all the warning signs....the 3 sentence rejection e-mail still hurt. Perhaps because she was fairly attractive. Seemed really smart. And the initial e-mails were fun and full of energy. And after she arrived late, we had a good time.

So why despite the warning signs...does it still hurt??

And why do I continue to get involved with these types of women?
 
  Reply With Quote
bwr is offline bwr Post #2  November 8,2009, 11:37pm
bwr's Avatar

wants to become relevant again

Enthusiast

Joined: Oct 2008

AZ

Posts: 591

See profile

You need more experience getting rejected, simple as that, until you realize the time, effort, and hurt just isn't worth it. When I was younger I fell in the same traps you did. And I got hurt and confused all the time.

When we were kids, we would still rebel and do something even though our parents told us it was wrong. It was only after we actually got stung and burned did we realize "Yeah, my parents were right. It is wrong".

People and our gut instincts can tell us what we are doing wrong. But until we actually experience it ourself and actually fail over and over again, only then we realize its wrong and actually start trusting our guts.

Experience rules.
 
  Reply With Quote
FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #3  November 9,2009, 3:06am
FruitaBu's Avatar

is happy.

Virtuoso

Joined: Mar 2008

Florida

Posts: 2,668

See profile

Many times we "hear" our gut, but we don't actually "listen" to it.


However.. Not sure how much you can listen to your gut when you are meeting someone for the first time. You don't know them yet, so you have no way to protect yourself or see a rejection coming. Most of us have just learned to guard our expectations early on in the dating process and not let people we barely know make us feel sad or dejected.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
 
  Reply With Quote
rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #4  November 9,2009, 3:25am
rRACINGRANDY's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2008

CHICAGO

Posts: 66

See profile

It's so hard to go on previous experiences as I seem to date really well. This one lasted 3 hours.

I think perhaps it's best for me to stick with my gut. And also to put a time limit on the first date. Although this might not make any sense, I can put a restriction on what I tell my date and divulge.

Also....any woman that shows up 10-15 minutes late on a first date without calling....is just plain rude. I keep hearing about the male being late but it works both ways. And secondly...any woman that talks about a current love interest while your on a date with her......is also a warning sign.

Seems to me...once she disappeared early last week from communicating to me.......it should of all ended.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  November 9,2009, 5:15am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

rRACINGRANDY wrote :
I think perhaps it's best for me to stick with my gut.
I really don't get what 'sticking with your gut' would have meant in this circumstance. From what I gather you went on 1 date with this woman...and the things you learned about her mostly happened on this date, so sticking with your gut wouldn't have meant not going on this date. It sounds like you might just be talking about getting your hopes up.

FWIW someone being 10-15 minutes late is somewhat minimal to me. Doing that one time wouldn't be a big deal for me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  November 9,2009, 5:43am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

As jayjay says you only had a first date. Somewhere along the line you built this into a fantasy relationship that was not there.

Maybe the problem is that you "date really well" so you expect that every girl you go out with is going to to be awestruck by you.
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #7  November 9,2009, 6:24am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

jayjay wrote :
I really don't get what 'sticking with your gut' would have meant in this circumstance. From what I gather you went on 1 date with this woman...and the things you learned about her mostly happened on this date, so sticking with your gut wouldn't have meant not going on this date. It sounds like you might just be talking about getting your hopes up.

FWIW someone being 10-15 minutes late is somewhat minimal to me. Doing that one time wouldn't be a big deal for me.
I tend to agree with Jayjay that 15 minutes is not all that excessive as long as it's not a habit.

I also do not think it's wrong for the woman to set up the date from eHarm or other online dating without giving out her telephone number. Dr. Warren's lengthy letter actually suggests it for safety reasons. And given the recent near stalker experience of one of our posters over what was just a first-time coffee ... I think it's wise.

It does seem very low class for her to mention how she is texting with some other guy and enjoys the cat and mouse game. I agree, it was a warning sign that this particular woman might not really be worth dating further.

Seems like you may have dodged a bullet if she's now turning her charm elsewhere.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #8  November 9,2009, 6:28am
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

I'm going to go out on a limb. I may be right, i may be wrong on this. Bear with me.

