Ethical Considerations In Dating Multiple People


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Uniquecorn is offline Uniquecorn Post #121  November 18,2009, 3:18pm
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It always sounds good in theory but the reality is uncomfortable. Feeling warm and special is difficult when someone has a date to try out someone else the next night. Seeing someone who still has a profile up is a sign they are still looking. It is awkard situation. Sex with someone precludes dating others. This how people get disillusioned and dating burn out.
 
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touchmya is offline touchmya Post #122  November 18,2009, 5:56pm
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I would enjoy more than a casual date, do you every get into those sorts of things or is it just lying and pretending to th epublic.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #123  November 19,2009, 12:43pm
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WonderWomsn wrote :
Sawyer76
thank you for your response. Just tolet you know i've been phone buddies with this guy for 9 month and he has made no comittment to meet up. Guess im being naive - this guy is playng me right? He had a couple of good excuses to start with - but this is getting silly. This is why i am positive he is talking to other women or even seeing them. Any advise?
Well, he might not be necessarily playing you but he may have his own agenda as to why he isn't ready to meet you or any female in person right now. Perhaps he isn't happy with his appearance or something? Either way, I don't think you should waste time talking to him any longer unless he is willing to meet. My advice would be to suggest another time to meet and if he gives you another excuse, just politely let him know you have really enjoyed getting to know him over the phone and would love to meet, however if that doesn't happen soon then you're going to need to stop talking because you aren't looking for a phone buddy. You could then suggest some days you are free or simply tell him to think about it and get back to you when he has a free day to meet up. Something tells me though, after this convo, you may never hear from him again. But, it's better you find this out now because it sounds like you've already invested too much time and energy into him.
 
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polly_anna is offline polly_anna Post #124  November 22,2009, 6:00pm
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So if you are seeing each other every weekend, having sex and both saying I love you to each other, but you haven't actually said the word 'exclusive', then it's okay to date other people?
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #125  November 22,2009, 9:10pm
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polly_anna wrote :
So if you are seeing each other every weekend, having sex and both saying I love you to each other, but you haven't actually said the word 'exclusive', then it's okay to date other people?
I don't see any post in this thread that would give anyone that idea.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #126  November 22,2009, 10:54pm
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Each person has his or her own set of correct behaviors, depending on their age, rearing, socio-economic status, religious inclination, financial ability etc etc etc.

We can't and shouldn't attempt to impose our feelings on another's life, nor make assumptions about motivations or inclinations.

We each determine what ' ethical dating' means to us. Our past experiences color our interpretation of when simple dating becomes a relationship. To some it may mean everything after passionate petting, to others it may come after sex or when sex enters the picture.

We live in a busy world and parents no longer pick our life partners. When we look for a relationship online, we don't have the chance to get a direct sense of who the physical person we are communicating with is until we meet, yet we may have shared many intimate facets of our life already.

We expect love and romance and fidelity. But, how do we find these perfect partners without experiencing multiple opportunities to find them?

There are so many opinions on these advice boards, conflicting opinions based, again on each persons life story. I hope the OP can weigh all these conflicts, which are a microcosm of life in the real world, and determine what, if any, opinions she finds helpful.

What may seem unethical to one person is SOP to another, as the conflict here and in other topics on these boards show frequently. Although helpful on occasion, each person needs to weigh in his or her own heart the ethics of the situation they find themselves in.
 
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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #127  November 23,2009, 8:56pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
Each person has his or her own set of correct behaviors, depending on their age, rearing, socio-economic status, religious inclination, financial ability etc etc etc.

We can't and shouldn't attempt to impose our feelings on another's life, nor make assumptions about motivations or inclinations.

We each determine what ' ethical dating' means to us. Our past experiences color our interpretation of when simple dating becomes a relationship. To some it may mean everything after passionate petting, to others it may come after sex or when sex enters the picture.

We live in a busy world and parents no longer pick our life partners. When we look for a relationship online, we don't have the chance to get a direct sense of who the physical person we are communicating with is until we meet, yet we may have shared many intimate facets of our life already.

We expect love and romance and fidelity. But, how do we find these perfect partners without experiencing multiple opportunities to find them?

