activeteacher is offline activeteacher Post #1  November 8,2009, 7:55am
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How do you learn to date? Please, there is more to it than “Just Do it!” Do you date people that you don’t find attractive as a potential mate? Isn’t that taking advantage of them? Hurting them for your gain? And are you really gaining or growing as a person by such an action?

I am 38 years old and have had one serious relationship many years ago. (We grew apart as our lives took us different directions). I have spent the past 2 years learning to like myself again. I work hard and have many interests. But meeting women is something I am not good at. I teach High school and race bicycles. I am learning to dance and rediscovering my passion for photography. But meeting single women in my age bracket is tough (impossible?).

The online routine provides a great opportunity to meeting people. Yet those that are coming up as matches – I just don’t see it. I live a very active lifestyle. Most matches obviously do not – and do not display the ‘drive’ that I seek in a partner. Some don’t even pass the “Can you imagine kissing that person?” test. In no form am I putting down these matches as a person. Just not a possible person for me.

Yet, I don’t know how to date. Never did it in school. So practice makes perfect. And yet … How do you learn without hurting someone?

What are your thoughts? Suggestions?
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #2  November 9,2009, 8:17am
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There is a book called dating for dummies. I read it awhile ago. Basically be yourself, be polite, if you are a man I would say pay, keep it light, keep it fun. If end it with nice to meet you. If you like her call or message her the next day saying you had a great time and would she like to set up another date. Simple and easy! You will be fine with the right woman.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  November 9,2009, 9:29am
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I have read Dating for Dummies (recently) and it is long, dated and not really written in a style that makes it easy reading. Though it does contain some useful information and ideas.

I think there are some better books and ones that are more current. One that I like a lot is How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud. Also you may find Romancing The Web: A Therapist's Guide To The Finer Points Of Online Dating by Dr. Diane M. Berry useful. Also Were You Born for Each Other? by Dr. Kevin Leman is an interesting book though not specifically directed to dating as much as understanding personalities. There are many other good books on dating.

I do not consider that I am using or taking advantage of anyone because I have chosen to ask them for a date even if I don't think that they are going to be "the one". I approach a date with the expectation that I am going to date for the fun of the date, that I may learn something new from my date and that I may learn something about myself. It is not until you have met someone in person that you will have any idea of who that person really is. The concept of dating gives you that opportunity.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #4  November 9,2009, 9:40am
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It's sort of a chicken and egg proposition isn't it? You can't know they are The One from photos and text or even from a simple coffee date. It takes time to ferret out all the information you need to make that determination.

What makes it fair is, you're both taking the same risks and you're both starting from the same square 0. As long as you are honest with the other person about what you are looking for from them as soon as you yourself know, I think you are on safe moral ground.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  November 9,2009, 10:03am
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No, you should not date someone you are not attracted to. By "date" I mean go on more than one date and lead the person to believe that there is relationship potential there, when there is none.

Having said that, unless you go on "a" date, you will never know whether there is any potential there or not. It sounds to me like you are perhaps placing too much importance on a few photos and a few written words, while in reality you have no idea who that person is until you actually meet face to face.

Also, food for thought here - do you really want a clone of yourself? I know many happy couples where one person is active and the other is not. While it's important to have some things in common, it's equally important to have some things apart in a relationship and so not be attached at the hip all the time. You may wish to rethink your criteria a little and explore different possibilities. Instead of looking at each match as "the one" take a chance and explore a little - you never know what you may find or who you may end up clicking with.
Overall just have fun with it and bring your personality to the table.
 
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activeteacher is offline activeteacher Post #6  November 11,2009, 9:45am
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The chicken and egg proposition really sums this up. Gr8Guyn2008, thanks for your response. Going out to have fun getting to know someone is a foreign concept to me. But it makes sense.

Dancingfool -- yes, I am probably placing too much value on a picture. But only to the extent that they are not repulsive and that they take at least moderate care of themselves.

I am not looking for a clone. But I DO want someone who can enjoy life. Here's an example: how many profiles have you read where the person loves to travel? Now, how many of these same people actually get out of their vehicles to appreciate the culture and beauty of the area? What happens if they are in the mountains where the air is thin? Or scuba diving?

Many of the inactive people I've met, through work, church, and hobbies can't even imagine going to watch the stuff I do. I don't expect them to ride, let alone race, the 100 miles. And yes, I do get tired of the negative energy ("you're crazy." "WHY would anyone want to do that?" etc).

But to the original question: How does one learn how to date? Preferably without spending tons and tons of time and money on it. Life is short -- live it!

Thanks for the advice. PLEASE keep it coming!
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #7  November 11,2009, 10:09am
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Hi! You are pretty new to internet dating, aren't you? Lots of reading to do, I would think.

My advice, look at the women in everyday life around you, and just look for one that you think you might have a good conversation with. Ask her out for a coffee, or something of that nature, just to talk. Casually - this is not a marriage proposal. She may say no, take it gracefully. If she does agree, talk to her, but equally important listen. Deep it does not have to be, current events, whatever interests you.

This is a start. The only way to learn.

Don't get too hung up on pictures here, and what people write. Meet them and talk to them. Maybe 1 or 2 a week for a little bit? Most of them will not be your cup of tea, probably, but what you are doing here is trying to increase your comfort level with actually doing it. If you meet someone nice that you want to spend more time with, well great. If not, well you are learning.