Is it a possibility that within yourself, you are putting way too much emphasis on success on these dates prematurely? I can understand disappointment that things didn't work out, but the way i read your post, you're genuinely hurt. To be hurt on the first date means one of two things. First, your date went above and beyond the call of duty to hurt you. I'm thinking along the lines of meeting you, deciding you were not for her, hooked up with some guy at the bar while you were waiting for her to get back from the bathroom and stuck you with the check, kind of hurt. (Oh, btw, this did happen to me. She actually called me later that week and wondered what she did wrong)

Or #2, you're opened yourself up too much, too fast, too soon.

I am thinking what is happening and has happened is #2, you're putting way too much emphasis on success and not enough emphasis on yourself. This person, like you said, was totally wrong for you, yet you still feel hurt. Instead of feeling hurt, feel relieved that you didn't go down the wrong road and relish in the fact that the next date you go on will be better.

I'm also going to guess that you are opening yourself up because you're asking for permission to date. Follow me here. It seems to me that you maybe hoping that this other person you're dating likes you. Now we all do that when we're dating someone we like, but at the same time, you're disregarding yourself when you do something like this. Its easy to do really, but at the same time, its not doing you any favors and makes you look spineless. It subtly portrays you as someone who has no sense of self and is solely around for your date's approval.

Instead of seeking approval, try this instead. Go into a date looking to have a good time. Go into the date as a salesman. Go in to sell yourself and enjoy yourself while doing it. If you "make the sale" ie, your date really likes you, great, go with it. But if you don't make the sale, move on to the next date. This way, you'll have fun on the date regardless of outcome, and if you genuinely have fun instead of worrying if you're doing this or that right, you WILL show a much better side of you and make a way better impression.
 
  Reply With Quote
indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #9  November 9,2009, 6:53am
indigirl1975's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Apr 2008

Indiana

Posts: 329

See profile

Anyone who mentioned texting someone else, an ex, a girl/guy they last went out with...be very careful, First dates should be reserved for a nice getting to know you. The minute she mentioned the other guy she was into him. Sorry she lead you on, that is not cool.
 
  Reply With Quote
Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #10  November 9,2009, 6:57am
Johnnyguitarm…'s Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Aug 2009

Kent, UK

Posts: 321

See profile

The key is just not to let yourself get hurt. In fact if you do have a bad gut feeling about a date then deal with it, perhaps by getting your "no chemistry" e-mail in first.

I agree with the above posters, 15 mins late is not a big deal at all. I have heard of people who ended up happily married with the very first person they contacted on a dating website, but these are in the minority. You have to expect a lot of so- so dates and let downs before finding someone you can have a relationship with. Maybe even as many as 10-20 seperate dates before you find someone you click with.

Thats just the way it is, best advice is just to get over it. And please spell diminish properly! diminish - Definition from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Saturday Date Leaves Me Dazed and Confused??? | Dating | Opinions/input please! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
What the heck is this?? I really got hurt.... chrysalis08 Ask a Dating Expert 91 November 6,2009 11:25am
After person hurt me, should I continue to date them? SouthernWoman26 Relationships 31 September 18,2009 3:09pm
so hurt!!! I just don't understand what happened slp421 Ask a Dating Expert 28 September 15,2009 8:17pm
I am so lost and hurt that my ex was a jerk and he went back to his Ex. Giselle1008 Dating 17 August 10,2009 6:54pm
Hurt and confused Noway4me Ask a Dating Expert 4 July 11,2009 6:25pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Ingy - I'm not sure what you're reading, but I've consistently said he was totally my type. Yes, I have said he wasn't a looker, but I have also said I was relatively certain I would warm to him ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“OP, do you have celiac disease? If not, I hate to burst your bubble but there's no health benefit to giving up gluten. Gluten is problematic only to people who have reactions to it, and you'd know ... ” –  jimmyh452

Join the “Living Without....” discussion

“ Most folks don't want to see matches that don't fit within their preferences. I know I didn't. That's why they set their preferences! ” –  FairOne

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Yeah, this article was pretty disgusting. Not surprising how many women try to justify such tactics. The woman in the article clearly cares more about getting married than about who she marries. A ... ” –  jimmyh452

Join the “How to Get the Proposal You Want...Without Asking For It” discussion

“LOL....Yet another thread started by a "newbie" who is gone after one post just to rile up the community.....” –  Ingytravel

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“ I did try to follow a comic book series once. It was called Starfire and she had a costume change due to her outfit being caught on a nail. It was similar to something that people found ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Avengers” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:46pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0