Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #41  November 7,2009, 9:08am
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Is your nervousness because it doesn't feel safe? If so, skipping the phone and using email to set up an in-person meeting might feel safer (assuming it's in public, daytime, no alcohol etc). In person you get all the visual info that's missing over the phone.

If your nervousness is not safety-related, then maybe it's really excitement? Which often feels just like fear. It can help to remember it's an actual person on the other end ... with his own nervousness etc.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #42  November 7,2009, 9:44am

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nightling wrote :
Well I can't find the post now, but some other lady posted about this very problem and I definitely feel her pain. I wish I could remember where her post was to go and say so.

I'm at that stage in communication with a match where he's given me his phone number and suggested I call. This is actually how the Dr. Warren communication recommends you do it, blocking your phone number.

My problem ... what is my problem?

I'm frozen stiff solid as a cube of ice. I don't know if I can call this person, a virtual stranger. It just feels sooooo weird. I do not know this person at all. I never in this context called anyone I did not know very well before.

I do not even know if there's any chemistry here. Can't tell a damn thing from a photograph and text on a screen. What the he.ll am I doing? lol I am really not sure about this whole thing.

Not that I will poof on the guy. But I seriously feel creeped out by this whole process. I do not know what to do with myself.

*freaking out*

Lack of trust and the lack of his personality warmth to win you over is your thing, so you need to find out why?
If not drop out and try a Match Maker. You actually need to continue the e mail process until you feel comfortable or go to a bar and find someone the old fashion way.

Harvey7.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #43  November 7,2009, 10:32am
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sometimes taking a brisk walk or jog can calm the jitters.
I know you can do this.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #44  November 7,2009, 4:15pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
Lack of trust and the lack of his personality warmth to win you over is your thing, so you need to find out why?
If not drop out and try a Match Maker. You actually need to continue the e mail process until you feel comfortable or go to a bar and find someone the old fashion way.

Harvey7.
Good golly miss molly ... 42 replies!

I haven't had a chance to read them all but thanks for the support everyone. I will get my head on straight.

I am something of a worrier aren't I?
Last edited by nightling; November 7,2009 at 4:16pm. Reason: Harvey you are so right about this. btw. All my relationships have been with -very- charming men. My fatal flaw.
 
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jasper77 is offline jasper77 Post #45  November 7,2009, 4:48pm
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If you are interested enough to make his acquaintance you will call, otherwise, forget about it and move on. Being involved in on line dating means that we will come in contact with strangers. Isn't that the point? To meet new people? And isn't it worth the risk? Only you can know, since you've been in touch with him. Go with your gut.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #46  November 7,2009, 6:22pm
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Lilycat wrote :
You have gotten a lot of good advice here, but I think this one says it best overall. Make a "phone appointment" and just do it.

You are only frozen because you probably feel on some level something like the rest of your life may be riding on this. This may sound silly, but when you are new in this venue some of the things you think are quite silly until you pull them out and look at them critically in the light of day. So give the whole thing a little less importance in your own mind, it is foreign to you maybe because you have no idea what you want from the other person. Or they from you. When you know them IRL (and you say you have done this IRL before) it's easy.... you know why you are calling, it's clear to you. In this context it's a big question mark, but one thing I can say is that IMHO you should usually at least have a little chat on the phone prior to meeting - sometimes this exercise tells you that you are better off not meeting.... rare, but it happens.
Hope this helps!
Lilycat
I appreciate your perspective, but I have no such notion that the rest of my life is riding on this.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #47  November 7,2009, 6:23pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Is double standard the right term to use here

Men are supposed to do the asking
Men are supposed to do the calling
Men are supposed to send First Questions

Why, because, it might be awkward or uncomfortable or heaven forbid he might not be interested and you would feel rejected.

nightling now you are getting a bit of the feelings that every guy that has ever called and asked you out feels. You can either suck it up and call him or you can close using the reason of "I am not ready to take the next step." What would happen if he actually asked to meet you?
I have asked guys out before. But they were not blind dates. ;p~
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #48  November 7,2009, 6:24pm
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clearlyoblique wrote :
Nightling, I do something that makes me feel "expected". When a guy sends me his number, I ask, "when is a good time to call?" This gives me a target time and then I think that it's expected ... and I just call. I'm always nervous. I'm not any different.

When I feel like I need ground ... for lack of a better word, I ask: "Isn't this process interesting? I have no idea who you are!" or something to that effect. The guy is usually agreeing, reassuring. Often they have more experience at it (they used to have to cold call the girl) ... so often they take over a little here.

I like the phone stage. Remember, it isn't a progression. You are at square one again. This time the square is different. When you meet, another square. Think of it as a colorful rubix cube. A game. He is going to help or thwart with the squares. It's OK. We all are doing it.

Again, I think it was the Crunch Captain who put all this into understandable terms for me. God love him!

oooo I'm hungry for some cereal. oooo maybe some Cheerios oooo oooo ooo ooooo ooooo ooo nom nom nom nom nom.
You are always so sensible CO. Thanks. Excellent suggestions.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #49  November 7,2009, 6:29pm
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I remember the first time a guy gave me his number to call, I freaked out and did nothing for days. I felt the same as you are saying right now. I actually ended up sending him an email saying that I met someone lol. I really was just too freaked out over talking on the phone to a stranger. Fast forward to 4 years later and much more online dating "practice", it's like old hat to me lol.

I think everyone feels that same as you are saying. The entire idea of online dating is slightly awkward and yes, it's hard to know if the chemistry will be there once you're on the phone etc. But, what is really the worse that can happen? I like to have the person's profile visible or at least recently viewed just so I have some talking points as well as many have a few questions in mind in case there is awkward silence. Most of the conversations I've had (and there have been many by now) have all gone pretty well. yes, some go smoother than others, but after a few minutes, the awkwardness goes away. And worse case scenario, you can make something up to get off the phone and that'll be the end to it. I don't block my number but I know some people feel more comfortable doing that. Good luck!
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #50  November 7,2009, 6:32pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Is your nervousness because it doesn't feel safe? If so, skipping the phone and using email to set up an in-person meeting might feel safer (assuming it's in public, daytime, no alcohol etc). In person you get all the visual info that's missing over the phone.

If your nervousness is not safety-related, then maybe it's really excitement? Which often feels just like fear. It can help to remember it's an actual person on the other end ... with his own nervousness etc.
I think it has a large part to do with safety. In the past I have dated only people I know very well. And I ask around my network of friends who know this person so I am certain of them first.

I do have very good reasons for my caution which I have already mentioned enough here (And I really don't need to be told the victim's at fault again! )

This whole process feels just a bit strange to me. It was feeling strange before now in fact. I never talk about my religious beliefs for example with anyone, not even my own parents, yet that was one of the questions I answered during this process.

The strangeness just really hit home at the last. WhatamI doing here? /sigh

That's the emotion. Logically, I know this is a logical step.

I'll get it together. Thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions. I appreciate them.
Last edited by nightling; November 7,2009 at 6:59pm.
 
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