It's a win/win, just relax. Oh, and expect to mess up now and then, just do not beat yourself up about it.

As far as inactive people go, well look at the attitude. If they seriously think you are nuts for doing the athletic things you do, not for you. If they are intrigued by it, or the least bit curious, well IMHO it's worth seeing where that goes. Worse thing that can happen you have made a friend, and sounds like you could use a few to resocialize yourself......

Just my thoughts.

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activeteacher is offline activeteacher Post #8  November 14,2009, 4:49am
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Lilycat,

New to internet dating, no, not really. I AM new to dating in general. I spent many years in the military, then hit grad school, built a business, and then entered teaching. So meeting people in 'real life' has never done much for me.

The groups of people I am finding around me now are much older than I am. An average age of at least 10 years older. And married. And since I am almost 40, that makes a big difference in views on raising a family.

While I have accepted the strong possibility of being single for my entire life, I am not giving up. Perhaps I should try more of the "Yes, man!" view on things.

BTW, I am NOT comfortable approaching women I see at various places. Incoming enemy fire -- not a problem. But approaching women ... duck and cover!

Off to clean the garage before the snow arrives.
Thanks
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #9  November 14,2009, 5:41am

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Welcome ActiveTeacher...

Here are my thoughts on this...

Attraction - I think it is a bit different for men and women. I think men usually know when they are attracted to someone and for women attraction takes a little time to develop. If you are worried about meeting people that you only feel lukewarm about due to their picture and profile, I personally would still meet them because of the four matches I did meet in person, I can honestly say they were much more attractive in person than their pictures. The downside to that is that you have more meets with people that just don't do it for you and that can be a drag on its own.

If you fear that you are somehow being insincere because you are lukewarm - I would not worry about that - at least from the woman's side. It is in her nature to give someone a chance since for us, the attraction is not instant. Think of your "kissing test" - for us women, we need a date or two to decide if you have passed or failed the test, so most reasonable women will not think they have been played or used if you decide that it just is not there for you after a couple (or one) dates.

Active - I think you will have a harder time finding someone that is as active or fit as you due to age. Age happens - and for a lot of us, that means we aren't as fit or active as we used to be. It could just be due to life situations (work, kids, etc) or it could be, like in my case, I still think I can eat and drink what I want and I have become lazy in staying in shape so I can do those things and still stay fit.

I will say though, you can not judge someone on how active they are or not based on body type or profiles. I surprise a lot of people of what I can do physically because of my lifestyle (smoking) and extra weight. But I have run a couple marathons in my life, have been on many backpacking trips and day-hikes and it is something I love to do (well, except the running! I hate running but I liked the challenge of the marathon).

Not saying you should go out with someone that you do not find physically attractive, just trying to point out that you may assume someone is not physically active incorrectly based on pictures and profile.

Internet dating - Since you do not want to approach women in public, internet dating is a good option for you. You will be matched with people that are interested in dating as well so it takes out the guess work. Internet dating is just no guarantee that you will find someone but it gives you a chance. The key, I think, is just to not let "the nice but not for me" plethora of matches get to you. You just have to keep plugging away.

Good luck! (And thanks for your service.)
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #10  November 14,2009, 9:19am
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activeteacher wrote :
The chicken and egg proposition really sums this up. Gr8Guyn2008, thanks for your response. Going out to have fun getting to know someone is a foreign concept to me. But it makes sense.

Dancingfool -- yes, I am probably placing too much value on a picture. But only to the extent that they are not repulsive and that they take at least moderate care of themselves.

I am not looking for a clone. But I DO want someone who can enjoy life. Here's an example: how many profiles have you read where the person loves to travel? Now, how many of these same people actually get out of their vehicles to appreciate the culture and beauty of the area? What happens if they are in the mountains where the air is thin? Or scuba diving?

Many of the inactive people I've met, through work, church, and hobbies can't even imagine going to watch the stuff I do. I don't expect them to ride, let alone race, the 100 miles. And yes, I do get tired of the negative energy ("you're crazy." "WHY would anyone want to do that?" etc).

But to the original question: How does one learn how to date? Preferably without spending tons and tons of time and money on it. Life is short -- live it!

Thanks for the advice. PLEASE keep it coming!
Welcome to the eHA! I have in my profile that I like to travel, but unless you took the time to get to know me, you wouldn't find out that I hate car trips. I would much rather walk around the town I'm visiting (you miss SO much when doing a drive by) or snorkel when I'm on a beach vacation. I'm not a mountain person so I don't have to worry about thin air.

Don't assume anything based on a profile. Use it to screen out definite No's and give people with potential a chance. Most women don't feel used after one date. We feel used when we think you like us and then disappear with no further communication.

I have a friend who races like you do and while I do think he's crazy , it's something he's passionate about and I like hearing about it. This summer he rode in one that was 750 miles! The point is, appreciating the enjoyment the other person gets from the activity should give you enjoyment too. You can work on developing a joint interest later.

As far as learning how to date, there really is no substitute for doing it. You can read all you want about it, but unless you do it, you'll never learn. Kinda like riding a bicycle.

Dating does take time, effort and money, but it doesn't have to break the bank. There are free things going on in every city and meals can cost less than $40 for both. The price of a meal means nothing to me, it's just a reason to get together.

Good luck!
 
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