Ethical Considerations In Dating Multiple People


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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #41  November 7,2009, 5:27am
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Just been lurking for a while....... but back again lol.

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DavidP001 wrote :
This is kind of a multi part question so here we go.

I do date multiple ladies at once, but only if they are all CASUAL dates, as in they havent gotten past dinner and a movie or to the hand holding stages yet... no emotions, no commitments, and definatly no sex yet.

In doing so i make sure that im HONEST to each one of them. I answer every question they have 100% honestly, including if im seeing someone else.

If i make a promise, i dont break it. Which means if someone asks for an exclusive relationship, i stop dating the others.

I dont start getting involved with without asking for it to be exclusive,and i dont have casual sex.

Which means, dating to me is more like friendship, with some flirting.

To me, you can only be wrong if you lie or hurt someone through non-disclosure.

This means if you have an open relationship with someone, your in the clear as far as im concerned, go for it as long as everyone knows whats going on. I wont ever be involved with open relationships, but i dont judge those who do.

I am not fond of cheaters because they have to lie to be a cheater. People can waste their whole lives because they thought their partner was honest... its just wrong to treat someone like that.
I think D has nailed my POV right on the head - his definition of dating and mine seem to be in sync, along with how we would handle it, and looking at some of the other posts and how wide ranging the answers are reinforces my initial premise that until you have defined "dating " for yourself you are unable to answer the original question properly. Now there's a question for you! Also, one of the points I believe he makes here is that dating occurs IRL, not online. No reason not to be polite and considerate online, but you need to remember that it is not real until you meet.......
This definition is pretty much in sync with my feelings on the subject.....
Lilycat
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #42  November 7,2009, 10:38am
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good posts and topic.
good luck and happiness
 
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lionsfan is offline lionsfan Post #43  November 7,2009, 4:56pm
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Lilycat wrote :
I agree with Melman - I don't think that you should worry about it until after you have met them both. You are not dating anyone yet, and you don't even know if you will meet either of them in real life. IMHO it should be understood at that stage that you may be communicating with more than one person, but bringing up the topic might be a little off putting at this stage.
If you have been talking that long, why don't you meet? Might put things into a better perspective for you...... just a suggestion.

Lilycat
lilycat & melman
Thanks for your advice, I can rest a little easier. I now know there is, no obligation on my part to tell, either woman, I am talking with more than one person. I just thought it, would be a nice thing to do. lilycat you also asked why, I don't meet with the one, I have been talking for a month? She lives in a different state. Also she is in the middle, of taking college finals right now. I'm hoping we can make, plans to meet later this month. Before the winter weather starts setting in, we both live in states. That get a lot of bad weather. Again thanks to both of you, for your advice.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #44  November 7,2009, 7:51pm
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Ethics; as in addressing questions about morality, how moral values should be determined and how to achieve moral outcome? I don’t know? I just date women as I like hanging with gentle, warm, soft, sexy, interesting folk of opposite gender. I’ve never thought about it in ethical therm. And I can’t quite see any issues of morality in “dating” different folk. But I can say I often gone out with more than one woman at a time. In suppose one may feel ignored if you’re chatting with the other, and do you split the bill 3 ways – I would not want to pay for more than one other meal too often. But I have.


Dating a range of cute women never seems to create any issues. Of late I’ve pondered what to do when S returns from overseas. I guess I’ll fit her in coming to dinner somewhere. But I’ll make it on an evening when M is expected. J is currently in bad books for standing me up for dinner last weekend. But she isn’t much of an issue as she is lazy and always expects me to invite her out. I might not bother. H is also not a other as she’ll turn up if nothing else one, and don’t care if I’ve a prior commitment. She has asked me to a tap dancing show (we went last year, it was a hoot). I was going to take J to the tap dance extravaganza, but as I mentioned she is i the bad books. But she is also not so much into dance. S is, but won’t be home. I guess I’ll ask M. I quite like M.

I had also noticed a great deal on day crossing of the ferry across to Bass Strait. I was just going to go on my own. My sons’ wanted to join-in. But frankly I’d like a few days away from them. M expressed an interests when I spoke about it. Trouble is you have to buy tickets in advance. I could just give any name and take whoever is avail. But I suppose that is deceptive on the ferry company, and somewhat unethical. S would be in it; if she isn’t travelling already. H might too. But I’d like to go on my own. You always met someone when travelling.


I reckon folk should assume one goes out with others, having sex unless they say otherwise. But in case they are thick I try to bring it up, ie, went to see sush film, gig, last with female friend - what do you call someone you are dating. Sex ... only an issue if I'm going to have sex with them ... But I imagine there are privacy issues ... that's an ethical matter ... can't go around telling all and sundry you've had sex with someone, without that persons consent. I avoid this by citing date of most recent STD test, and through safer sex routine unless I'm in a commited relationship (ie intened to grow old with em) That has only happened twice. I'm not into serial relationships/ micro marriages. I'm either in or out


It not about ethics but I wouldn't go out withsome who wasn't dating ... odds are there is something faulty about them.
Last edited by Fleuellen; November 7,2009 at 8:00pm.
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #45  November 8,2009, 12:05am
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Annnnne wrote :
Can you see with eH how often someone is online? I know you can see if they look at you as long as they are not anonymous, but is there something I'm missing?
Nope you're not missing anything. It's other sites where you can see how often they check and if they are online. You're not missing anything with eH. You are right in that you can only see that they have viewed you if they have chosen not to be anonymous.
 
