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Emme Emme is offline
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I was matched up with a truly nice, kind man on eH. Men often complain that women say they want the nice guy but really want a bad boy. I am not one of those women. I like kind, sort of nerdy, sweet, nice men.

At the beginning we really hit it off. I was sooo attracted to his kindness. After a couple of weeks, though, it became clear to me that we have almost nothing in common. He is fascinated by his job, and while I'm a willing listener for most things, he seems to have no other interests. He doesn't see movies, doesn't watch sports, doesn't read, isn't up on the news, etc.

I had to break up with him. ACtually, I truthfully told him I want to be friends and we've hung out a few times but still, it's all about his job.

I guess this post is more of a whine than anything. Why can't I find a nice guy with whom I can actually have something in common? I'm sooo frustrated.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:00 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Have you considered that he is interested in his job because that is all he knows ... becasue, well, the women he meets aren't interested in him?

Can you say you spent enough time that he wasn't changing due to your presence in his life?

If he had no damaging qualities, and you had no other competing interests, I would be inclined to give a person like this some time.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:05 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
Have you considered that he is interested in his job because that is all he knows ... becasue, well, the women he meets aren't interested in him?

Can you say you spent enough time that he wasn't changing due to your presence in his life?

If he had no damaging qualities, and you had no other competing interests, I would be inclined to give a person like this some time.
I gave him a few months. I really really wanted it to work out because he is so kind and supportive. But I can't talk about his job all the time. He'll text me 8-10 times a day to tall me some minute detail about something that's going on in his job. I've told him I can't text that much at work as I have a lot to do, yet he keeps texting, always about the job. I honestly don't think he has anything more in his life beside his job and his son. We rarely saw each other between his job and his son.

I can't believe I finally met a nice man and I can't have him. Where are the rest of you nice guys? Nerdy is great, don't care about bald or not, paunch or not, height, any of that "just packaging" stuff. I want nice, with some interests in common. Where are you all???
- November 6th, 2009, 08:11 pm
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scarlet13 scarlet13 is offline
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Emme wrote :
I gave him a few months. I really really wanted it to work out because he is so kind and supportive. But I can't talk about his job all the time. He'll text me 8-10 times a day to tall me some minute detail about something that's going on in his job. I've told him I can't text that much at work as I have a lot to do, yet he keeps texting, always about the job. I honestly don't think he has anything more in his life beside his job and his son. We rarely saw each other between his job and his son.

I can't believe I finally met a nice man and I can't have him. Where are the rest of you nice guys? Nerdy is great, don't care about bald or not, paunch or not, height, any of that "just packaging" stuff. I want nice, with some interests in common. Where are you all???
ugh. I feel your pain.

have you thought about trying to interest him in other activities? or, at the very least. because he's so nice, telling him exactly what you think? sometimes people need a nudge, and since you are friends now, if you do it in a very diplomatic and kind way, he may see that he needs some hobbies.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:14 pm
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peg099 peg099 is offline
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This is a great example of how being 'nice' is not in itself enough.

Most people don't select partners based on a single criteria, so if that's all someone has going for them, of course they're going to have trouble attracting members of the opposite sex.

Just please don't use the term 'nice guy' for a kind man
- November 6th, 2009, 08:15 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Okay, months is a lot different than a few meetings.

Did you try asking?

How about considering either a straightforward negotiation: ask him to lighten up on the job-talk? Or a request: "please do not burden me with the text message that each batch widgets got produced."

Sounds like a guy who can get onboard to a request?

I don't want to give up on my theme right yet, as I see this as a learned adaptation, and thus time is needed to change it.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:15 pm
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bct31 bct31 is offline
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I feel your frustrations and wonder the same thing myself.

Have you tried asking this guy if he has any hobbies? Maybe he's just going through a difficult couple of months at work? Lots of people are being overworked right now due to the economy. Is it possible he is so caught up in his job that he doesn't even realize it? If you gave him several months, it sounds like you were interested in him and would still be dating if he had interests. Maybe try asking him about what he does outside of work, since to date, you haven't noticed any of his extra curricular activities. If he says he has none, then move on.

As far as your whine...maybe join groups that are of interest to you. I joined meetup.com for awhile and was a member of various groups. If you aren't familiar with the site, it has every possible interest group imaginable and people meet in person etc. There's hiking groups, wine groups, knitting groups, singles etc. Good luck!
- November 6th, 2009, 08:18 pm
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TheWanderer TheWanderer is offline
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Exactly, peg! From the parts about him having no other interests and nothing to talk about, it sounds like he's actually the most common "nice guy" complaint - boring.

Nice guy =/= good man, kind man, decent man, etc. It seems like it's been pitted against "bad boy" as the two extremes on the spectrum. If that's the case, "nice guy" should really be replaced with "boring wimp."

And very true that "nice" isn't enough. Plenty of nice guys think they deserve sex and affection simply because they're decent human beings. That's a start, but you've really got to bring more to the table.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:21 pm
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melman melman is offline
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Emme wrote :
I gave him a few months. I really really wanted it to work out because he is so kind and supportive. But I can't talk about his job all the time. He'll text me 8-10 times a day to tall me some minute detail about something that's going on in his job. I've told him I can't text that much at work as I have a lot to do, yet he keeps texting
If you let him text you 8-10 times a day, and you didn't break up for a few months, then clearly you led him on at least a little bit.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:24 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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He is both nice and kind, and has not responded to my hints to talk about other things. He's been in this job for 30 years and it's his life. I don't think I'll change him. He was also married over 30 years so he's probably just happy to have someone new to tell about all these things.

I wouldn't mind a "boring" type of relationship. Drama is not for me. Cooking dinner together, watching sports together, working in the yard together, walking the dog together... all boring by some people's standards, but they sound like heaven to me.
- November 6th, 2009, 08:26 pm
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