There are so many opinions on these advice boards, conflicting opinions based, again on each persons life story. I hope the OP can weigh all these conflicts, which are a microcosm of life in the real world, and determine what, if any, opinions she finds helpful.

What may seem unethical to one person is SOP to another, as the conflict here and in other topics on these boards show frequently. Although helpful on occasion, each person needs to weigh in his or her own heart the ethics of the situation they find themselves in.
Very well said, Roxyredhead. Thank you, and everyone who has posted on this thread.
 
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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #128  November 24,2009, 5:44am
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RoxyRedhead wrote :

We expect love and romance and fidelity. But, how do we find these perfect partners without experiencing multiple opportunities to find them?
Very true. After a painful divorce, I am dating this time around with no particular checklist in mind, but with an open mind that love may come to me in a form that I had not anticipated nor imagined. But in order to truly explore the possibilities out there and find the man that I am truly compatible with, I need to date the possibilities and explore my compatibility with each one. The problem is in trying to do this exploration without hurting people, and without sabotaging relationships that may have real merit.

Despite all the advice on this thread, I am still wrestling with this dynamic every day, as my feelings for this guy I call Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True are growing everyday, and his feelings for me seem to be too. However, I find myself in a quandary because a guy that I happen to like very much, a guy I call Mr. Wonderful, has just come back into my life, and I feel that I need to explore whatever it is that exists with him. He is a great guy. To add to this complexity, I have narrowed down the dating pool to four other men who seem to be great guys that I want to explore my compatibility with. At this point, I have stopped answering emails from any other men, and am just trying to narrow down to one from the six that I am dating. I have not gone further than kissing with any of these men. I know that this situation may appear terrible and unethical to some, but I think I made the mistake of not "dating around" and not really exploring the possibilities to find the guy that I am truly compatible with before I decided to get married the first time. I am afraid to make that mistake again. I am in this to find real compatibility, and I'm not playing around.

The problem is that December will be the month in which I get into "real trouble"/real ethical dilemmas with these guys that I am dating, as my relationships with Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True and Mr. Wonderful will have progressed to a point by that time where a real decision needs to be made about the exclusivity of these two relationships or these relationships will stall and probably fail. For example, even though Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True knows that we are not in an exclusive relationship and has not asked me whether I am dating others, I know that he may not be happy when I go out with him on a Friday, and he wants to go out again, for example, on the same weekend, and I have to tell him that I can't because I made plans to go out with Mr. Wonderful.

I guess no advice board is going to be able to guide me through this minefield.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #129  November 24,2009, 6:53am
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Actually, it may help you more than you think.... you have to provide your own answers in the end but hearing all of these divergent points of view about just what the word dating means to different people, even before you get into the more than one scenario, must be helping you to flesh out what it means to you.

One thing though, IMHO, as long as everyone knows that you are not exclusive, if one asks you out for a time when you have plans with another one, just say you have other plans, maybe tell what, don't tell with who unless they ask you directly.

I see telling A you have plans with B as potentially seeming like you are rubbing his face in it.... that's just me though.

You might want to give that part some more thought, to me handling it that way is being tactful.

JMHO

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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #130  November 24,2009, 7:26am
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Lilycat wrote :
Actually, it may help you more than you think.... you have to provide your own answers in the end but hearing all of these divergent points of view about just what the word dating means to different people, even before you get into the more than one scenario, must be helping you to flesh out what it means to you.

One thing though, IMHO, as long as everyone knows that you are not exclusive, if one asks you out for a time when you have plans with another one, just say you have other plans, maybe tell what, don't tell with who unless they ask you directly.

I see telling A you have plans with B as potentially seeming like you are rubbing his face in it.... that's just me though.

You might want to give that part some more thought, to me handling it that way is being tactful.

JMHO

Lilycat
I think your suggestion is a gentler way to approach the subject. Thanks for your advice.

I can also imagine that when I say that I have made other plans that Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True may probe further and ask me if I have made plans with another man. And at that point, there may be an angry or hurt silence on his end, and/or an angry or hurt discussion that may follow. Do you have any suggestions for what to say to broach this discussion in a good way?
Last edited by parakeetjordan; November 24,2009 at 7:38am.
 
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