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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #46  November 8,2009, 7:08pm
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DavidP001 wrote :
This is kind of a multi part question so here we go.

I do date multiple ladies at once, but only if they are all CASUAL dates, as in they havent gotten past dinner and a movie or to the hand holding stages yet... no emotions, no commitments, and definatly no sex yet.

In doing so i make sure that im HONEST to each one of them. I answer every question they have 100% honestly, including if im seeing someone else.

If i make a promise, i dont break it. Which means if someone asks for an exclusive relationship, i stop dating the others.

I dont start getting involved with without asking for it to be exclusive,and i dont have casual sex.

Which means, dating to me is more like friendship, with some flirting.

To me, you can only be wrong if you lie or hurt someone through non-disclosure.

This means if you have an open relationship with someone, your in the clear as far as im concerned, go for it as long as everyone knows whats going on. I wont ever be involved with open relationships, but i dont judge those who do.

I am not fond of cheaters because they have to lie to be a cheater. People can waste their whole lives because they thought their partner was honest... its just wrong to treat someone like that.
Are you saying that to you, dating becomes more than casual, after you have had that first kiss? Most guys I know expect a kiss by the second date. If you expect this as well, it seems like you probably won't have much time to date multiple people to see which woman you are most compatible with. Am I misunderstanding you?
Last edited by parakeetjordan; November 8,2009 at 7:13pm.
 
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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #47  November 8,2009, 7:14pm
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timeless2 wrote :
good posts and topic.
good luck and happiness
Thanks!
 
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Mangosteen is offline Mangosteen Post #48  November 8,2009, 10:16pm
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nightling wrote :
So you want immediate exclusivity? With someone you don't know very well?
Hey nightling (and everyone else who replied to my comment)... maybe I should write one-liners more often and leave people to interpret my vague comments. First off, no offense taken regarding the above quote or anything else. Let me try to explain a little more. I guess it is true that if I am into someone, I do hope for exclusivity (doesn't everyone?).

Typically, this doesn't happen immediately, but fairly soon after meeting, and like I was saying, before "the talk". In most situations, if I am feeling into someone, it is reciprocated, because I am somewhat protective of my heart and I don't usually wear it on my sleeve... -- so if someone isn't non-verbally showing that they are also into me, I don't typically let myself go there.

However, yes, it is a bit of a double standard as well, because I know that if we haven't verbally stated anything, then I should not be making assumptions, even if I think I know what is going on. Basically, I know that I may be setting myself up for a situation that I may not like and I may be giving up my freedom to date others before he has. Having said that, I don't want to know about his other dates, and furthermore, I want to hope that he is not having any, regardless of the veracity of this statement. "Ignorance is bliss"?

As far as my real life, current and non-hypothetical dating goes, I have definitely not had the conversation yet, but I definitely think he is into me, and if I am totally wrong on this, yes, I will be upset. But I don't feel like bringing up the convo. myself, so it will happen whenever it happens.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #49  November 8,2009, 10:20pm
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Mangosteen wrote :
Hey nightling (and everyone else who replied to my comment)... maybe I should write one-liners more often and leave people to interpret my vague comments. First off, no offense taken regarding the above quote or anything else. Let me try to explain a little more. I guess it is true that if I am into someone, I do hope for exclusivity (doesn't everyone?).

Typically, this doesn't happen immediately, but fairly soon after meeting, and like I was saying, before "the talk". In most situations, if I am feeling into someone, it is reciprocated, because I am somewhat protective of my heart and I don't usually wear it on my sleeve... -- so if someone isn't non-verbally showing that they are also into me, I don't typically let myself go there.

However, yes, it is a bit of a double standard as well, because I know that if we haven't verbally stated anything, then I should not be making assumptions, even if I think I know what is going on. Basically, I know that I may be setting myself up for a situation that I may not like and I may be giving up my freedom to date others before he has. Having said that, I don't want to know about his other dates, and furthermore, I want to hope that he is not having any, regardless of the veracity of this statement. "Ignorance is bliss"?

As far as my real life, current and non-hypothetical dating goes, I have definitely not had the conversation yet, but I definitely think he is into me, and if I am totally wrong on this, yes, I will be upset. But I don't feel like bringing up the convo. myself, so it will happen whenever it happens.
You are a darling, Mango. Any guy would be lucky to have you. I hope your guy realizes this.
 
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thefastcat is offline thefastcat Post #50  November 9,2009, 11:09am
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Honestly if I was dating multiple women at the same time (this is too stressful for me I would feel dishonest) and had the option to have protected sex (and *wanted to*) with both and was not deceiving either one with the notion that we were exclusive I think I probably would.

but isn't it easy to decide which you'd rather be with? I guess then the ethics would revolve around whether or not you get physical with the other one. I think the answer should be "no" that's how some women feel victimized by dating (and I can't really blame them).
 
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