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questioning questioning is offline
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I am 41 years old. Almost all of my dating life has been with men that I have no emotional or physical attraction to.

I went on a lot of 1st & 2nd dates in my 20s, but never had any emotional or physical attraction to the guys that were asking me out. I just never felt any chemistry.

I was advised by family members that love needed to grow so I dated (and lived with) a guy for 2 years even though there was absolutely no chemistry (emotional or physical). I probably had about 5% enjoyment of sex and the relationship as a whole. Nothing improved along the way. At the end of the relationship, there was no more chemistry than at the start.

For the next 6 years, I went on a lot of 1st and 2nd dates using various online dating sites. There were a several guys that I liked quite a bit along the way, but none of them wanted to go out with me more than once

I finally met a guy that I really liked and we dated for 6 months. Everything in the relationship was soooo amazing and fantastic!

Unfortunately, he met someone at his job and decided he saw a future with her. They are now married. This whole loss/breakup was the most unbearably painful event in my life. I still have nightmares sometimes about it.

Since then, I have had 2 more relationships (about 1 year each) with men that I had no emotional or physical attraction to. Everything was really icky. Sex was horrible. But, my family told me that I would grow to love the guys. I never did.

I haven't been dating much lately. I really don't feel right about pretending to have feelings that are just not there. I don't think I have ever hurt anyone badly, as most of the guys seem to not be looking for anything serious with me. None of them seemed remotely disappointed when the relationships ended and seemed to find replacements within weeks. But, there is always the chance that I could hurt someone.

I thought life was supposed to be about having kids and sharing your life with someone that you care about and that cares about you. I never had kids because I thought it was too weird to have kids with someone that you had no loving feelings toward.

Other than for 6 months, I have never experienced feelings of love. Is that relationship going to be the only highlight of my whole life? It is the only highlight of 20 years of dating.

My life has just not turned out at all like I wanted.

I run long distance (marathons) which helps to distract me from the pain of all of this.

Family lives across the country. Friends are all married now.

Anyone else know anyone who just never was able to find mutual romantic connections? Should I just fill the rest of my life with more relationships where I have no emotional or physical attraction? My family thinks that eventually I will grow to love someone if I just stick it out longer. I find it very depressing to keep putting on a facade every day that I have romantic interest in the relationship.
- November 4th, 2009, 08:12 pm
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activeteacher activeteacher is offline
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You have mail.
- November 5th, 2009, 04:33 pm
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Gumbee Gumbee is offline
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Wow. My heart really goes out to you. I can certainly empathize but I can't even begin to offer any words of wisdom, encouragement or advice.
- November 5th, 2009, 04:48 pm
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trixie1868 trixie1868 is offline
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This is a tricky one. So I'll just say it. Have you ever considered that you might be gay? Can be hard to admit to for some people. I've got a lot of gay friends so wasn't being judgemental. Thought it could be a real possibility.
- November 5th, 2009, 04:59 pm
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Cosmicaze Cosmicaze is offline
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I dont believe that love is instaneous but neither is it those marathons that you are running. Relationships are hard and while they do require you to put in the work for it to grow, there has to be some spark with the person you are with for you to want to put in the effort.

There are so many people in this world so if you do not feel any attraction at all to a person and you feel that you have given this person a chance, move on to another. Eventually, like the person you were in a 6-month relationship with that was so good, you will find a person that likes you and that you too are attracted to.

It's hard work and I'm sure at 41 it's easy to quit on that (it was easy for me to quit at 37) but the benefit of finding that right person with whom you are both emotionally and physically attracted will be worth the effort.
- November 5th, 2009, 05:10 pm
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init4more init4more is offline
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Well, we all know that if we don't feel and connection of some sort within the first couple dates, usually it isn't going to go anywhere. I know for me, physical attraction is a must. I don't worry so much about hair, eye color, as long as they seem to be in a good state of mind, have it together and are heading in a good direction. I can say for me, I have to feel a sence of security with a woman if I am going to be involved with her. If I don't feel that, I can only be friends with her and not much more. I can say I have dated someone I really didn't feel a connection with in a marriage type way. Even though we dated for awhile, it never grew into anything more because there was nothing there to build on. I seem to attract the same type of woman. I can't explain why and no matter how hard I try, it doesn't ever seem to change. I don't know the types of men you seem to attract but if it were me, I would try to only date people you are attracted to and don't bother dating someone your not. We know that usually never changes. If you don't feel it from the start, I doubt you will feel it later. It's just an opinion from someone on the outside looking in and I hope it can be of use to you.
- November 5th, 2009, 05:22 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Do you have objective standards? How do you react when you meet a partner who fits your objective criteria but simply doesn’t have the chemistry?
- November 5th, 2009, 05:43 pm
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eHA_Admin_Lori eHA_Admin_Lori is offline
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eHA_Admin_Lori Welcome to eHA! :-)

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questioning wrote :
Anyone else know anyone who just never was able to find mutual romantic connections? Should I just fill the rest of my life with more relationships where I have no emotional or physical attraction? My family thinks that eventually I will grow to love someone if I just stick it out longer. I find it very depressing to keep putting on a facade every day that I have romantic interest in the relationship.
Hi questioning, and welcome to Advice. I am so glad you found us!

I'm so sorry love has been this way for you.

What was it about your 6 month relationship that excited you, in terms of that person? What specific characteristics did he possess that all the others did not?

If you can identify that, you'll have a bit of a roadmap for what you are looking for in a person.

Best,
-Lori
- November 5th, 2009, 05:47 pm
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First off, you sound so much like my best friend, I just want to hug you.

If you don't like someone, spending more time with them is probably not going to magically change that. Unless you are in a movie, and start out hating each other. I mean, you can grow to love people, in a way. But, growing into a romantic love-of-your-life type thing. . .that has to be very rare. Maybe if you were a 16 year old mail order bride. . .I don't know. I don't think you can or should try to force it. That sounds awfully depressing to me too.

You know you are capable of love, even if it was just that 6 months. You know you don't have to force it. You don't have a problem with that. For whatever reason, you just haven't met the right guy.

I'm only 28, but in a way, I really identify with you. My family and closest friends are, for the most part, 900+ miles away. And I've struggled through a couple long term relationships that were just . . .unfulfilling. I loved them both, in a way, but I never could have described the relationships as being amazing or fantastic. But, I guess, I just started to believe that was as good as things could get, so I tried to make the best of it. Of course, it never worked out. Finally, I know what you mean by amazing and fantastic. It's only been five months for me, but I can't imagine ever going back to what I lived with before. I just couldn't do it.

Wouldn't you rather be alone than put on a facade? And if you are stuck in a depressing relationship, how are you ever going to meet somebody you can really love?

My mom married the real love of her life at age 59. Don't give up yet!
- November 5th, 2009, 07:01 pm
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questioning questioning is offline
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trixie1868-Good question. I have thought about this in the past, but I concluded that I am not gay. Growing up, I always had "crushes" on male rock stars and actors.
I find plenty of men in everyday life that I am attracted to, but none of them have ever shown any interest in me, so I date people who do want me and try to pretend that I am attracted.

I don't think I have unreasonable standards. During my 20s, there was a crowd of about 12 gals and we were all friends. They all got married and I would have gladly dated/married any of their men had one of them been interested in me.

eHA_Admin_Lori I tend to like guys who are very athletic and very masculine but very intellectual. The guy from the 6 month relationship was all of that. He also was very outgoing, which I find extremely attractive. He liked to talk/debate about politics, movie plots, novels and economics.
- November 5th, 2009, 07:37 pm
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