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questioning questioning is offline
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trackstar-Thanks so much for the insights. It is true that by spending my time in relationships where I am not at all interested, it is hampering my opportunity to find a happy relationship. It is good to know that your mom did meet someone at age 59. That is really sweet and it is great to hear about hopeful stories like that.
- November 5th, 2009, 07:41 pm
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Dont get into relationships in the first where there is no spark.

This will keep you options open to meeting more people who could be a spark.

I have never felt great sparks with anyone in my life. I mostly focus on my life and hobbies and only worry about dating when a legitimate opportunity presents itself.

Also, focus on improving yourself and making yourself better - that will translate into more opportunities.

For me, I identified my obesity is holding me back and something I am focused on improving about myself. I joined weightwatchers and am actually meeting lots of people that way, although most of the women in it are married or taken.
- November 5th, 2009, 07:46 pm
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BILLGOLF BILLGOLF is offline
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Have you had any dates you met on eHarmony? If not, you may want to try it.
- November 5th, 2009, 07:54 pm
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questioning wrote :
trixie1868-Good question. I have thought about this in the past, but I concluded that I am not gay. Growing up, I always had "crushes" on male rock stars and actors.
I find plenty of men in everyday life that I am attracted to, but none of them have ever shown any interest in me, so I date people who do want me and try to pretend that I am attracted.

I don't think I have unreasonable standards. During my 20s, there was a crowd of about 12 gals and we were all friends. They all got married and I would have gladly dated/married any of their men had one of them been interested in me.

eHA_Admin_Lori I tend to like guys who are very athletic and very masculine but very intellectual. The guy from the 6 month relationship was all of that. He also was very outgoing, which I find extremely attractive. He liked to talk/debate about politics, movie plots, novels and economics.
I think I am getting the picture now. Its the ole "Why is it the people I like dont like me ? And why is the people who like me I dont like?" problem.

Its human nature for people to be more attracted to what they cant have. Its some type of instinct or natural thing in us to always want just a little bit better than what we can get.

Since I have been obese, I find myself attracted to women I was not attracted to when I was thin. Now I have no chance with these women. But when I was thin, these women were attracted to me like flies but yet I was always hoping for better.

How does one break this pattern? My theory is working hard on yourself and improving key areas about yourself and personality, or finding interests you enjoy where lots of men participate.

You are attracted to athletic, attractive, intelligent men. I only know of two men right now that actually have ALL these attributes, and they are flooded with interested ladies. They have their pick and choose, and will definitely have fun along the way, and in the process breaking some hearts. But even these men have trouble attracting the women they are attracted to. Of course, their standards are higher, but their problem is relative to the rest of us average folks.

If I wasnt morbidly obese, I would actually have all these qualities. I had all these qualities earlier in my adulthood and I easily attracted all kinds of women. But I wasnt all that attracted to them.

Are you sure YOU measure up physically and intellectually with these extraordinary men you are attracted to? Do you stand out from all the ladies that are also interested in these guys? What could you do to improve yourself to a point where you would have a higher chance of meeting these great men?

Be careful, the 6 month relationship you had with this guy could have been reverse - he was the one going through the motions and you were the one madly in love with him. And the higher quality you go for, the more competition you will have, and the harder you will have to work and fight.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:11 pm
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nightling nightling is online now
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For myself, I usually know instantly on meeting someone if there is any potential chemistry there. Time doesn't change this for me. It's there or it's not there, and it's not really relative to any particular character trait they have.

Yes, love is something that can grow without chemistry ...But without chemistry what you have is a platonic friendship. Not a lifelong romantic partner.

So, fwiw, I think your parents are wrong and you are right. You are wasting your time if you don't feel that chemistry with someone and wait for it to somehow appear.

Keep looking for what you need, and I wish you the best.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:16 pm
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People fail to realize that dating is competitive and requires a lot of hard work.

Its not like the movies where you just magically bump into the love of your life and you live happily ever after.

A few of us "get lucky", but most of it is hard work.

The people I know who are successfull finding quality partners are the ones ACTUALLY working hard on themselves and getting out and participating in activities. Its all about increasing your opportunities.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:33 pm
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nightling wrote :
For myself, I usually know instantly on meeting someone if there is any potential chemistry there. Time doesn't change this for me. It's there or it's not there, and it's not really relative to any particular character trait they have.

Yes, love is something that can grow without chemistry ...But without chemistry what you have is a platonic friendship. Not a lifelong romantic partner.

So, fwiw, I think your parents are wrong and you are right. You are wasting your time if you don't feel that chemistry with someone and wait for it to somehow appear.

Keep looking for what you need, and I wish you the best.
Our parents and people of the earlier generations were way more commital and tended to stick in long marriages even if they were not in love.

This is embedded in their values and is why they try to push it on us.

Given this, I do feel I got some of these "strong midwest values" engrained in me - as I often find myself way more loyal and committal than most people my age.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:37 pm
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Wow, Sorry to hear of your problem. It seems as if you are afraid of being mean and you meet great guys that are nice people to whom you have no physical attraction. We all have experienced that to some degree, we meet great people all the time, but that does not mean that they are the type of person that you would want to date.

If you are on Eharmony you may experience even more of this because of the fact that they send you great people who you would be compatible on some level, like a great friend, but might not be attracted to.

You have to be able to tactfully tell this person you do not see them as a romantic partner. It is better for all parties involved. I would be sad if someone was not really atrracted to me physically and was dating me just to be nice.

Your family telling you that a guy "will grow on you" is unfair. Sure you can find amazing qualities in a person, but not be attrated to them. I would have a difficult time dating Ghandi, because I do not find him attractive in a romantic sense, but he was an amazing person and I could have easily formed a great friendship with him and been inspired by him.

When your family says "he will grow on you," I would agree that it can happen, but there has to be something that you find attractive about him, his smell, his clothing style, his hair...something that maybe at first glance you would pass up...but if nothing attracts you about a person then you should not force yourself to be romantic with them.

I think this is a problem of being assertive about your feelings. You are not mean if you are not physically atrracted to a person, it is nature, you either are or aren't. We have all had that friend who raves about the "hotness" of their BF/GF and when we meet them we are like" huh, are you kidding me? This is what makes your motor run?" Chemistry can not be predicted and it is not the same for any two people.

Be honest with yourself, be more assertive with people you meet, there is nothing wrong with telling someone that you think they are nice but you don't want to date them. As for the hotties you do want to date, maybe approach them, introduce yourself and strike up a conversation.
Good luck.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:37 pm
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bwr wrote :
Our parents and people of the earlier generations were way more commital and tended to stick in long marriages even if they were not in love.

This is embedded in their values and is why they try to push it on us.

Given this, I do feel I got some of these "strong midwest values" engrained in me - as I often find myself way more loyal and committal than most people my age.
They're still wrong for this day and age. No one will stay with a loveless marriage these days. And why should they?
- November 5th, 2009, 08:47 pm
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grlnxtdr wrote :
Wow, Sorry to hear of your problem. It seems as if you are afraid of being mean and you meet great guys that are nice people to whom you have no physical attraction. We all have experienced that to some degree, we meet great people all the time, but that does not mean that they are the type of person that you would want to date.

If you are on Eharmony you may experience even more of this because of the fact that they send you great people who you would be compatible on some level, like a great friend, but might not be attracted to.

You have to be able to tactfully tell this person you do not see them as a romantic partner. It is better for all parties involved. I would be sad if someone was not really atrracted to me physically and was dating me just to be nice.

Your family telling you that a guy "will grow on you" is unfair. Sure you can find amazing qualities in a person, but not be attrated to them. I would have a difficult time dating Ghandi, because I do not find him attractive in a romantic sense, but he was an amazing person and I could have easily formed a great friendship with him and been inspired by him.

When your family says "he will grow on you," I would agree that it can happen, but there has to be something that you find attractive about him, his smell, his clothing style, his hair...something that maybe at first glance you would pass up...but if nothing attracts you about a person then you should not force yourself to be romantic with them.

I think this is a problem of being assertive about your feelings. You are not mean if you are not physically atrracted to a person, it is nature, you either are or aren't. We have all had that friend who raves about the "hotness" of their BF/GF and when we meet them we are like" huh, are you kidding me? This is what makes your motor run?" Chemistry can not be predicted and it is not the same for any two people.

Be honest with yourself, be more assertive with people you meet, there is nothing wrong with telling someone that you think they are nice but you don't want to date them. As for the hotties you do want to date, maybe approach them, introduce yourself and strike up a conversation.
Good luck.
This is a great post.

Being free to date the right person is important too. It'd be a shame to appear unavailable when the right one does come along.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:49 pm
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